View Full Version : Stuttering and Relationships
This might turn out to be partally a ranting post. Just bare with me if it turns out that way :P
Relationships. Ugh, can it get any worse for a stutterer?
I am not really sure how to go about making atopic about this so I am just going to wing it.
You know how it is, you see an incredibly cute girl. You know you probably have a chance, and you know you should go over and strike up a conversation.
But you don't because you know you are not gonna be able to do so without sounding like a stuttering idiot.
For me it has gotten to the point where I hardly even try anymore. Sure you can get through a night charming someone with short sentences and lots of alcohol , but I don't want that. I want something more, something that actually means something.
It seems like it is just way too much trouble. I know I am going to have to step up and try and do somthing about it eventually but...
... ok I am getting off track. And rather then just delete what I wrote and not make the topic ( like I have a few times) I am just going to ask those of you who have had a relationship one (or a few apparently) questions:
...
How did you meet? Did you stutter alot with this person? What did she (or he) think about your stuttering?
I'll probably come back to this post tomorrow and add something that I am not thinking about right now, since I am not really sure about how to make a topic regarding this.
timitao
09-30-2007, 01:23 PM
i completely understand where your coming from. For a long time i would go out, and only start talking to girls after a few drinks but felt safe because they didnt know me and i could wing it very well.
But when you want a gf its a whole different ball game! eventually you will have to be you! no matter how confident you came across in that bar that night eventually she will see the real you.
I met my girl in greece on a boys holiday, first time i saw her i knew.
I winged it for the whole holiday because usually when i was on holiday my speech was always good, she noticed a couple of times but didnt take nothing of it.
Anyways cut a long story short, when we got home and i when to see her i was shitting bricks! confidence was gone and was afraid id get exposed.
Our first few dates went ok ( avoided like crazy ) had a few drinks to ease the nerves, then one night i couldnt take it got really drunk and told her outright.
She was really cool, and been so supportive ever since.
I see it as if a girl wont go out with you because you stutter then do you really wanna be with that sort of girl?
If anything it'll be the way you look than your stutter that you get turn down for.
And if you find it hard to chat girls up, then play on your stutter, turn the situation on its head use it to your advantage.
Example; hot girl is at the bar, you want to talk to her but your nervous and afraid you'll stutter - why not write her a note and slip it to her, with a pen say your mute can i buy you a drink??
Then after you got her sitting down and feel more at ease just write on the note,
"im not mute but i have a stutter and was afraid to speak in case wouldn't want to speak to me."
She'll love it, you'll feel more at ease wont stutter and bingo, kids ... marriage .... divorce!
JDRow
09-30-2007, 02:15 PM
How did you meet? Did you stutter alot with this person? What did she (or he) think about your stuttering?
I met my girlfriend at work. She's very, very friendly, so she'd sometimes come chat with me while she was on break (I work in the back so sometimes people break back there). I stuttered a lot around her, but she was cool about it. We ended up exchanging e-mails and then started chatting online a lot, so we got to know each other more that way, even though I was really quiet around her in person, and then we started dating. She moved in with me last month, and it's going really well.
I hadn't had a girlfriend before. I really didn't think I would find someone who wanted to be with me. I'm not the kind of person who would go up to a woman I didn't know at a bar. Even if I didn't stutter, I don't think I'd do that. So I think getting to know somebody and being friends first is probably a lot easier. I knew before we started really going out that she didn't mind that I stuttered, which was good.
Box of Clocks
09-30-2007, 04:06 PM
I haven't been in a relationship and that is something that I am not very happy about. The main reason for this is probably related to my stutter but I also don't really enjoy going out so I don't get to meet anyone very often. Nightclubs, bars and pubs etc just aren't my scene. I work as a window cleaner but most of my female customers are either old or middle aged so I very much doubt I will ever meet a potential girlfriend through work.
Like JDRow said I am also not the kind of person who would just go up to a girl I liked and try and start off a conversastion. Even without the stutter I would find something like that very hard. With the stutter the thought of doing that is even more scary. Timitao's idea about the note was very good but I doubt I would have the guts to actually do that. I also don't drink alcohol so I can't find courage that way.
Over the course of the last few months I have been trying to use the internet as a way of meeting people but at the moment all my attempts have ended in failure.
I met A women on the internet then married her after a week of meeting in person and have been maried for 10 years + 1 kid :D
It was New Years Eve, she was shy, i was shy, we danced and talked and talked and got married 12 month later. That was 35 years ago. It's been like a fairytale. Then i stopped stuttering. Now we're like two strangers, having to get to know each other again. It's been the most unnerving time in both our lives. So, be carefull what you wish for!
Interesting how you say you stopped stuttering as opposed to achieved fluency.
Shows how you think.....very interesting ;)
Anyway, I've just broken things off with my girl of 8 years, so it looks like I'll be back on the singles game sometime........
Thank you for your reply.
That's a lot of time to invest in a relationship to then see it fail. My son, who is about your age, did something similar 2 years ago; it was hard on him, yet he knew the girl was not right for him. Sometimes we hang on to a relationship simply because it has lasted so long; not a good reason at all. He found someone much more suitable (we all agree) soon after. Good luck!
Re. stopping to stutter: I decided to stop stuttering one morning, and i did. As for achieving fluency, that's a different kettle of fish. Fluent speech is an art in itself. I express myself better by writing than with speech; but i love speaking. My wife advised me against saying that i don't stutter anymore, because she still hears me repeating syllables and words at times. I'm totally oblivious of this happening; no fear - no perceived stutter!
I didn't realise how long it would take to believe in myself, to feel completely confident in all situations. It's been four years now and and i still notice changes in my thinking and dreaming.
JDRow
10-02-2007, 10:46 AM
Re. stopping to stutter: I decided to stop stuttering one morning, and i did. As for achieving fluency, that's a different kettle of fish...My wife advised me against saying that i don't stutter anymore, because she still hears me repeating syllables and words at times. I'm totally oblivious of this happening; no fear - no perceived stutter!
I'm not really sure what you mean by this. What does it mean to you that you stopped stuttering if it doesn't mean speaking fluently? Do you mean that you don't notice yourself stuttering any more, so you don't consider it stuttering?
I'm not really sure what you mean by this. What does it mean to you that you stopped stuttering if it doesn't mean speaking fluently? Do you mean that you don't notice yourself stuttering any more, so you don't consider it stuttering?
For all intends and purposes i don't stutter. I still repeat words at times, but this is mostly unnoticed by me; probably due to habit. I don't anticipate or experience stuttering situations, therefore there is no fear or shame. Talking is completely natural and automatic.
Speaking fluently is what story-tellers, radio anouncers etc. do. I haven't attained that level of competency yet. It's just a matter of wanting to and then doing the required work.
divaluv
10-04-2007, 02:31 AM
Hi, I have a very hard time approaching guys, I'll be at school and be sitting at a table in the library or in the student union and a very cute guy would sit at my table and I avoid talking to him, I just act like I'm really into my book, but really its to avoid conversation. I don't know how to just get past that first impression.
kghayesh
10-05-2007, 02:47 AM
I think and I know that stuttering is almost a major stepback concerning relationships. I heard a friend of me once saying that if i didn't stutter, I would be a perfect guy..... a meaningful statement in such a short message :(
Thanks for all the replys everyone, nice to hear what you all have done about this.
I think a large portion of my problem is just that I avoid situations where I know ill stutter alot, and these include getting to know someone I am attracted to.
Oh well, eventually ill probably get over it.
Thanks for all the replys everyone, nice to hear what you all have done about this.
I think a large portion of my problem is just that I avoid situations where I know ill stutter alot, and these include getting to know someone I am attracted to.
Oh well, eventually ill probably get over it.
Jis, nothing changes unless i cause it to. The only times my life changed in a meaningfull way was when i felt so unhappy that i overcame the resistance to change.
chrish15
10-09-2007, 12:46 AM
Well for me, I too am not into the bar scene ect., never had a girlfriend through high school, through my first 2 years of college. Then one day at my university I was playing basketball and met a great girl. She actually came up to me, that was almost 2 years ago, we exchanged instant messenger names and chatted for a month or two.
Then one day she wanted to meet up and get lunch.
I was nervous, I told her sure, and told her I stuttered before we even went to lunch. We got to lunch and I had the most difficult time saying anything. She listened to me, continued to ask me questions. I was sure she thought I was crazy. We both share a lot of the same interests, enjoy doing the same things which has been a blessing and made the relationship great.
Today we are now engaged, and plan on getting married next June. She has made be a better person overall, including my speech. Being happy makes my speech better and that has helped a lot. I have my times of difficulty, but she knows and understands.
Good Ol
If it wasnt for I wouldn't know anybody at all haha.
Box of Clocks
10-11-2007, 03:26 PM
Good Ol
If it wasnt for I wouldn't know anybody at all haha.
I would like to start using as I signed up for it recently but I have no clue how to actually use it. I am not even sure I know what it is for. I have tried to look on the main site for help but it doesn't seem to offer very much in the way of assistance.
is an instant chat program. usually you need a hotmail email address and you use that to log into .
In order to talk to other people using it they also need to have the program.
It might be hard to just start using if you dont know anybody else that uses it also. For me everyone I know has been using it since about grade 9 and onwards (its rare for me to meet someone my age that does use )
Other programs that are used for the same purpose is and Yahoo Instant . Whichever one you use is dependant on what the most popular is between your freinds and area.
nik037
10-12-2007, 05:34 AM
I know its taboo still, and people think its dorky, but I have actually met MOST of the guys Ive dated online. Its soooo much easier to get to know someone without worrying about stuttering at first. After I get to them, I tell them I stutter so when we finally meet the pressure is gone because, they know...so I don't feel embarrassed and I usually am very fluent.
I've met wonderful, normal people this way. The key is to just chat or say hi...not really to dry and date. Then if you start liking someone...then take it there.
I am now engaged and wonderfully, blissfully, enormusely, happy.
Just a tip...if its hard to talk, meet people without really talking...
lglovesjp
10-14-2007, 11:08 PM
I met my boyfriend when my stutter wasn't a problem at all it was pretty non existent at the time, but we did meet over the internet through a friend so I got time to know them on this and feel more comfortable with them before I met them so that probably helped alot. After reading your post I thought about what it would be like now trying to strike up a conversation with someone I didn't know and came to the conclusion that it would definately be difficult incase I totally messed it up but I know this sounds cheesy and all that but if you did stutter and she found it bad then she wouldn't be worth it. If that fails you could always try finding someone on the net (most of them aren't lunatics) Good Luck!:)
It's funny but I also met my boyfriend on the internet. Maybe that is a good way to meet people after all.
We are now more than two years in a relationship and it's interesting that I never stutter when I talk with him. That's because I feel totally relaxed and comfortable with my self and talk spontaneously and don't think much about what I will say. He didn't even know about my stuttering for some time and when he saw me in some situations when I stuttered a bit he didn't have any problem with that and was very understanding. He thinks that I could talk normally always just as I talk with him if I learn to percept differently these situations. So you just have to find the right person I guess
Becca
10-19-2007, 10:38 PM
I stutter when i meet people but anyone i've been with i've been friends with first or i've met through friends or a hobby, so most people know of my stutter before anything happens! i dont let it hold me back though, flirting is one of my favourite hobbies!!!
nik037
10-20-2007, 06:21 AM
It's funny but I also met my boyfriend on the internet. Maybe that is a good way to meet people after all.
We are now more than two years in a relationship and it's interesting that I never stutter when I talk with him. That's because I feel totally relaxed and comfortable with my self and talk spontaneously and don't think much about what I will say. He didn't even know about my stuttering for some time and when he saw me in some situations when I stuttered a bit he didn't have any problem with that and was very understanding. He thinks that I could talk normally always just as I talk with him if I learn to percept differently these situations. So you just have to find the right person I guess
I stutter THE WORST around my mom, my brother, and my fiance. The people I am most comfortable around. I think its because I know in my mind I do not have to hide from them, its just awful. I wish that I would never stutter with them, because they are the most important people to me, but its worse with them. :(
I stutter THE WORST around my mom, my brother, and my fiance. The people I am most comfortable around. I think its because I know in my mind I do not have to hide from them, its just awful. I wish that I would never stutter with them, because they are the most important people to me, but its worse with them. :(
Nick, people close to you are the most important to you. That's the reason you stutter most with them. Why are they so important? What if they weren't, etc.?
Explore your feelings, attitudes and behavior when with them. What makes you so uncomfortable when near a family member? Be a detective, take note of the slightest, even the most impropable clue. You already have the answers to these questions, but do you want to ask them?
I stutter THE WORST around my mom, my brother, and my fiance. The people I am most comfortable around. I think its because I know in my mind I do not have to hide from them, its just awful. I wish that I would never stutter with them, because they are the most important people to me, but its worse with them. :(
yeah I dont try to hide my stutter at all around my family and its terrible how bad it is when I don't try to hide it.
JDRow
10-20-2007, 09:36 PM
I usually stutter less when I'm not trying to hide it, and more when I am. I stutter less with my girlfriend and her family, and I know they don't care if I stutter. With my family it's sort of 50/50. I stutter the most with my parents, who hate that I stutter. I think I try so hard not to stutter with them that I get really tense and stutter more. And some of my siblings are like that. But some of my siblings don't care, and I stutter less with them.
I wonder why some people stutter more when they aren't trying to hide their stutter and other people stutter less?
JD, you'r an intelligent man who can readily make sense of the symptoms and signposts evident within the posts sent to this forum, including within those you write. Most lead to logical conclusions. Some of these (conclusions) don't conform with accepted convention and may be unpalatable. To hell with that! If it smells, feels and tastes like an apple, it probably is an apple.
I hated the world I lived in because it didn't make sense to me anymore. I took off my blinkers and didn't flinch at what i saw. OK, maybe i did, a little:D but some truths just can't be ignored. JD, your view of the world is uniquely yours. One day you too will want to make sense of it and step out of the shadows. I hope to be there when you do.:)
Damn it, i did it again! That sure sounded like criticism of who you are, JD. All advice-giving does. Sorry, i ment well.
Hans
JDRow
10-21-2007, 12:10 AM
I just don't feel qualified to make generalizations about all stutterers from my own experience. I don't consider that a fault. I honestly don't know why some people stutter less when they try to hide it, and some stutter more. My instinct would be that it mainly has to do with severity, and that people who are less severe and can reasonably hide their stuttering will stutter less when they try to hide it and more when they don't, whereas people who stutter more severely and aren't good at hiding it will stutter more when they try to hide it and less when they don't, but I certainly don't have any basis for saying that's the truth of how things are.
I guess I don't see anything wrong with not knowing the answers to things. I don't need to have a theory about everything, especially when I don't have any basis for making one.
Jeff99
11-03-2007, 10:55 AM
i remember a number i girls i should have asked out should have let them in etc.the last few years i've been living in fear of the unknown i wouldn't take chances i wouldn't let people in i would be very closed off i would always think of the after effect of dating someone like the beautiful girl at work i'm currently seeing i had wanted to ask her out for about a year before i did we got on great i got all the signs the whole thing at work when everyone was at lunch she would want to talk to only me the msgs after work the lot but i would always think what if i took the chance an it got messed up what then we work together, i don't go out alot because of the smae reason i guess i would rather sit in my room shut off from the world thinking what if do this or that.
then i was at my mothers she asked when i would bring another girl round to met them it had been about a year since my last partner i was feeling quite open so i told her everything she just turned an said what is the worse that can happen? why am i killing off everything good before it even happens, do you want to be alone? if not do something about it no one wants anyone who is to scared to stand up an say i want more i better than this.
the next day i just asked her out at lunch an the rest is history i guess. been a few months now going well.
the point is courage is the greatest tool of all being open an honest is most important i believe everyone has someone out there for them its just we need to stand up an say hey i will honestly start looking for that person. i remember my teens i would get turned down maybe 50 times before one would say yes.my brother who doesn't stutter told me this it only takes 1 girl to say yes so even tho you may get turned down 1000 times look at it like well that one less i have to worry about. he is now marriage with a few kids.
i think it's harder being a male we need to chase an ask. take a chance what is the worst that can happen
? they say no big deal they laugh big deal.
hafidmetal
11-04-2007, 04:35 PM
well..this is the hardest thing for me..i have alwyz say finding a soulemate and a good job is the end of this awfull thing -stuttering-..i have never been with a gurl befor..every time i saw a girl and like her then we exchange regards then she waits for me to step in and talk to her a bit but this never happen,panic..rage and fear alwyze preventing me...thanks to the net ..its so much easier to get to know a female first on line then tell her about ur stuttering later on..thats a good thing..but you alwyze expect the unexpected and this makes me nervous but i do belive
If a woman knows your heart. That is all she will need to love you. If your heart is true. then you will find what you are looking for. And if ANY woman could walk away from a man because of something like a stutter then she is no kind of woman you want in your life anyway!
Standingtall
11-05-2007, 02:59 PM
my brother who doesn't stutter told me this it only takes 1 girl to say yes so even tho you may get turned down 1000 times look at it like well that one less i have to worry about. he is now marriage with a few kids.
I agree, it all it takes is just one yes and your whole world changes. Now is that the worth the risk.
Danny
11-29-2007, 12:13 AM
I hear you on the Internet dating thing, Box of Clocks. I have 2 friends who married people they met on those dating sites. I've had NO luck. And online, you don't stutter ;)
My opinion is you need to spend A LOT of time online to meet someone you're interested in (and vice versa). Me, I just don't have that kind of time.
As for drinking alcohol, for me, that makes me stutter even more so I stay away from it in social situations.
I'm also very shy about striking up a conversation with a girl at a bar especially when the music is blaring so loudly. Hm... then again, that forces you to speak slowly... hm...
Just concentrate on your GOOD qualities and you'll feel confident. Even if you don't, fake it because no one will notice. You'd be surprised at how many confident people really fake it.
Perad
11-29-2007, 09:16 AM
I hear you on the Internet dating thing, Box of Clocks. I have 2 friends who married people they met on those dating sites. I've had NO luck. And online, you don't stutter ;)
I think that if you have been speaking to someone for a few weeks online then it would be a good opportunity to tell them that you have a stutter. If they are worth pursuing then they won't care and the majority won't. I think you will also find that you will have some freedom in speaking to them down the line if you talk about your stutter and how it affects you and the people around you. They will know about it and have some level of understanding.
As for dating as a whole. I find walking up to strange women difficult. I would much prefer meeting friends of friends. That way I know that they share and interest and if they have come along then the chances are that know about my stutter. This saves me time on explaining.
For a partner, really the ball is in their side of the field. Finding someone who accepts you for who you are can sometimes be difficult. However many people have this, think about large people, disabled people, people with a quirk or some sort of abnormality.
These all throw up the same challenges and feelings that a stutterer feels.
Jeff99
12-21-2007, 01:05 PM
i remember my my only real Girlfriend i met at my mates house warming party i don't know what really happened normally i don't go up to people an start talking to them but for some reason i did with her,i didn't normally talk about my speech but i did with her we spoke til like 5 in the morning i didn't ask for her number she asked for mine rather strange.
but most of the time when i would speak to girls i would just say a few words not really talk much just listen (which they love ) i would never open up about anything really didn't have much luck this way.
now days i'm honest from the start i'm open friendly try to be nice (my new life motto) an just ask a few question then feed off each other if you can't then i don't see much point going on with it most time look out for the shy ones tho.
i've still only really had one real girlfriend but i've been dating abit lately which is cool. i think if your out looking something comes along in time. in the past i would think i like her but if i do then i want to best for her so she deserve better than me etc someone "normal" now i now no one is "normal" an i have alot to offer.
emily445455
02-05-2008, 02:35 AM
When I met my now husband I was still a very-much-so covert stutterer. So, he never knew until I told him. He didn't care, and as I got more comfortable with him I started to stutter more about him. He just waits patiently until I say what I want, sometimes he finishes my sentences or words...but is getting better because I ask him not to do this.
:)
Roley
02-05-2008, 05:18 PM
This a popular thread -- surprise, surprise!
I've been married for 26 years to a wonderful woman who has always judged me for the person I am, not for being a stutterer. Interestingly though, her father stuttered, so she had a built-in tolerance for my speech. Even though she was almost 40 at the time, her mother tried to convince her not to marry me because I stutter. Maybe her mother had been bothered by her husband's stuttering for 40 years! (He was dead before then, but it would have been interesting to have gotten his input on the matter.)
Over the years before marriage, like most of my fellow stutterers, I had my frustrations about relationships. I traveled a lot by plane from Washington, DC to NYC for several years. Once I sat next to a very interesting woman on the plane; we ended out taking a cab together into Manhattan. When we parted company, she gave me her business card, and asked me to call her. I never did. She knew I stuttered, but that didn't seem to bother her. But I was too afraid to call her and never saw her again.
Another time, when a used to ride the bus from Virginia to Washington, a young lady and I rode the same bus into and out of the city. We would speak to each other, but that was about it. I was too conscious of my stuttering to strike up a conversation. But then one evening, even though the bus was almost empty, she sat down beside me. I panicked and couldn't say a word to her. Why in the world didn't I just write a simple note telling her that I stuttered, but that I would like to meet her if she were still interested in meeting me? (Shortly after that the Washington Metro opened, and I never saw her again.)
One more story, and I promise to shut up. One day, I recognized a flight attendant, who was regularly on one of my flights, as a person who lived in the apartment building next to me. I got up the nerve to ask her one day if she did lived in that building. I would have asked her out, but guess what got in my way?!
So ... here I am 25 years later still wondering how my life would have been if I had had the nerve to get to know these women.
I'm not sure if this helps or makes you feel worse, but I guess you can see that, in spite of your frustrations, maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And that it's much, much more important to find someone who loves you regardless of your stutter.
Roley
Standingtall
02-06-2008, 03:14 PM
Interesting thread. I have learned over the years not to underestimate a person on what they know or experienced. I was a pretty much a closet stutter, who avoided the spot light or being noticed. This one young woman had a crush on me in jr high, but i did not do anything because out of fear. i went to a different schoold for a couple of years, but we met up again in high school and she started to eye me again. i had changed my hair style and clothes, yet she must have remember me or something. We are talking today and she did not know that i stutter, but to my surprise, she has two uncles and one of her sons, stutter. Before I started to date my wife, one of her best friends stutters very badly and still does. It all takes is one word and that is a yes or no, even a maybe. With those odds, it would be the worth the risk.
Nicholas
02-06-2008, 05:33 PM
I had a relationship that lasted a year, and when I told her I stuttered she wasn't as worried about it as I was. I love that about people.
Clairy
02-07-2008, 08:31 PM
i first started talking to my boyfriend properly after about a month of being in the relationship with him, it caused so many problems because i would avoid saying words i knew i couldnt say in case he got kinda scared, if that makes sense.
even though he says some horrible things whenever we have an argument or whatever, he still promises to make me a stronger person and still tries his best to get my confidence up.
i've now been with him for 2 years in april and he says he doesnt care about it anymore, which means a lot because my stammer is terrible right now with a lot of things going on in my life.
the only way a relationship can't work is if the person with the stammer tries to hide it or if the person without the stammer has a problem with it. kinda stating the obvious but still! :D
Derek181
02-12-2008, 12:27 AM
haha you guys are funny! i know its hard to date and stuff but i dont think that writing a note would work. and the internet is so fake, like me personally i would rather meet someone just being myself in every day life. You know stutters can still get dates even though they stutter. i have met some people that carry their stutter wtih such confidence and dont let it bother them and they had smokin girlfriends. just start small by maybe saying hi to a girl that is walking by you and work your way up.
Derek181
02-19-2008, 12:28 AM
hey J1S, where abouts in Alberta are you from?
Standingtall
02-19-2008, 05:30 PM
hey J1S, where abouts in Alberta are you from?
As I recall, J1s is f rom Calgary, but going to school in Lethbridge.
Derek181
02-24-2008, 02:00 AM
anyone got JIS email
even though he says some horrible things whenever we have an argument or whatever, he still promises to make me a stronger person and still tries his best to get my confidence up.
:D
What does he say? My girlfriend works with children who are abused and I know a little about it. if he says derogatory things or doesnt allow u to say your bit then u know what u must do. i dont want to alarm u but this isnt even about the stammer, its about a healthy relationship. :D
Nate
andyr78
02-27-2008, 11:57 PM
I met my girlfriend now wife in high school. Have been together ever since. We have 3 wonderful children, and have been married for 9 years. I was very lucky, I never really had to do the "dating" scene throughout high school.
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