My stutter is my catylst

[timitao]

where to start, ok yeah i stammer and yeah for a long time i hate to admit but i was ashamed of my stammer ( stutter for you americans ). I'm not gonna go into my life story because i don't believe it's any worse than the next pws how can it be, the self hate, self shame we all deal with every day man i'd love to put the average joe in our shoes 4 a day.

But i wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone you know that feeling when a block comes out of absolutely nowhere and strikes you down, and the person your talking to thinks your crazy or just thick!

I'm not hear to be negative far from it, i tried the self pity, didn't really work for me.

Its taken me a long time to come to the terms of the fact that as much as i tried, i'm not like everybody else i'm different... and i'm cool with that.

I always used to ask god why me? then it struck me i had to stop looking up for answers and start looking deep inside me. Now i've come to the philosophy that we all have a purpose in life, a passion something that makes us feel like we are flying.

For me it's speaking, i dream every day of being on a stage giving an inspiring speech, i see public speakers and say man i want that job.

(see my problem my dream couldn't be harder if i tried!) i used to think i wish my passion was writing like a lot of pws but no it had to be speaking!

Then i heard that moses is believed to be a stutterer, now why would God choose a stutterer of all people to lead the hebrews to the promised land.

I thought about this for a long time why why why?

Then it hit me! if we went through life not ever feeling pain how would we ever appreciate the good times? and it seems the more painful something is to do, the more the reward at the other end.

i believe with every adversity comes a blessing, because i don't believe i would appreciate words so much if i didn't have a stutter.

So i've decided this is it if i want my dream i have to go for it, I know theres gonna be some times where i'll wanna quit but i won't i'm done quitting!

I'm gonna face my fears, my first test is to continue to desensitise myself from stuttering so i plan to spread the word out on the streets of london about stuttering, i'm gonna push myself to my limits... the fear full steam ahead.

I'll let you all know how i get on in the coming weeks

" It's not who you are inside, but what you do that defines you ".

[Standingtall]

Welcome Timitao, good to meet you and hope you give us a chance to get to know you. See you out in the forum.

[Dianne]

Power to you!You sound a very confident person and that isn"t easy for someone who stutters.How old are you?I am in my late forties and I still struggle everyday to accept I stutter and not worry what other people think-I still feel embarrassed when I see the look on their face when I have a block and wish I had the confidence to hit them back with a witty retort-any ideas?

[timitao]

I'm 22 but feel like 40 lol. I wasn't a very confident person up until about a year ago then something happened to me that i'll always be gratefull for see i pretty much gave up on life, i was at an all time low suicidal you could say, i had thought about ending it all many times before but this time was different, i no longer feared dying i knew anything would be better than the situation i was in.

By this stage in my life i had no career the only job i did was gardening because i couldn't face being around anyone, i didn't see the point in living and you to always say each night God why me!

Then one night i was on the internet looking at life stories of people who stuttered ( strangely used to help although put me in tears ) i came across the life story of john harrison, his experiences mirrored mine yet he achieved effortless fluency, to cut the story short i started doing what he said and this year has been one of the most painfull but definately the most rewarding, through a lot of hard work i'm at a stage where i don't fear speaking my mindset is i nearly ended it all, so everything i accomplish now in life is a bonus theres no pressure.

Don't get me wrong i still stutter mildly but i don't have a negative feeling towards it if i block i fly into calm and quickly correct it. What i think it comes down to after a lot of the time after you have learnt ways to deal with it you have to have faith in yourself and even better if your a religous person to have faith in God.

" no one said life was ment to be easy "

[Dianne]

Wow you have definatly been "down "and thank god you have been able to see that life is indeed worth living,I too have been suicidal and have been hospitalized for Anorexia and treated for Obssessive Compulsive Disorder and Depression I am still fighting my demons and love to read of positve stories such as yours-I find them inspiring and they remind me that whatever I am going through will have an ending and there will be a better day on the other side.

[Hans]

Timitao, tell me about John Harrison, please.

[timitao]

thats not the question you should be asking, you could find out yourself by google john harrison story stuttering, but you choose to ask me?

See the thing i've found with a lot of people who are disfluent is somehow they accept there situation, and believe what they read about no cure for disfluency, need to see what nobody else sees man.

have you seen the matrix ( that film has a lot of advice for stutterers and people in general, a clue watch the bit again with the spoon boy, but think of the spoon as the stutter).

another good analogy is what morpheus say to neo about taking the red pill.

stutterers fear being fluent because if they ever did suddenly become cured, they might realise lifes still tough without a stutter.

you have to decide red pill or bue pill??

believe me when i say taking the blue pill is agony is ten times as bad as your worst nightmare, but hey what have you got to lose..... if you have a life where family and friends would question what your doing then you got to ask yourself are they really my friends, if there not happy that i have to change and become more assertive, and do things that seem crazy to aid my recovery ( like talking to strangers )

but if you do take the journey there
s no going bk, on the plus side after staring death in the face you wll feel like i do each morning......

you know that feeling when you lean back on a chair and just go to far and lose balance, and you think your gonna hit the deck then out of nowhere you catch yourself, that split second thats how i feel everyday, its a b e a utiful thang.



















































This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

[Hans]

timitao
Isn't it beautiful? If only I could show everyone what I see.

[timitao]

yea man it's a beautiful thing don't hold back anymore, if you need to cry you cry, tears of joy also tears of sorrow to the other pws who are worse off than you.

Don't look back hans, appreciate every fluent word you speak... and most importantly don't forget where you came from....

" its a funny thing the more i give away, the more i seem to have "

[timitao]

hi diane with regards to your question hitting someone back yes i have loads of wit, but thats what us stutterers have its just i say them regardless of the reaction i get, think about it... "a person can only hurt you if you let them".

overcoming a stutter comes down to saying now is my time, you have to be selfish for once in your life. I found this part really hard as i had a lot of so called "friends" which i thought had my best interest at hearts but when i THOUGHT about it, i was doing all the giving i would jump in traffic for them because thats my personality. What i'm getting at is stutterers mind grows up with a lot of influences of people walking over them eventually after 10, 20 , 30 years this becomes normal to a stutterer, but why?

We have the God given right to speak, and if people want to take the piss let them, em they will be judged accordingly. But now this is a big BUT, when in the process of recovering we are afraid to try and talk to people out of our comfort zones because our mind is trying to protect us from beeing hurt like we have been in the past.

now back to the advice you asked for, i prefer people to anwer questions themselves after all thats how you learn so below is your own words, ive highlighted the words which will give you clues to the answer You said to me and i quote...

"I am in my late forties and I still struggle everyday to accept I stutter and not worry what other people think-I still feel EMBARASSED when I see the look on their face when I have a block and wish I had the CONFIDENCE to hit them back with a witty retort-any ideas?


how can someone hurt you unless you let them?

check all the definitions of the word "friend". sometimes we have to make sacrifices which are painful, but in the end its all worthwhile.

[Hans]

Power to you!You sound a very confident person and that isn"t easy for someone who stutters.How old are you?I am in my late forties and I still struggle everyday to accept I stutter and not worry what other people think-I still feel embarrassed when I see the look on their face when I have a block and wish I had the confidence to hit them back with a witty retort-any ideas?

Dianne, you will never know what others think. Much more important is what you think, first about yourself, then about the "others". Become aware of your emotions, your hidden thoughts. You may not always like what you discover, but they are in control until you take charge. This takes a lot of courage, and I wish you well.

[timitao]

i second that advice, i had many hidden emotions that would come out when i spoke to people in authority, i think i perceived them as better than me, which is completely wrong.

my biggest challenge has been talking to my grandad as he is a very assertive and also i used to be scared of him as a child because he would tell me to slow down in an aggressive way.

Its taken me a while to be confident and fluent talking to him as my old fears have to be broken down, i still call him and purposely talk assertively to get him back for doing it to me as a child.

We have many unconscious feelings which have been built up over time which have to be faced head on.

[Hans]

Timitao, will your grandfather change his attitude toward you while you see him as an opponent who has wronged you in the past? Who knows what made him talk to you in the way he did when you were a boy. You could tell him how it made you feel. How would you like your relationship with him to be? What attitude on your part would best achieve this? Trust in the goodness of people, most of whom are doing the best they know how.:)

[timitao]

Things are now o.k with my grandad and have explained a lot to him, but what i ment to say was that he is a tough talking irishmen who i think intimidates a lot of people with out realising it.

By talking to hime more and more its help over come my issues with him. I would say to anyone who finds talking to an authoritive figure hard explain to them about your dysfluency as it will take the pressure off you and allow you to speak freely.