First Time

[floraleffects]

Hello everyone,

mmm .. i dunno wut to say ... am really glad i joined the forum. Am a 5th year medical student, a year away from internship, and am really frustrated my stuttering is gonna ruin my chances. I spent my whole life impressing ppl around me so that they wd overlook my stuttering, and actually by bein g more confident about myself, i was able to gain conscious control over it. I hadn't been a stutterer all my life. I remember being the class's best reader in grade 2.

I was actually being pushed into medicine.. i didn't want it because of all the talkin thing ... my family wasn't at all supportive throughout my life n i ended up isolating myself from everyone 2 focus on wut makes me better ... actually i excelled in academics .. scoring best in my a levels national-wise ... scoring a place in the top 10 in triathlons .. wrote best plays .. blablabla ... there was nothin i cdn't do ...

Anyway ... the problem is ... the REAL problem was a few months after i gotten into college ... was that guy who really liked me ... n i liked him back .. the relationship was silent .. we never talked 2 one another ... till now ... the thing is ... i think my stuttering really hinders me .. it affected my studies ... my relationships at home ... n i keep shunning him and avoiding him cuz i really really think he deserves to be in a relationship with a normal person ... n i dun wanna get hurt by the only person i really loved .. i mean 5 years in a silent relationship where you don't actually see a lot of each other is really confusing .. especially as a stutterer u outcast urself from being emotionally involved .. i dunno

The issue is .. this hursts me and drains me ... and eventually after almost 15 years of stuttering i decided 2 confront myself with my stuttering which i avoided almost throughout my stuttering life...

How r relationships supposed 2 be ? Would your partner accept it? Would ur boss accept it? How would the patients see it? How would i affect my kids if i ever decide to have kids? I hope i would find answers and strengths from within you guys

Sorry for the long post, but i thought i shd find an exit somewhere .. SORRY:rolleyes:

[jak]

If you never take the chance to get to know him you will never know what could happen ,you are putting limits on yourself because of your stutter ,I dont care what others think Iv been maried for many years but I had to take the chance and accept who I was ,ther is no such thing as a "normal person"

[Standingtall]

Welcome to the forum. Looking forward in what you have to share with the rest of us.

Wow, you sure accomplish a lot in your young life, your a good example of what you can do if you put your mind to it.

I had crushes on others, and spent many days, wondering what ifs. I assume you are female, with such an femine user name, this guy made a choice to like you and you made the choice to like him too. So, donèt be shy and start talking to him. You have seen so much in your young career, and there is very little to embarras you.

Good luck and do let us know how it goes.

[floraleffects]

Thanx guys 4 ur comments, lol. I really think the GUY should make the first move, and then we'll see what happens from there. I mean if he doesn't get bold enough to come n tell me then i don't think he'll make it through my stuttering n other issues related to that. I mean seriously guys, how come any guy is hung up on the same girl for 5 years, never talk 2 her or to any girl at all, but like tell all his friends who keep staring at her in very weird ways n STILL not being able 2 tell her??? I really dun get GUYS

[Standingtall]

I am pretty old fashion myself, but if you want something, you have to make the first move. Believe it or not but they are people out there who are more shy than you are and they will let an opportunity pass by. I know I have done it.

[3FingerBrown]

Doc Floral,
I’ve never been in a 5 year silent relationship so I don’t know what to tell you there. I’ve found people to be extremely hesitant in asking about my stuttering but serious girlfriends and I did atleast address it.

Its very impressive that you excelled in the things that you have excelled in and I recognize and shared your need to impress people. I found things that I could do very very very well, created comfort zones around these activities and excelled at them.
I thought that being a state karate champion could alter my identity, I wasn’t that kid who stuttered, I was the state champion. Any alternate identity other then stutterer!
I even once told people at a new school that I was an Indian (Native American) named Running Deer!!! Got away with that for like a year. Anything to get people to see me as something other than a stutterer.
I also projected my shame of myself onto others and without self esteem felt the need to constantly prove myself over and over and over again.
5 years in a silent relationship? WOW!!! Maybe he’s not the ‘1’, maybe if you open up to him he can be but if he hasn’t broached the subject himself yet I don’t think he will.
How can you love someone who you’ve barely spoken to? Is it possible that you may love the idea of being in love? That being in a relationship makes you feel ‘normal’ and that you stay in a relationship for all the wrong reasons? I fell into that trap before.
As PWS we often fall engage in all or nothing thinking. You stutter and are not normal, everybody else is normal… Oh really??? 
There is no normal!!!!
Forget what he deserves, you are a highly accomplished student and athlete and you’re in medical school!!!! And you accomplished all this with stuttering!!!!!!!
You need to find someone who is worthy of you, forget what he deserves, you deserve more!!!
Unless you love yourself you’ll never believe that anybody could love you either.
As for bosses and patients… I’m still scared myself of professional discrimination but there are people who will recognize your talents as long as you let them.
Kids are a tough one also… I wouldn’t wish stuttering on anyone but you can stutter and live a happy and productive life. They also know a lot more about stuttering now and they can do a lot more for kids who stutter now than ever.

Don’t feel a need to apologize for the long post!!! You have a lot to express and we are here to listen and understand.
Deciding to confront your stutter is a big step in the right direction, a big step!!!

Is it too early to start calling you Doc?
Welcome aboard,
Ari

[floraleffects]

WOW to you 3FingerBrown... it's really gr8 knowin u ... i really liked ur answer and it kinda answered lots of questions i had ... yeah i know u think am a weirdo or sth 4 havin this relationship ... but maybe ur right ... fallin in love 4 all the wrong reasons ... wanna know sth else that's even weirderrrrr ...lol.. i think ur gonna laugh ... i never look at him or even sure how he looks like, n he doesn't even know i know he exists ... wut about that?? mmm .. btw .. he doesn't know i stutter .. i make sure no one does ... wut do u think about that? I think it makes me feel 'normal'.... Yeah ur right no one is normal, but we're obvious, we can't hide it, so we're kinda 'less normal'.

Sometimes I think ... y can't i just go out there n get it ... i'll never let anyone get in my way and anyone who'll make fun of me i can make fun of him in a mean way and shut him up, n still get wut i want. I once heard about a boy who grew up in the homeles shelters, was a stutterer. His crude upbringing amongst the homeless made him a rude insensitive person as the other homeless, and he , in no time, got rid of his stutter. He didn't have the luxury of hiding. I really wanna know wut u think about this?

[3FingerBrown]

WOW to you 3FingerBrown... it's really gr8 knowin u ... i really liked ur answer and it kinda answered lots of questions i had ... yeah i know u think am a weirdo or sth 4 havin this relationship ... but maybe ur right ... fallin in love 4 all the wrong reasons ... wanna know sth else that's even weirderrrrr ...lol.. i think ur gonna laugh ... i never look at him or even sure how he looks like, n he doesn't even know i know he exists ... wut about that?? mmm .. btw .. he doesn't know i stutter .. i make sure no one does ... wut do u think about that? I think it makes me feel 'normal'.... Yeah ur right no one is normal, but we're obvious, we can't hide it, so we're kinda 'less normal'.

Sometimes I think ... y can't i just go out there n get it ... i'll never let anyone get in my way and anyone who'll make fun of me i can make fun of him in a mean way and shut him up, n still get wut i want. I once heard about a boy who grew up in the homeles shelters, was a stutterer. His crude upbringing amongst the homeless made him a rude insensitive person as the other homeless, and he , in no time, got rid of his stutter. He didn't have the luxury of hiding. I really wanna know wut u think about this?

Doc,
My stutter though less severe now than ever has always been severe enough that trying to hide it has never been an option for me.
Though I could never hide my stutter I always hid what it was doing to me. Until recently I never let anyone know how much pain I was in, how much I lacked confidence and self esteem, how scared and depressed I was. I never let anybody know the restrictions I put on myself thinking I can’t do anything because I stutter.
Thinking that I need to put up with abusive relationships because as a stutterer I was lucky to get what I could.
Purposely seeking out relationships with people who I felt were not ‘normal’ as I felt less than human.
I agree that you aren’t normal, from what I’ve read thus far I already think you are special. You have to be in order to have accomplished what you already have despite your stutter.

Question for you… Does hiding your stutter make you feel ‘normal’ or does it make those around you think that you are ‘normal’? I would think it disconnects you from those around you as you try to hide so much of who and what you are and infact in the long run makes you feel even worse about yourself than you otherwise would.

And Doc, I don’t think you are crazy or a weirdo or a nutjob or anything of the sort.
I think you are a very special person who has done her best to deal with a frustrating, misunderstood and often humiliating disorder.
If stuttering doesn’t make you neurotic than you were probably crazy to begin with.

As for the fighting back… I sooooo know what you mean. I used to think how dare you make my life harder!!! An eye for an eye??? HA!!! You started and I’m going to take both your eyes, your nose and maybe even an ear!!! You started with me so you get what you deserve!
Fighting back and being angry and vindictive only made me feel even worse about myself. I named my fists Tooth and Fang and used them liberally and effectively but always felt guilty and ashamed.

If someone makes fun of you it says a lot more about them than you. How proud of yourself would you feel if you could stay calm and let the guy know that you person who stutters and that you don’t appreciate being made fun of as you can’t control your stuttering. The person may even realize their mistake, apologize to you, gain respect for your strength and better deal with the next PWS whom he meets.

As for the homeless guy you mentioned, based on what I know about the plight of homeless people in Egypt I’d venture to say that his stutter is the least of his problems and as you suggest he didn’t have the luxury to worry about his speech.
I do think that hiding your stutter will make you more anxious and can make you stutter more. There are people just spontaneously stop stuttering for many different reasons so I wouldn’t dwell on him. People mention people they knew who stuttered when they younger but don’t anymore all the time thinking that they are helping. What makes them experts on stuttering and what are they saying and thinking? He stopped stuttering and you haven’t, are you crazy lazy or stupid???
Ignore these people, they don’t know what they are talking about and stuttering does not make you crazy, lazy or stupid.

Through my own experience though I do know that the less I worry about stuttering, the less I stutter.

Never forget that you are a person deserving of all the things that you can dream of.
There is more to you than stuttering and you should never think of yourself as just a stutterer. You are a PERSON who stutters.
If you never talk about your stuttering with those who love you you’ll always wonder and worry about what they think of you and your stutter and you’ll inevitably assume the worst.
True courage is the ability to be yourself. I know this is easier said than done but stop hiding and be yourself. People will be too busy admiring your courage to pity your stuttering.

Sorry about my loooooong post, Ari

[floraleffects]

Hello Standing tall...

mmm .. so u think he might more shy than I am? lol.. really ? It's kinda depressing 2 know he can watch an opportunity pass by .. well tell u wut .. he already did a year ago ... n just stood there staring as another guy approached me... I dunno ... i got really exhausted in this 5 year silent relationship being that now i know he's totally into me i dunno wut i want 2 do ... my uncles n aunts have no idea i stutter n i c them talk very badly about stuttering that they make sure if someone of the guys in our family is proposing he shd make sure the bride-to-be doesn't stutter n stuff like that ... u tell me ignore them .. well i don't live in a world of my own .. these r the ppl around me n have close contact with ... n the guy i love is still a student n still too far from being self-sufficient ... so i can't assume i'll be happy nor that i'll make him happy with all my issues .. i keep tellin myself y not focus on my career n that's it .. but u know wut .. love is wut changed me from that robot overachiever to that modest, loving, caring human i am today. It's really sad how stuttering can affect everything.

3FingersBrown...

Hi again... ur post wasn't that long u shdn't apologise ... thanx 4 replying ... well when i hide my stuttering i feel more involved in the world around me and the work at hand, i focus and am connected cuz now i feel normal, inability 2 say words (and by the way full neurological development of fluency is attained by a 5 year old, who is unaware of anything wutsoever) isn't wut i am, yeah i stutter, but it's only when i stutter, otherwise am a perfectly normal individual like anyone else. I am totally against revealing weaknesses to other ppl except when u have no other way, this makes me stronger. I deteriorated so bad when my therapist assured me that facing ppl with my stutter wd cure me faster, it didn't work out n until this mooment it's getting worse by the inute every time i face a person who now knows i stutter. Does that make sense 2 u?

well yeah .. am a person .. but am only a person who can feel normal in a perfect world, so for now i shd try my best 2 fit in the norm except 4 the times i can't but stutter

[Host of Chaos]

welcume to theforum floraleffects.i dropby hwere now and then but stopped cois of the amount of folk that woz goin on abot drugs.seems loike thtas stoppd nowe so meybe ill visit m ore. its a good place for good folk to visit.so ihope u hve a god time ere

[floraleffects]

thanx a lot host of chaos,

well yeah i noticed the drug thing, sad. Anyways, lookin 4ward 2 c wut u have 2 share with us.

[bignick]

Hi Floraleffects.

Firstly, welcome to the forum.

Secondly, I agree with standingtall and think that he doesnt know how to ask you out without feeling a fool if you say no. I have been in similar predicaments with girls I have liked and not have the bottle to ask them out and stand back and watch guys hit on them.

Have you decided how you are going to handle the whole situation.

Nice to see you on here.

Nick

[Standingtall]

Hello Standing tall...

mmm .. so u think he might more shy than I am? lol.. really ? It's kinda depressing 2 know he can watch an opportunity pass by .. well tell u wut .. he already did a year ago ... n just stood there staring as another guy approached me... I dunno ... i got really exhausted in this 5 year silent relationship being that now i know he's totally into me i dunno wut i want 2 do ... my uncles n aunts have no idea i stutter n i c them talk very badly about stuttering that they make sure if someone of the guys in our family is proposing he shd make sure the bride-to-be doesn't stutter n stuff like that ... u tell me ignore them .. well i don't live in a world of my own .. these r the ppl around me n have close contact with ... n the guy i love is still a student n still too far from being self-sufficient ... so i can't assume i'll be happy nor that i'll make him happy with all my issues .. i keep tellin myself y not focus on my career n that's it .. but u know wut .. love is wut changed me from that robot overachiever to that modest, loving, caring human i am today. It's really sad how stuttering can affect everything.

Hello Floraleffect,

Sorry for the late delay in responding, there is so much going on in this forum. :D

Without being there to witness first hand, I am only speculating. You must be a very attractive young woman to have other guys interest in you. I have done what this guy is doing, I have let opportunities pass me by and then i end up hitting my head against the wall. Sound like an fairy tale movie here, and in the end, you both live happily ever after. :D

I understand the guy should always make the first move, pretty old fashion thinking, but then again, I am pretty much old fashion in many ways. But now days, women can and do make the first move. I personally wouldn't worry about this self-efficient issue right now, unless you know for sure in your heart, he is the one you plan to spend the rest of your life with. How are you going to know if no one makes the first move. So, I recommend you approach him and see where it goes and if it doesn't go anywhere, then chalk one up for experience. Good luck.

[Marrow]

wanna know sth else that's even weirderrrrr ...lol.. i think ur gonna laugh ... i never look at him or even sure how he looks like, n he doesn't even know i know he exists ... wut about that??

Hey floraleffects welcome to the forum.

Maybe this is the reason why he hasnt approached u.

From a guys point of view, for me i can usually tell if a girl finds me attractive by weather she keeps looking at me. Maybe if u let him catch u looking at him as i guess u like him then maybe he will think 'this hot girl i like cant keep her eyes off me, she must like me, ill go ask her out'. As opposed to thinking 'she doesnt even know i exsist, she will probably say no if i ask her out, ill save myself from looking like a fool and not bother'. Thats just my view anyway.

Also if hes very shy which he seems he is then he might not approach u anyway, in which cause u might need to make the first move. Although thats quite hipocritical coming from me as i always seem to let my stutter get in the way and let the opportunity pass. Dont make the same mistake as me.

Hope it works out with this guy.

Laters

Nick