3FingerBrown
11-27-2006, 03:17 PM
I’ve spent much of my life shielding my emotions from others. Even keel was the way to go. Don’t be happy, then people will remember what you look like happy.
Don’t be upset, someone might pry… On that note, don’t ever ask anyone personal questions, what if they reciprocate?
Don’t ever admit to being scared.
Don’t ever admit that my stuttering affects me.
Don’t ever admit that anything ever affects me. Stay cool… even keel.
Can’t show anger, if you let it out can you rein in back in again?
Though, I was always angry about something, the more distant the better,
Anger was my pitch as anxiety radiated off my body.
As much as I’d try to live the life of the emotionally challenged my body and actions often gave me up.
Muscle tightness, spasms, shivering and tremors… Don’t let anyone hug you, they’ll discover that you are shaking like a leaf.
Sitting in a corner trying to be a wall… Sitting in a corner with a distant stare and evil scowl. Past friends in the US military have told me that I often have the mile long stare often associated with combat. Now that’s something to strive for!
Sitting in a corner wrapped up in my own fears and thoughts often a blade of grass away from exploding.
76 days ago I discovered that I couldn’t play this game any longer.
This past holiday weekend I had to deal with big family parties and engagement celebrations for a younger brother.
Most people, friends and family alike are just as surprised as I am at my newly found fluency. Most people didn’t see or hear me stutter once all weekend but people knew something was very different with me before I even had a chance to speak. My posture, mannerisms and visible anxiety have all changed. Friends of my parents who have known and observed me my whole life cl that they have never seen me look so good. Born again was a term I heard.
I just wish I further understood what was happening to me,
This weekend was VERY stressful for me. Obviously I know how well I am doing and its to be expected that people are happy for me but I SOOOOOO hate being the center of attention.
Even if I was the only one to know, there was still back stiffness, heartburn, tremors and sleepless nights of anticipation. I worked through most but there were still stutters too, albeit fewer than I have experienced.
There was still the same old pretending to be calmer and happier than I actually was. Pretending to feel what I thought was expected and what I wanted to convey.
I wish I knew which been more influential straightening out the other? Stutter, attitude, hopes and dreams… I wish I understood this process, maybe then I’d fear the dark a little less and enjoy the light a little more.
Don’t be upset, someone might pry… On that note, don’t ever ask anyone personal questions, what if they reciprocate?
Don’t ever admit to being scared.
Don’t ever admit that my stuttering affects me.
Don’t ever admit that anything ever affects me. Stay cool… even keel.
Can’t show anger, if you let it out can you rein in back in again?
Though, I was always angry about something, the more distant the better,
Anger was my pitch as anxiety radiated off my body.
As much as I’d try to live the life of the emotionally challenged my body and actions often gave me up.
Muscle tightness, spasms, shivering and tremors… Don’t let anyone hug you, they’ll discover that you are shaking like a leaf.
Sitting in a corner trying to be a wall… Sitting in a corner with a distant stare and evil scowl. Past friends in the US military have told me that I often have the mile long stare often associated with combat. Now that’s something to strive for!
Sitting in a corner wrapped up in my own fears and thoughts often a blade of grass away from exploding.
76 days ago I discovered that I couldn’t play this game any longer.
This past holiday weekend I had to deal with big family parties and engagement celebrations for a younger brother.
Most people, friends and family alike are just as surprised as I am at my newly found fluency. Most people didn’t see or hear me stutter once all weekend but people knew something was very different with me before I even had a chance to speak. My posture, mannerisms and visible anxiety have all changed. Friends of my parents who have known and observed me my whole life cl that they have never seen me look so good. Born again was a term I heard.
I just wish I further understood what was happening to me,
This weekend was VERY stressful for me. Obviously I know how well I am doing and its to be expected that people are happy for me but I SOOOOOO hate being the center of attention.
Even if I was the only one to know, there was still back stiffness, heartburn, tremors and sleepless nights of anticipation. I worked through most but there were still stutters too, albeit fewer than I have experienced.
There was still the same old pretending to be calmer and happier than I actually was. Pretending to feel what I thought was expected and what I wanted to convey.
I wish I knew which been more influential straightening out the other? Stutter, attitude, hopes and dreams… I wish I understood this process, maybe then I’d fear the dark a little less and enjoy the light a little more.