hans76
04-16-2007, 07:35 AM
Hi all,
Great site you all have going here and its so nice to have a place to interact with other people who have the same issues!
Well, I guess this is the intro section, so I will give you all an intro to me (LONG)!
I have stuttered most of my life, starting from about age 5 I recall. My sister stutters as well unfortunately. She is 3 years my junior. The place I grew up in didnt really have any real speech pathologists back in the day, so as such, I never got any therapy. Just the usual, slow down, calm down and then speak, and other sayings from my parents. They really did mean well, but unfortunately those suggestions probably just further entrenched the stuttering for me. My stuttering was and does consist mainly of repetition style, with rarely any blocks as such, so you could say I had a mild to moderate stutter.
High school had its good times, but the bad times did outnumber the good ones. I remember the times in class when we has to read out chapters loud in class. Like other forum members, I used to scan ahead and try and figure out where I would have to read so I could rehe! That didnt work when the teacher picked randomly of course. I remember the sweats before I had to speak, the pain when I stuttered on the words in Shakespeare, the few snickers in the classroom, and the sheer terror I felt in class and at home days before a presentation.
These events made me become, understandably, very withdrawn and anti social, even though I loved meeting new people and socializing. I was so ashamed and guilty of my stuttering, I didnt even discuss it much with my parents, or talk about how I really felt about my stutter.
Over the years my stuttering came and went in phases, I cant pin point when I had greater fluency though. Suprisingly through university, I didnt stutter as much and made it through my presentations without much problems (though the anxiety and tension were always there), and I only stuttered a bit around certain people, some close friends, go figure!
I recall one really painful incident when I went to an admin office in university to renew my meal plan, and the officer asked me my name. At that time I had a little problem with my name. So when she asked me what my name was, I said its spelt H-A-N-S. Then she asked me how do you pronounce that. I replied saying different people say it a bit differently! How lame eh? Then she asked how would I introduce myself, so then I just stuttered and said it. I felt mortified after that incident and was depressed for a while after.
Other things I noticed was I tended to stutter a bit more around figures of authority, but I stuttered very little if any around girls! Indeed I dated some very attractive (and a few gorgeous) women over the years and barely stuttered around them!
Well, during uni and shortly after graduating, I battled depression and got involved heavily in drinking and some drugs as an esacpe mechanism. Wrong I know, but at that time I couldnt deal with it. Everyday was a struggle, thinking about how I would talk and get through the day, deal with ordering certain items like coffee, what people would think of me, consumed me. When I graduated I took up crappy jobs when I could have done so much better with my degree.. but I was held back by my stuttering. Drinking and drugs provided a great escape, although just temporarily.
My eating habits became poor as well, and my health suffered for many years.
I always had ambition to make it big, but stuttering really held me back. As a result of my poor jobs, I had to depend on my parents 2-3 years after graduating for helping me out with some expenses and with rent. It felt awful. I was capable of so much more but this damn stuttering had destroyed my spirit. To add to my depression all around me I saw younger guys, and my classmates, doing so much better than me in fantastic jobs. While I was stuck in these crappy jobs trying to make ends meet. Trying to get through each day without stuttering. Trying daily to subsitute words. Trying daily to avoid situations where I had to speak to a group or strangers. I was so sick of it all, sick of not being able to speak fluently. And all these negative emotions were making me into a depressed and bitter person. I even think of not having any kids or adopting them to avoid having my kids go through anything near what I went through.
Finally after about 3 years after graduating I left the country to go to a new place to try and start fresh. I settled down in the new city and decided to start my own business with my brother. Its now been three years and I have yet to seriously do a proper week of prospecting new customers. The reason? My fear of talking on the phone and stuttering, and also my fear of getting rejected outright (no interest in our products). Over the years I have become really fearful of rejection due to my stuttering and past experiences.
My brother has kept the business afloat with his work but now I have finally had a major breakdown. I am sick of all this and sick of stuttering ruling and ruining my life. I want to oercome the fear, the shame, guilt, and not miss out on my life. I am so tired of it all and really I want to start fresh and make a positive change to my life, I want to forget the past hurtful experiences, how I long to just be somewhat normal and worry about normal things people worry about other than how am I going to say the word coffee today?! I want to achieve in this life, I want to make a good living for myself and my wife and possibly future family, I really at times feel I have been robbed in this life, though I am most thankful that all God has given me and the good times I have had as well.
I just turned 30 this year and recently got married last year to a wonderful woman.
Well, thats all for now, and thanks to all those who read my post. It feels like a ton of bricks being lifted from my back.
My heart goes out to all those dealing with their stutter.
Hans
Great site you all have going here and its so nice to have a place to interact with other people who have the same issues!
Well, I guess this is the intro section, so I will give you all an intro to me (LONG)!
I have stuttered most of my life, starting from about age 5 I recall. My sister stutters as well unfortunately. She is 3 years my junior. The place I grew up in didnt really have any real speech pathologists back in the day, so as such, I never got any therapy. Just the usual, slow down, calm down and then speak, and other sayings from my parents. They really did mean well, but unfortunately those suggestions probably just further entrenched the stuttering for me. My stuttering was and does consist mainly of repetition style, with rarely any blocks as such, so you could say I had a mild to moderate stutter.
High school had its good times, but the bad times did outnumber the good ones. I remember the times in class when we has to read out chapters loud in class. Like other forum members, I used to scan ahead and try and figure out where I would have to read so I could rehe! That didnt work when the teacher picked randomly of course. I remember the sweats before I had to speak, the pain when I stuttered on the words in Shakespeare, the few snickers in the classroom, and the sheer terror I felt in class and at home days before a presentation.
These events made me become, understandably, very withdrawn and anti social, even though I loved meeting new people and socializing. I was so ashamed and guilty of my stuttering, I didnt even discuss it much with my parents, or talk about how I really felt about my stutter.
Over the years my stuttering came and went in phases, I cant pin point when I had greater fluency though. Suprisingly through university, I didnt stutter as much and made it through my presentations without much problems (though the anxiety and tension were always there), and I only stuttered a bit around certain people, some close friends, go figure!
I recall one really painful incident when I went to an admin office in university to renew my meal plan, and the officer asked me my name. At that time I had a little problem with my name. So when she asked me what my name was, I said its spelt H-A-N-S. Then she asked me how do you pronounce that. I replied saying different people say it a bit differently! How lame eh? Then she asked how would I introduce myself, so then I just stuttered and said it. I felt mortified after that incident and was depressed for a while after.
Other things I noticed was I tended to stutter a bit more around figures of authority, but I stuttered very little if any around girls! Indeed I dated some very attractive (and a few gorgeous) women over the years and barely stuttered around them!
Well, during uni and shortly after graduating, I battled depression and got involved heavily in drinking and some drugs as an esacpe mechanism. Wrong I know, but at that time I couldnt deal with it. Everyday was a struggle, thinking about how I would talk and get through the day, deal with ordering certain items like coffee, what people would think of me, consumed me. When I graduated I took up crappy jobs when I could have done so much better with my degree.. but I was held back by my stuttering. Drinking and drugs provided a great escape, although just temporarily.
My eating habits became poor as well, and my health suffered for many years.
I always had ambition to make it big, but stuttering really held me back. As a result of my poor jobs, I had to depend on my parents 2-3 years after graduating for helping me out with some expenses and with rent. It felt awful. I was capable of so much more but this damn stuttering had destroyed my spirit. To add to my depression all around me I saw younger guys, and my classmates, doing so much better than me in fantastic jobs. While I was stuck in these crappy jobs trying to make ends meet. Trying to get through each day without stuttering. Trying daily to subsitute words. Trying daily to avoid situations where I had to speak to a group or strangers. I was so sick of it all, sick of not being able to speak fluently. And all these negative emotions were making me into a depressed and bitter person. I even think of not having any kids or adopting them to avoid having my kids go through anything near what I went through.
Finally after about 3 years after graduating I left the country to go to a new place to try and start fresh. I settled down in the new city and decided to start my own business with my brother. Its now been three years and I have yet to seriously do a proper week of prospecting new customers. The reason? My fear of talking on the phone and stuttering, and also my fear of getting rejected outright (no interest in our products). Over the years I have become really fearful of rejection due to my stuttering and past experiences.
My brother has kept the business afloat with his work but now I have finally had a major breakdown. I am sick of all this and sick of stuttering ruling and ruining my life. I want to oercome the fear, the shame, guilt, and not miss out on my life. I am so tired of it all and really I want to start fresh and make a positive change to my life, I want to forget the past hurtful experiences, how I long to just be somewhat normal and worry about normal things people worry about other than how am I going to say the word coffee today?! I want to achieve in this life, I want to make a good living for myself and my wife and possibly future family, I really at times feel I have been robbed in this life, though I am most thankful that all God has given me and the good times I have had as well.
I just turned 30 this year and recently got married last year to a wonderful woman.
Well, thats all for now, and thanks to all those who read my post. It feels like a ton of bricks being lifted from my back.
My heart goes out to all those dealing with their stutter.
Hans