3FingerBrown
11-17-2006, 05:15 PM
Acknowledging my stutter and its emotional toll has made it possible for me to confront it. This in and of itself helped my fluency immensely.
I know that this was a big win requiring a lot of soul searching, I know that the restoration of hope and faith is no small accomplishment. At the same time, I feel like a recovering alcoholic… I’m only 2 months into this process; I haven’t earned any medals yet. I may have won a battle but there are many more in this war. I still have a loooong road ahead and I will slip, of this there is no doubt.
I will slip, but I will get up.
My newly found fluency seems like it wasn’t worked for or earned, it still evades me in more difficult situations and I still don’t feel like I have any control over it.
I just received my speecheasy on Monday and though it doesn’t prevent me from stuttering it works amazingly well. This has just made people even happier for me. Today I’m facing blocks on every ‘P’, but I’ve been able to pause, take a deep breath and slow down to get them out. At least once to 60 syllables per minute, nothing more than a slur. Within my comfort zones I’m managing quite well.
My mannerisms have changed, people can see how well I am doing. People have been saying that I’m a completely different person and that my turnaround has been nothing short of miraculous. Honestly, I agree… I never imagined any of this to be possible. Happiness was for other people, my disconnect from society reached truly abysmal lows. Still, the higher you climb the higher the potential fall and fear rears its ugly head. All the attention has been tough to deal with and quite discomforting.
I recognize the trappings that have ensnared me in the past.
It seems ridiculous to me, like buying a new car and being too afraid to drive it for fear of crashing.
Once again I find myself trying to bridge the divide between what I know and what I feel.
I am doing this for me, not to impress others. Not to alleviate my fears of what other people think about me. Most of my major accomplishments in life were inspired by a fear of being seen as a failure.
Thank you for noticing my accomplishments. However, though I can prepare myself for the inevitable fall, I can’t prepare you. That I’m more fluent now is in no way indicative of what will happen tomorrow, next week or next year.
History proves time and time again, things are never as good or as bad as they currently seem.
I am doing this for myself. I’ve always placed the concerns, wants and needs of others before mine. I can’t possibly repeat this enough, this is for me. This is for me. This is for me. This is for me. This has to be for me. This can only be for me.
At the same time, I can’t do this alone. I need support for days like this. I recognize that and have sought it out.
Regardless of my fears, the reality is that I have always been the toughest judge on myself, I have always been the hardest on me.
Sorry for the long post,
Ari
I know that this was a big win requiring a lot of soul searching, I know that the restoration of hope and faith is no small accomplishment. At the same time, I feel like a recovering alcoholic… I’m only 2 months into this process; I haven’t earned any medals yet. I may have won a battle but there are many more in this war. I still have a loooong road ahead and I will slip, of this there is no doubt.
I will slip, but I will get up.
My newly found fluency seems like it wasn’t worked for or earned, it still evades me in more difficult situations and I still don’t feel like I have any control over it.
I just received my speecheasy on Monday and though it doesn’t prevent me from stuttering it works amazingly well. This has just made people even happier for me. Today I’m facing blocks on every ‘P’, but I’ve been able to pause, take a deep breath and slow down to get them out. At least once to 60 syllables per minute, nothing more than a slur. Within my comfort zones I’m managing quite well.
My mannerisms have changed, people can see how well I am doing. People have been saying that I’m a completely different person and that my turnaround has been nothing short of miraculous. Honestly, I agree… I never imagined any of this to be possible. Happiness was for other people, my disconnect from society reached truly abysmal lows. Still, the higher you climb the higher the potential fall and fear rears its ugly head. All the attention has been tough to deal with and quite discomforting.
I recognize the trappings that have ensnared me in the past.
It seems ridiculous to me, like buying a new car and being too afraid to drive it for fear of crashing.
Once again I find myself trying to bridge the divide between what I know and what I feel.
I am doing this for me, not to impress others. Not to alleviate my fears of what other people think about me. Most of my major accomplishments in life were inspired by a fear of being seen as a failure.
Thank you for noticing my accomplishments. However, though I can prepare myself for the inevitable fall, I can’t prepare you. That I’m more fluent now is in no way indicative of what will happen tomorrow, next week or next year.
History proves time and time again, things are never as good or as bad as they currently seem.
I am doing this for myself. I’ve always placed the concerns, wants and needs of others before mine. I can’t possibly repeat this enough, this is for me. This is for me. This is for me. This is for me. This has to be for me. This can only be for me.
At the same time, I can’t do this alone. I need support for days like this. I recognize that and have sought it out.
Regardless of my fears, the reality is that I have always been the toughest judge on myself, I have always been the hardest on me.
Sorry for the long post,
Ari