Anton
05-30-2007, 07:52 PM
Hi everyone!
First of all, let me warn you; this turned out to be a pretty long post, read it only if you have the necessary time and energy. :)
Now, allow me to introduce myself.
I am 19 years old and have stuttered for as long as I can remember, although it has been in periods; sometimes better, sometimes worse.
I stutter with blocks, but in daily life when interacting with people I almost never stutter, and I doubt that people know about it except for those I have told it to. The problem lies in speaking on the phone; that is when I stutter, and it is having a very negative effect on my life since I avoid making phone calls.
A strange thing though - that I have never heard from any other stutterer - is that my stuttering has "spread" to other areas. I think it started with playing the piano; when I was about to play a fast and/or difficult piece my fingers wouldn't move, it was as if I stuttered with my fingers. The exact same feeling. The same thing happens when I'm about to write my signature, I'm sure it has to do with it being a quick movement.
I went to a speech therapist once and she told me exactly how my stuttering worked...not. She told me the general model, that I don't stutter when I'm by myself or talking to animals, but that is not true in my case. Unfortunately I was too young and timid at the time so I didn't tell her that she was wrong. When I told her about playing instruments she looked strangely at me, laughed and said "you need to relax more, to breathe more with your stomach than with your chest". I was relaxed, I breathed with my stomach, but of course not when I was stuttering, because then I was very tense. So she thought that I would be alright and sent me away.
All of my life I have tried to hide the fact that I stuttered, at all costs. Trying everything to avoid phone calls. The last few years I think it has become worse, I don't know why.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I made a phone call and after I had said "hello" I stuttered on the next thing I wanted to say, and then I was completely blocked. When I become blocked on a stutter I become really stressed which makes the whole thing worse so that I can't even make a sound. The whole experience was very unpleasant.
So I decided that it had to end, in some way or another.
I had been working on my stuttering before that, for several years, but now it became all the more serious. I have been approaching it with self-observation and meditation; to see why, when and how it appears, which feelings and thoughts are associated with it and ultimately the cause of it.
It has been a long process, but not too long ago I realized that the key lies, as many others have said, in acceptance. I think that many of you would agree with me if I say that we stutter when we think we will stutter, or when we are afraid we will stutter. The more pressed I am, the more I stutter. So when I'm on the phone I know that I will stutter, because I always do, and so it happens.
But not just acceptance, as in accepting the fact that you are stuttering, that you are a stutterer. I think that it is important to completely eliminate the fear of stuttering. Primarily because it is clearly very unpleasant and makes us avoid situations where we are likely to stutter. Secondarily because according to my investigations it appears to be the whole cause of the stutter, and so eliminating the fear will eliminate the stutter. Makes sense?
So we have to realize that stuttering is nothing to be afraid of. Why are we afraid of it? Because we are ashamed, we feel that somehow it is our fault. Of course, that is ridiculous. Clearly, if we could do something about it we would.
But what will people think of us if we stutter when talking to them? That is a key problem for me I think, I care too much of the opinions of others, a bad self-confidence. If I knew that I was good enough, that there was nothing wrong with me, then I wouldn't care if others thought the opposite. It would be their problem, not mine.
Fear doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse. So why be afraid?
Everytime I'm about to stutter I get this feeling, this tension in my body. This feeling views the stutter as something bad that should be avoided. But avoiding it only makes it worse, so what we must do is to stop seeing it as something bad, something wrong, something undesirable. When we don't care whether we stutter or not we won't think* about it, and then we won't stutter.
Thanks for reading, comments are very welcome!
Regards,
Anton
*This "thinking" is often subconscious.
First of all, let me warn you; this turned out to be a pretty long post, read it only if you have the necessary time and energy. :)
Now, allow me to introduce myself.
I am 19 years old and have stuttered for as long as I can remember, although it has been in periods; sometimes better, sometimes worse.
I stutter with blocks, but in daily life when interacting with people I almost never stutter, and I doubt that people know about it except for those I have told it to. The problem lies in speaking on the phone; that is when I stutter, and it is having a very negative effect on my life since I avoid making phone calls.
A strange thing though - that I have never heard from any other stutterer - is that my stuttering has "spread" to other areas. I think it started with playing the piano; when I was about to play a fast and/or difficult piece my fingers wouldn't move, it was as if I stuttered with my fingers. The exact same feeling. The same thing happens when I'm about to write my signature, I'm sure it has to do with it being a quick movement.
I went to a speech therapist once and she told me exactly how my stuttering worked...not. She told me the general model, that I don't stutter when I'm by myself or talking to animals, but that is not true in my case. Unfortunately I was too young and timid at the time so I didn't tell her that she was wrong. When I told her about playing instruments she looked strangely at me, laughed and said "you need to relax more, to breathe more with your stomach than with your chest". I was relaxed, I breathed with my stomach, but of course not when I was stuttering, because then I was very tense. So she thought that I would be alright and sent me away.
All of my life I have tried to hide the fact that I stuttered, at all costs. Trying everything to avoid phone calls. The last few years I think it has become worse, I don't know why.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I made a phone call and after I had said "hello" I stuttered on the next thing I wanted to say, and then I was completely blocked. When I become blocked on a stutter I become really stressed which makes the whole thing worse so that I can't even make a sound. The whole experience was very unpleasant.
So I decided that it had to end, in some way or another.
I had been working on my stuttering before that, for several years, but now it became all the more serious. I have been approaching it with self-observation and meditation; to see why, when and how it appears, which feelings and thoughts are associated with it and ultimately the cause of it.
It has been a long process, but not too long ago I realized that the key lies, as many others have said, in acceptance. I think that many of you would agree with me if I say that we stutter when we think we will stutter, or when we are afraid we will stutter. The more pressed I am, the more I stutter. So when I'm on the phone I know that I will stutter, because I always do, and so it happens.
But not just acceptance, as in accepting the fact that you are stuttering, that you are a stutterer. I think that it is important to completely eliminate the fear of stuttering. Primarily because it is clearly very unpleasant and makes us avoid situations where we are likely to stutter. Secondarily because according to my investigations it appears to be the whole cause of the stutter, and so eliminating the fear will eliminate the stutter. Makes sense?
So we have to realize that stuttering is nothing to be afraid of. Why are we afraid of it? Because we are ashamed, we feel that somehow it is our fault. Of course, that is ridiculous. Clearly, if we could do something about it we would.
But what will people think of us if we stutter when talking to them? That is a key problem for me I think, I care too much of the opinions of others, a bad self-confidence. If I knew that I was good enough, that there was nothing wrong with me, then I wouldn't care if others thought the opposite. It would be their problem, not mine.
Fear doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse. So why be afraid?
Everytime I'm about to stutter I get this feeling, this tension in my body. This feeling views the stutter as something bad that should be avoided. But avoiding it only makes it worse, so what we must do is to stop seeing it as something bad, something wrong, something undesirable. When we don't care whether we stutter or not we won't think* about it, and then we won't stutter.
Thanks for reading, comments are very welcome!
Regards,
Anton
*This "thinking" is often subconscious.