I can't fight this feeling anymore

[Milagro725]

Hello,

I don't really know what to say other than I'm just trying to live my life and also accept the fact that I am a person who stutters. I guess I should say more accurately that I can't fight this feeling anymore of not living up to my potential merely because I don't talk normally. The truth is that I have not been living up to my potential as a human being at all due to the massive amount of shame I've been carrying around with me. I've come to a sort of crossroads about my stutter and my life: I can either go on living this way in total isolation and fear and shame and never have the life that I want; OR I can accept the stutter and take back control of my life. So here I am, talking about my stutter (something I've never, ever done) and trying to take back control.


Even though I was born with a stutter, I was NOT born thinking negatively about it. That belief was passed down to me by unsuspecting and uneducated family members. I have always believed with a lot of conviction that I was inadequate and insignificant because I stutter. What a crock.

Here is where I get annoyingly optimistic: I believe that we actually can do anything so long as we think we can. I do not believe that we should be ashamed of our impediment no matter what society or our loved ones or perfect strangers tell us. I'm a bit of an idealist and to be honest, I wonder if I would still be one if I didn't stutter. My family used to make fun of me for stuttering. I believed them when they said I couldn't do something and suffered an enormous amount of pain and trauma because of it for many, many years. It was a huge waste of time.


Anyway. I'm rambling now but I just wanted to reiterate that we do not have to feel ashamed for being ourselves. I hope to use this site for advice and support. I hope to meet people just like myself and I hope to learn a lot. I am very happy I found this place.

Best,
Teresa

[Violet]

hello :)
yeah i used to, well actually kinda still, feel that way.. particularly with the feeling insignificant bit. I've always been above average height and i actually 100% flat out believed that i took up too much space on this earth. And it had nothing to do with believing that i was fat (i was far from it anyway) It was mainly because i believed that because i stuttered my life was worth significantly less than everyone elses and that i was literally a waste of space. and anyway i started loosing weight and stuff, well not on purpose - it was more subconsciously cause i was so unhappy and wanted to be smaller to physically be how i felt. and i suppose it was also cause i didnt eat as much as i should have because i felt that food and resources were wasted on me and that there were better people out there who deserved it instead.

haha lol and that was the messed up brain of my 11-15 year old self
*shakes head in disbelief*

one benefit from having a stutter is that i know my place in the world.. unlike many people my age who think the world revolves around them.. *rolls eyes in their general direction*

[Mullen]

Welcome to the forum, Violet. I don't know how such a beautiful introduction went without a reply for five days. Sorry about that.

I've been reading Octavio Paz's "Labyrinth of Solitude". I know it's dated (it was written back in 1950), but if there's any truth in his depiction of Mexican culture, I can imagine how difficult it might have been for you to grow up with a stutter. Though we all share similar issues, I think culture plays a part in how we view ourselves, for better or for worse.

So take care. And if you wish, please continue to post: your "annoying optimism" is always welcome and beneficial to the forum.

[Mullen]

That post was meant for Milagro. Sorry about that.

[Milagro725]

Thank you! Apparently the mods around here like to hide. I don't even know if my reply will ever show up. Le sigh. Anyway.

Mullen, I agree about the culture thing. My family is half Spanish and the expectations are enormous. I'm expected to be perfect or at least actively trying to attain perfection. I live with my Grandfather and he is the quintessential stubborn, "I am always right/ You are always wrong" Spaniard. His unkind demeanor flattens me regularly, but I allow it I suppose because that's just what has always happened. Lame.

Anyway, thanks again.

[Box of Clocks]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. Sounds like you have gone through a rough time with your family due to stuttering but at the same time you seem to have a good attitude in terms of how you view the problem.

[Violet]

That post was meant for Milagro. Sorry about that.

hahaa i was like HUH? :p

[Mullen]

hahaa i was like HUH? :p

.........:o

[Milagro725]

Thanks so much everyone. It means a lot to me that people are replying and welcoming me here to this forum. My only gripe is that I'm not sure why my posts aren't showing up. What is the point of having a supportive site if we can't post for that support? :confused:

Much love,
T

[Asif]

Ah...
Annoying Optimism!
Where would we be without it?
Whatever we believe, then so it IS :)
Absolutely true.
But belief is a bit like the moon as seen from earth:
Sometimes it shines bright and full.
Sometimes it is only a dim slice.
Sometimes it can't be seen at ALL!
But like the moon: even when you can't see it, it's only a matter of time until it shines forth again.

[sst]

Yay, you finally got accepted into our world. :) I feel like I've chatted with you before. ;)

[White Sox]

one benefit from having a stutter is that i know my place in the world.. unlike many people my age who think the world revolves around them.. *rolls eyes in their general direction*

Thats a very powerful and true statement. I think we are forced to see the world in a different way. It is one of the few benefits of stuttering.