Girls vs Boys - Question

[climberszen]

Okay, a post by Eve to Tine's post got me thinking... and its a question I really have to ask. In no way do I mean to sound ist or anything like that.... so here it goes:

It is obvious that stutters typically have a very difficult time meeting members of the opposite . I have never really had the privelage to talk with people that I can share some of my most personal issues with as they cannot understand... until now..... Society typically dictates that boys/men approach girls/women for "dating" type issues. As a guy I have always found that so intimidating that I have never really dated. I suspect that many guys have a similar experience. But what about you women? I would expect it is "easier" for you, as guys are approaching you... but then again they ask you a question.. meaning you must respond... which equals pressure which equals stutter... just wondering.... and hoping to gain insight

[climberszen]

My bad... its Eva not Eve :D

[eva]

Okay first of all it is not easier. Thats true, men usually approach women, so i dont have to do that. But i get very nervous every time somebody approaches me. I firmly believe that men dont want to date a girl that stutters. Never. So i am usually kind to them and save their time and effort by rejecting them almost immediately. If i really like someone i dont do that, but i dont talk much around him and he probably thinks im very very shy. And it never goes anywhere, at some point i back up.
Men have it so much easier i think. Okay, you have to approach girls and that is stressful, but i bet most of the girls out there think that a guy who stutters is so cute. I think so too. But i will never in my life hear a guy saying that my stuttering is cute. In that sense i see it as a problem. Men are either friends or hmm fun for me, dating them seems not to be a realistic option. I see too much dangers there.

[Tine]

hmmm dating hasn't really been a problem for me. Probably because the guys which I have dated I had met and got to know at school or at work so it has always been comfortable (quiet) surroundings. Plus if I'm comfortable, relaxed around someone such as I would be with a bf I don't stutter at all. However the last guy I dated did catch on I stuttered (in a noisy restaurant) and he kind of made fun of it. I don't think he meant it in a rude way, I just think he was so shocked because he had no idea that I had a stuttering problem. But I think that his reaction has added to my recent worries.

With guys who come up to me in clubs/pubs they usually tend to do most of the talking. I ask them questions which need long answers..hehe...so I speak minimum. In this way I hide the fact that I stutter. And if I do like them I would agree to meet them another time in quieter surroundings such as a cafe or a quiet pub.

I think maybe boys may have it worse than girls...because I never really had to approach a boy before and I really don't think I would have been able to do that in a club or a pub. But I don't think stuttering in a guy is a put off at all!!! It's cute. :)

Also Eva: Don't let your stuttering get in the way of something as important as making personal relationships. If anyone is going to be understanding and supportive to your stuttering it will be someone who cares for you like a boyfriend. If they truly care they will understand.

[climberszen]

Hmmm... Both of you have the same take on guys stuttering.... which is totally opposite than my experience in real life... that is girls/women don't find it cute.... that being said.. I am not blaming them and I fully suspect they don't see the stuttering as stuttering... rather that I must be so nervous around women that I must be a total loser.... first imptressions are a b$#@& and is suspect everybody on this forum would be willing to go with stutters do not make the best 1st impressions.... I kinda take the "science" view... women are bombarded by guys and "cheap pick up lines" and any negative issues is amplifide for a rapid screening "tool".

Sadly, I meet women... but I think my problem is that I "segment" my life so different areas do not "contaminate" other areas... this was my survival mechanism developed in middle school... so I end up not being able to say cross areas well even today... so I could never say ask one of my biking buddies out... cause they are "friends"... kinda silly I guess... and ironic...

[JDRow]

Men have it so much easier i think. Okay, you have to approach girls and that is stressful, but i bet most of the girls out there think that a guy who stutters is so cute. I think so too. But i will never in my life hear a guy saying that my stuttering is cute.

I'm a guy, and I think you might be right. I'm not sure it's that girls think stuttering is cute--I don't think I've ever experienced that--but I think they might be more understanding about it. I wouldn't have just started talking to a girl I didn't know before, and I'm with somebody now so I really wouldn't now, but in general non-flirting situation I think women are a lot easier to talk to than men. I honestly can't remember a single time when a woman has been outright mean to me about stuttering. Obviously they've been uncomfortable or impatient or who've laughed a little, but I've never had a woman imitate me or say something cruel. I tend to be less nervous talking to women I don't know than men I don't know, just because I feel like there's much less chance the woman is going to react in a really awful way. I wasn't sure if it was just that women are like that with men, but would be just as mean to a female stutterer as men can be to men who stutter. I don't know.

[needausername]

Okay, you have to approach girls and that is stressful, but i bet most of the girls out there think that a guy who stutters is so cute. I think so too. But i will never in my life hear a guy saying that my stuttering is cute. In that sense i see it as a problem. Men are either friends or hmm fun for me, dating them seems not to be a realistic option. I see too much dangers there. - Eva

I have not had the experience that girls think my stuttering is cute. I have had girls who had sympathy for me. And I had a few who made fun of me.

[eva]

I tend to be less nervous talking to women I don't know than men I don't know, just because I feel like there's much less chance the woman is going to react in a really awful way.
I feel also less nervous talking to women i don't know than men i dont know. i dont think i've ever heard another woman making fun of my stuttering. unfortunately i can't say the same about men.
tine, finding an understanding boyfriend would probably help. i had one who i trusted and who seemed to understand. but...every time having an argument about something, or him being in a bad mood in general, my stutter suddenly was something very amusing/despicable/pathetic etc depending on the situation. when a person you think is supposed to care about you makes fun of you, that is...really nice, like a punch in the stomach. soo relationships... im not ready for that again, unless the guy stutters too. too bad i've only met one man that stutters, and he wasnt my type heh.
yes i'd say women are more understanding in general, of course there are exceptions in both ways.

[climberszen]

Eva... it is sad you had such an experience... but you are not alone... I always found it somewhat ironic that I was in a "long" term relationship (4 years) with a woman that was embarrassed of my stuttering. I look back at it now and laugh.... not sure when your's occurred, but I can offer some advice... don't hold the anger... learn from it, don't be negative... and continue to live...

[DKoz]

In pretty much with the consenus here. I stutter less around females than I do males. One of the reasons might be because there are more females in my family then males. But sometimes I stutter around people who know that I stutter (parents for example) so I would let my guard down and it will not bother me as much as if I was speaking to a stranger in a bar.

-Dan

[Tine]

It doesnt make a difference to me whether I'm talking to a male or female. If I'm stuttering, I'm stuttering.

[Jonathanw]

well its not like you have to go up to a girl and ask her out :P
I usually stutter less on the phone, and this might sound silly, but if its a person i never met and i know that person dosent know i stutter, i also stutter less hehe..
So i usually approach on a bar or a place like that, chit chat alittle get the number, set the date up 2 days after on the phone and pow.

Just do whatever works for you, try to work around your stutter. If your stuttering is really bad when talking to new people in stressfull situatin, chat girls up on the internet and take it from there.

[jbrown13]

eva and tine in your country's females may think its cute for guys who stutter but here in the u.s. its very rare you will find a female think its cute but already posted very sympathic. (been there done that) here in the u.s. first impressions are everything:cool:

[Marrow]

About girls thinking stuttering is cute. I dont think ive really experienced that, although if ive been flirting with a girl im crap at working out what shes thinking.

The only time a girl ever said it was cute to my face she was obviously lying. I was standing outside a pub at closing time and this girl was asking me some questions and i was stuttering when replying, she then goes 'thats cute'. I continued stuttering some more and she goes 'ok u can stop that now', i was a bit in shock as thats quite rude and my mate explained i had a stutter and she looked a bit embarressed.

In fairness i spose she didnt realise i had a stutter, prob thought i was mucking around or something.

[Pirhana]

First post - yay! :p

Have to say, nobody's ever told me my stutter's cute - my ex boyfriend told me i was an embarrassment when we went out for dinner with friends and i struggled over food orders... Charming!

That said, i wouldn't get too bogged down in it - people really do fall in love either with people's faults, or are so in love that they don't see them as faults...

Take for example, i once fell absolutely head over heels for this guy who had almost permanent hayfever... he was either sneezing or had a runny nose practically the whole time! But he was so gorgeous and funny, and nice, that I actually found it really sweet, and I just wanted to have tissues on me the whole time so i could make it better!

So i guess the same could go for stuttering...?! We can live in hope!! ;)

[Noel]

This is my first post too. When i talk i have a pretty deep sounding voice, so it carrys across the room. When i stutter people normally feel obligated to help me finish words because recently i've gotten accustomed to repetitions for some reason. It seems like i either block or repeat but never both. Girl normally are good listeners but i have when i am trying to talk to a girl and someone just comes up and interrupts, or even worse the dreaded phone rings. The girls i always talk to are rude enough to answer it and i am always there just sitting in suspense. Some girls are just not patient enough to listen to me for some reason and it seems like they are in a hurry to run away from me. Even when i am charming i never get the feeling a girl is generally interested in talking to me. Most of my friends, who are guys, know i stutter and are understanding enough to be patient about it. They normally sit there and let me get out what i have to say. I just wish some girls would do that too. I've never been told my stuttering was cute by anyone important. One girl did tell me but she didn't mean anything to because she wouldnt even answer me when i did my best to talk to her. I am going to seriously consider taking these anxiety medications out on the market. Xanax is gonna probably be my first choice. I am happy to be a part of the wonderful forum. It is nice to meet everyone.

[Mullen]

I've always had the impression that women are very socially oriented so the very thought of dating someone with a social stigma disturbs them. When interacting with us they feel a need to be sympathetic and caring, yet not too sympathetic and caring, lest their kindness be misinterpreted. Some are better at pulling this off than others: some come across as cold and rude while others manage to convey some compassion. But alas coldness and compassion are two faces off the same coin, and at least as far as stuttering goes, I'd love to find a way to transcend both.

[Cammie]

Well i have a really hard time talking to guys, i don't mean to sound conceeded but guys always approach me and alot have asked me on dates but i can't talk to them, so i just stay at home mostly in my room. I have a boyfriend and he is awesome, i don't have a bad stutter just a mild one but still i am afraid of rejection.

[climberszen]

Power of Three... you have pretty much nailed key things there... to the most part I certainly agree with everything you said. At some "magical age" adults really stop caring about "shallow" stuff and hence speech becomes unimportant. Unfortunately, I think I am still to "screwed up" to take advantage of it. Just like you I am accused of being a tremendous flirt.. so I must be doing something right... and I have certainly found the same stuff you have... it is just getting over the final self image issue that my stuttering created in middle school....

[BenLZ]

If a woman is interested in you, then she will look past the speech to the real you.

Just like you will look past her outer skin to the real her.

I was considering your first line until I read your second. As a guy, it's no secret that physical beauty is important to us. It's great to think that "she'll see the real you" and she definitely might if your stutter isn't too bad. Mine kind of goes on and off in terms of how bad it is, but it's nearly always present. How bad is yours? The fact is, from what I've experienced, social contact is key in any relationship and if I'm at the point where I can't really joke and express my thoughts due to my speech, I'm hopeless. Stuttering guys are at a distinct disadvantage in life and when it comes to dating it really takes a special girl, in some cases, that means one who has simply lowered her standards.

I hate to be such a pessimist, but everyone has his/her own experiences.

[Mullen]

The fact is, from what I've experienced, social contact is key in any relationship and if I'm at the point where I can't really joke and express my thoughts due to my speech, I'm hopeless. Stuttering guys are at a distinct disadvantage in life and when it comes to dating it really takes a special girl, in some cases, that means one who has simply lowered her standards.

I hate to be such a pessimist, but everyone has his/her own experiences.

One of my greatest dreads is to date a girl that I'm not attracted to solely because she's willing to accept me. It seems inevitable that I'd end up hurting her emotionally. But then again when a girl that I'm not attracted to shows an interest in me and I don't reciprocate that interest I realize that I'm not really justified in feeling sorry for myself.

[BenLZ]

One of my greatest dreads is to date a girl that I'm not attracted to solely because she's willing to accept me. It seems inevitable that I'd end up hurting her emotionally. But then again when a girl that I'm not attracted to shows an interest in me and I don't reciprocate that interest I realize that I'm not really justified in feeling sorry for myself.

Yeah, that's happened to me a few times. I'm kind of in the same boat as you.

[divisi]

I firmly believe that men dont want to date a girl that stutters. Never. [...] I bet most of the girls out there think that a guy who stutters is so cute. I think so too. But i will never in my life hear a guy saying that my stuttering is cute.
That's interesting, because I firmly believe in the opposite of what you firmly believe in :-)

I never experienced that a girl thought my stuttering is cute, although I've noticed some of them feeling pity for me, and that's worse that if they found it embarassing, IMHO.

OTOH, I'm pretty sure I could fall in love with a girl who stutters, and see her not only as the most beautiful girl in the planet, but also as the girl with the most beautiful voice in the planet (but I'm a PWS, so maybe my opinion doesn't reflect the majority, I don't know).

[andrewg818]

It is TRUE that if we can LOVE ourselves as we are--w/ love being an ACTION verb..loving things that we actually DO--then we can love others as they are. Love yourself as a "cute, adorable person who happens to stutter sometimes"--and be OK w/ how you are w/out pushing yourself to get better and better..and you will experience, as the songs say, the greatest love of all--and it will be that much easier for you to turn those feelings on others.

[LIfE]

Okay, some questions for the guys:

Do you often find yourself 'settling' for girls that are either less attractive or uniquely different when you know you deserve better?

Have you ever had a close relationship with a girl that could potentially be 'the one' but thought that she deserved better?

Are you way more emotional than the average guy?

These are just some questions i've been curious about, because i can pretty much say 'yes' to all of these. I find myself attracting girls that i don't necessarily want to associate with, but the fact that these girls see me for who i really am makes them attractive. I've also had a few instances where i became really close with girls that were out of my league, and i ended up distancing myself because i felt they deserved way better than what i had to offer. And of course, i'm pretty much the most emotional guy you'll ever meet. I cry during sad scenes in movies and all that jazz, ugh!

[andrewg818]

one could say that 13 years ago..when I stuttered fully..that I settled.. I chose to meet girls on line [yes, back in 1995]--so that I wouldn't have to talk at first.. I "settled" for people I could meet easily--w/out much pre-talking.. Had I not stuttered, I might have had the confidence to be more aggressive/outgoing elsewhere...and had a wider choice of women.. At least, that would've been my thinking back then..
However, I can tell you know w/ absolute certainty in mind and heart..that the RESULT of that was beyond positive.. I have the world's greatest woman as a wife..a beautiful, caring-- wonderful mother..who is incredibly trusting, loyal, open, and sweet in EVERY way.. I am head over heels for her...and, had I-- not once upon a time thought myself small enough to be able to find love only in the small box of non-verbal situations, I would probably not be living this happy ever after.. Everything in our lives is happening perfectly-- the bad times are typically just dark tiles in what is, ultimately, the beautiful mosaic of our story--- I can see this looking back and appreciating what I have now-- but could not have seen it back then.

[Derek181]

lately these days i have been putting myself out there more. and shockingly the girls dont even care i dont think. they listen to me as if i were anyone else, heck i have even got a few numbers. i think if you stutter confidently and you feel ok with your speech then girls dont care. its when you stutter and you look away and your voice trembles cuz your so uncomfortable, thats when girls may not like it. but heck lately in the situations i have been in, its been going really well. i went out with a friend whos a girl a while back and went out with one other guy and like a big group of girls and i just had the mentality of hey iam going to stutter so i might as well just do it comfortably and i got a phone number from a very pretty girl.

[Count]

I made the experience that girls/women are impressed by a guy who stutters and can live with it. They see it as kind of strong and very self-confident when he puts himself through the same speaking situations like everyone else does. I think if we just speak and don't care about what people think we will never have problems with getting relationships.

[Silent]

I think if we just speak and don't care about what people think we will never have problems with getting relationships.
I agree, but for some of us it's the "we just speak" part that is more problematic than the "don't care about what people think" part...

[AstralMystic]

I'm not sure if it's the stutter that turns off most guys around where I live, or the social issues that, at least for me personal, go along with having been a stuttering child. I tried to start a thread here on social disadvantage and stuttering once, but it still has not been posted yet and that was a couple weeks ago. *shrugs* In any case, my luck with men has been almost a no go. I have dated, don't get me wrong. I just don't seem to get dates very often. I do however see that there are actually a few positive sides to this. I feel personally that so many people in our society that I know of are so hung up on meeting the idea partner and getting married. It's not just us women. Guys I knew to be the same way. For me however, I have pretty much given up on the idea of marriage, and since I have, for some strange reason always been of the old fashioned believe that the main intent is to meet the perfect life long mate, it seems kind of pointless to out out hitting on guys anyway, lol. If one ever came along, then that would be great too, but I honestly don't mind being single for life either. :)

[cjm555]

i dont like dating until i find that i like the person... seriously my last gf i knew for close to 4 monthes before i finaly asked her out. so by that time i felt comfortable enough that it wasnt that hard...

[Count]

For me however, I have pretty much given up on the idea of marriage. I honestly don't mind being single for life either. :)

Damn it! Now we have two desperate members on this board. It's getting worse.

[Silent]

Damn it! Now we have two desperate members on this board. It's getting worse.
Those who want marriage badly are desperate :)

[Jamus]

Do you often find yourself 'settling' for girls that are either less attractive or uniquely different when you know you deserve better?

Have you ever had a close relationship with a girl that could potentially be 'the one' but thought that she deserved better?

I find it to be this way to a good extent with me. I feel b/c I was single, alone and a complete hermit in the dating scene until I was about 24 years old, I am making up for lost years now and hooking up with almost anyone who seems to enjoy my company. Only to end up hurting them after a few weeks when I realize they are not my type.

And there have been a few girls who have paid me this attention and I had always thought that an attractive girl like that would not want to be with me long term, so I walked away. This had to do with self-confidence, something i still struggle with today. But I have come a long way. The only thing i do not want to do anymore is to hurt anyone else. Kind of hard to believe to some people seeing I stutter :o

[Imperfection]

As some other females have said, I find that most boys don't think stuttering is "cute," as some girls will say about a stuttering male.

Usually, when people make fun of stuttering in classes, the boys imitate it and do more of the "making fun." Girls/women tend to be more understanding, I believe. Or at least that's what I've seen.

But, then again, I've never gone on a date and no boy has ever expressed any sort of romantic attraction towards me.

[Violet]

As some other females have said, I find that most boys don't think stuttering is "cute," as some girls will say about a stuttering male.

Usually, when people make fun of stuttering in classes, the boys imitate it and do more of the "making fun." Girls/women tend to be more understanding, I believe. Or at least that's what I've seen.

But, then again, I've never gone on a date and no boy has ever expressed any sort of romantic attraction towards me.

Yeah girls are way more understanding.. I am so glad that i go to an all girls school :D

I think stuttering could be considered cute only if it was very, very mild.. sorta like how people don't care that you stutter as long as you don't do it haha.. lucky for me i hardly stutter infront of guys who i'm interested in soooo hopefully that theory works in my favour ;) although most of the time i'm only interested in them because theres something about them that makes me not stutter and because i'm not stuttering i feel better and feel happier so i like them more, although that said, i like everything more.. hahaa fluency is like my own happy drug that makes everything look more attractive :D

[AstralMystic]

Damn it! Now we have two desperate members on this board. It's getting worse.

I am the farthest thing from being disparate LOL. :rolleyes:

[claragazza]

Yeah girls are way more understanding.. I am so glad that i go to an all girls school :D

I think stuttering could be considered cute only if it was very, very mild.. sorta like how people don't care that you stutter as long as you don't do it haha.. lucky for me i hardly stutter infront of guys who i'm interested in soooo hopefully that theory works in my favour ;) although most of the time i'm only interested in them because theres something about them that makes me not stutter and because i'm not stuttering i feel better and feel happier so i like them more, although that said, i like everything more.. hahaa fluency is like my own happy drug that makes everything look more attractive :D

I fully agree. I think that if you only have a little repetition or block one in every second sentence, stuttering can be "cute". But when it is distorting everything you say, noone will convince me that stuttering is cute, at least in a woman.
This being said, it did not preclude me from getting married (and having children)