View Full Version : Fluency 5: The Quiet Mind.
My time - so far - on this forum has been extraordinarily interesting, and extraordinarily unpleasant.
When one reads a book about a particular subject, one reads and that's that.
One does not have to agree, or disagree with what the book says.
One can read it or not read it.
Most of all one does not have the option of demolishing the author on everything in the book.
Whereas on this forum, nearly everything from what I say, to how I present it, has been the target of ridicule, scorn and abuse. Which is very odd, since everybody who comes here is interested in gaining fluency, either for themselves, or for someone they care for.
Writing anything at all has become like spinning plates at a circus: except that the plates are bottles of nitro-glycerine, and there are too many of them to deal with.
No time to carefully stop each one and put it safely down before the next one falls and explodes. I can't keep it up, but I can't just leave either.
So what am I doing here in the first place?
Well...
I was a stutterer too. You could say I still am, only almost nobody else notices what is left of my impediment. A slight hesitation, from time to time, a longer pause between words than is usual. But all in all: very fluent and easily understood.
How I got to be this fluent is a longer story, and judging by the way things have gone so far, a story that will never be told in the way I first set out to tell it.
But for now, I can say this:
As a severe stutterer, my mind was tight shut. I knew more about the moon than I did about myself. Everything set me off. Everything was a threat, or an insult, or some slight or other. Nothing and nobody could help me, or make contact with me, because I was unable to let them.
While simultaneously crying out for help, the chip on my shoulder was so big it blocked out the sun.
In my endless desire to be like other people, I was unable to see that I was never supposed to be like them. I was me, but I didn't know what "me" was.
And I hated them for the ease with which they could speak, while all I could do was make incoherent sounds and stretch my face into awful parodies of the image of myself I carried around inside my head.
I hated myself, but never once recognized that fact.
I hated everyone else, too, for having it so much easier than me.
My emotions were always in a rampant state of hair-trigger readiness: loaded and ready to go at the slightest thing. Anger. Sorrow, Self pity and loathing. Envy. Jealousy. Despair.
I remember myself as a friendly, pleasant child, but I wasn't like that at all.
For years I went around like this: seething with emotions too frightening to face.
Chaos reigned inside my head, and no way to turn it off.
Popular songs, advertising jingles, noisy neighbours. Noise, noise, noise...
What I needed the most was finally thrust upon me by fate.
A hurricane washed me ashore in nothing but a pair of underpants on the coast of the Sonoran Desert in Mexico. My boat and everything I owned lay disintegrated and ruined: scattered across the beach.
But what I found was peace, all around me. Silence and time to just be.
When I was not scrambling around trying to feed myself, I was asleep in the sun, or else sitting silently watching a spectacular mountain peak.
Weeks passed. With the passage of time, desires faded away. I may have been resigned to dying in that alien place. But whatever I was doing, I simply ended up giving up.
And that was what changed in me.
Putting aside all desires, something opened wide in me.
When you stop wanting the unattainable, that is when it hovers within your reach.
To cut a very long story short, after I finally walked out of there and back into the world, I could speak perfectly fluently for the next six months.
The thing is: living in modern society, one is bombarded by outside stimuli.
Emotion starts getting in the way again.
But it is never as unmanageable, once you have cleaned emotion out once.
From 100% fluent, I went to maybe 98%.
And I can live with that.
Meditation, as often as you can manage it, can only help.
The object is to empty your mind of everything.
Everything.
If you succeed, you will know it: you will wonder if you have damaged your brain, because it is just so quiet.
If you can get that far, you will be well on your way.
chris2112
12-25-2008, 02:48 AM
I really like this post. Iv always imagined letting go of my desire to stop stuttering will help my stutter greatly, easier said then done though. Relaxing and trying to quiet my mind does help my stuttering. Did you have to practice before you became fluent or did your newly found state of mind just not let your emotions make stuttering worse?
I really like this post. Iv always imagined letting go of my desire to stop stuttering will help my stutter greatly, easier said then done though. Relaxing and trying to quiet my mind does help my stuttering. Did you have to practice before you became fluent or did your newly found state of mind just not let your emotions make stuttering worse?
Fluency was immediate and total.
But getting to that point took me many years.
The purpose of these posts is to let people know the way it happened.
So they don't have to wait as long as I did before finding out by accident, half a lifetime later.
chris2112
12-25-2008, 03:04 AM
Fluency was immediate and total.
But getting to that point took me many years.
The purpose of these posts is to let people know the way it happened.
So they don't have to wait as long as I did before finding out by accident, half a lifetime later.
Why do you think you stoped stuttering exactly?
Why do you think you stoped stuttering exactly?
I gave up: simple as that.
I had a great sensation of:
"Wow! It's all so simple!"
Which it actually is, in the end, but I don't expect anyone to be able to believe that.
There were many side effects:
I became totally honest: with myself and with others.
That's why I so easily offend, I guess.
How many totally honest people have you ever met?
I lost all fear of anything.
I saw my place in the universe: as very very minuscule.
But as a vital part of it too.
Humility is often misunderstood.
It is so rare, people see it as fake, or as arrogance.
I shed years in physical appearance,
While gaining the sort of insight most people never imagine.
I speak now, exactly as I write: with this odd rhythm and no filler words.
People sometimes think it rude.
chris2112
12-25-2008, 03:42 AM
Have you have ever read books by eckhart tolle? He wrote the power of now and a new earth. The experience you had that made you fluent really seems like what hes talking about.
My goodness, Asif, you spend a lot of time here. ;) I thought I held that record. Nothing like a good old fashioned Christmas Eve on the stuttering forum. Who needs to spend with family and friends, right? :)
A shame that once again the flow is diverted.
But encouraged by my wife, I go ahead in spite of it.
Strange and sad, when people, believing in nothing,
destroy everything they don't understand, hoping to control it.
I once had a cat with an unknown emotional ailment.
It began to scratch behind it's head until it became infected.
I tried for weeks to help it.
Nothing could persuade it to stop its scratching.
One morning it had scratched right through to its spine.
A few days later it was dead.
Sometimes no matter what you try to accomplish, you fail.
Even though I have Xmas spirit, Asif/Hans, I still have no pity for you. :)
Even though I have Xmas spirit, Asif/Hans, I still have no pity for you. :)
Listen carefully and consider:
It is very, very unfair to Hans that people attribute to him what they accuse me of.
He may even be a homoual himself.
But if he is, he does not wear it like an identity tag.
He does not bleat about it in his quest for approval and attention.
He does not use it to embark upon an endless hate-fest.
He does not use it to enlist the support of others against a solitary victim.
What Hans had that almost nobody else here has is compassion.
He got over his stuttering, and so had the chance to feel for those who had not.
Shame on you for hating him for his success and his need to try to help.
Do you have to take a special serum in order to transform into your other personalities?
Do you have to take a special serum in order to transform into your other personalities?
OK: since you are hell-bent on destroying whatever dwindling credibility you may have among these people, I will help you. Because, dear boy, you are seriously in need of help.
I will show you something you have never seen before.
It's called logic.
I did extensive research on Hans. I read a lot of his posts and the idiotic, childish, knee-jerk responses he received, for his trouble.
Hans is a genius. But better still, he is compassionate.
He actually cares about people like you. I know that's incomprehensible to you.
No matter...
Hans knew what he was talking about.
He is old enough to know a lot of things.
True knowledge, resulting from life experience is not something that gets "outdated".
It may get modified as more knowledge is added, but it is never worthless.
Unlike your endless wafer-thin opinions and prejudices.
Now observe: Hans did his best to communicate, over a period of time, that does great justice to him. And when he decided it was a hopeless task, he left the forum.
He left.
Did you understand that?
Gone. Gave up. Found better uses for his time.
Let me point out something you have obviously missed...
I didn't leave.
Why?
Because Hans is not me, nor me him.
He has a different personality. He didn't see past the relentless attacks he was subjected to by a tiny minority of very noisy, very opinionated people here.
He was driven off because he assumed that nobody had any use for him.
But I will not be doing that. Because I am me.
And I have noticed things that he didn't.
That my Fluency posts get viewed by many, many more people than can be accounted for by the few yakking attention-seekers who imagine their opinions are the be all and end all.
I say opinions, because from the speed at which insulting replies are posted, there is very obviously no thought going on. No consideration given to my words. Just mindless emotional responses.
I know you don't understand a thing I have said here, because you can't.
Logic is something you have a deficiency of.
Emotion is what motivates you. Along with lust and self-importance.
But these words are not for you.
They will remain long after yours have shown exactly what sort of person you are.
And they serve to illustrate, that logic, tempered by knowledge, is a far more powerful means of communication than out-of-control-emotions coupled with message-less, meaningless, abusive drivel.
No, actually I'll always have credibility. :) My posts are well thought-out, grammatically correct, and, dare I say, amusing, to most people. But I'm not full of myself, like you. You will always be known as someone who attacked a new member for simply asking a question. Remember: you went out of your way to attack someone. I've gotten over the fact that simply giving you attention is making you stay around. Just haunting your threads are fun in itself.
Your posts are long-winded, pretentious, and frankly, quite easy to parody. Everyone else has given up on dealing with you, but not me. See, I find deranged people such as yourself, quite fascinating. You are the Hannibal Lecter, to my Clarice Starling. I'm not the one who needs help. Did you spend all day on here? Is this your gift to the world, spending this holiday meticulously reading over every word you typed out? You sure are dedicated.
Happy Holidays. ;)
You sure are dedicated.
That I am.
And that's without a doubt your best post yet. And fast too.
Maybe there's more to you, after all, than the jaded badge you wear.
Just haunting your threads are fun in itself.
After due consideration of what appears to be your unchanging, never-ending attacks upon anything and everything I write, this is the only response you will ever get from me.
You are evidently a masochist and I will not give you pleasure ever again.
Asif.
You should write a book called "Deep Thoughts by Asif". Could Hans write the foreword?
You should write a book called "Deep Thoughts by Asif". Could Hans write the foreword?
dude...:D
Is it really true that u were ship wrecked...how'd u get back? thats a very interesting story. i hope u r writing a book.
When you stop wanting the unattainable, that is when it hovers within your reach
wow...thats deep shit. even though i subscribe to the secret - want it and want it bad enough and then...u get it. but many times just when i've lost hope...i have a breakthrough...hmmm. food for thought perhaps.
But while it "hovers within your reach"...do u grab for it. and then by extension u start wanting it again?
i dont mean to turn this into a syntactic discussion but its a great philosophical tangent.
good on ye.
Nate
dude...:D
Is it really true that u were ship wrecked...how'd u get back? thats a very interesting story. i hope u r writing a book.
When you stop wanting the unattainable, that is when it hovers within your reach
wow...thats deep shit. even though i subscribe to the secret - want it and want it bad enough and then...u get it. but many times just when i've lost hope...i have a breakthrough...hmmm. food for thought perhaps.
But while it "hovers within your reach"...do u grab for it. and then by extension u start wanting it again?
i dont mean to turn this into a syntactic discussion but its a great philosophical tangent.
good on ye.
Nate
Aren't I a stinker? :p
Do you want to know the secrets of Asif's profound knowledge? Those little place mats you find at Denny's restraunts.
Note: If you're not American, just substitute Denny's for any mediocre family restaurant chain.
Aren't I a stinker? :p
Do you want to know the secrets of Asif's profound knowledge? Those little place mats you find at Denny's restraunts.
Note: If you're not American, just substitute Denny's for any mediocre family restaurant chain.
Nando's is a restaurant chain. they dont write that kind of stuff there. sorry:confused:
:D
Nate
Nando's is a restaurant chain. they dont write that kind of stuff there. sorry:confused:
:D
Nate
I think a Chinese restaurant would fit the description more than Denny's, my apologies, hehe.
I think a Chinese restaurant would fit the description more than Denny's, my apologies, hehe.
aye...that i understand. fortune cookie- learn chinese.
ever heard about the guy who opens a fortune cookie and finds a note saying "Help...i'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory"?
aye...that i understand. fortune cookie- learn chinese.
ever heard about the guy who opens a fortune cookie and finds a note saying "Help...i'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory"?
Robinson Crusoe.
My all time favourite guy.
(when I was a stutterer).
Robinson Crusoe.
My all time favourite guy.
(when I was a stutterer).
isnt he the guy who got castaway on a an island somewhere. i remember that book. by daniel defoe. i read it as a child. i used to want to sail away to deserted island somewhere as a kid. just to get away.
BTW dye watch lost? the TV series?
Nate
(when I was a stutterer).
You have a hard time keeping your stories straight. ;) No pun intended.
Yippee! SST has come back!
To dish out some more of his flak.
Never was there a dork with as little fresh pork,
To conceal under a buttoned mac.
He thinks just because he's a ,
he'll have everything his own way.
But a muslim scores more, in the eyes of the law,
And that will sure keep him at bay.
But he's truly less clever than that,
he's unlikely to quit his attack.
He will hang himself, see, and he'll do it for free.
He'll have nothing to say to get back.
For his words will stand for him, to tell,
that the poor little boy is unwell.
He is nasty and vile, with his fake emo. smile,
But upon his fate, let us not dwell.
I am sorry dear boy that you're thick.
And that all you can see is your .
I did hope you'd do better, than a well-used love-letter,
From your latest and greatest cheap trick.
Finally, the real Asif comes out of the closet. :) I'm surprised the doctors let you out of your cell long enough to type up that hostile tirade. Which do you loathe more, Muslims or s? s or Muslims? Do you ever decide by a flip of the coin?
Finally, the real Asif comes out of the closet. :) I'm surprised the doctors let you out of your cell long enough to type up that hostile tirade. Which do you loathe more, Muslims or s? s or Muslims? Do you ever decide by a flip of the coin?
Did I never say I was a muslim?
Interesting that.
I wonder if anything actually does go on inside your head.
You should find a brain in there somewhere.
Have a good hunt for it.
If you can find it, try using it.
The poor little chap's in a panic,
By the minute he's getting more manic.
He thinks he knows what, but he's quite lost the plot,
He's not only , but fanatic.
Everywhere he sees more homophobes,
But he can't see the end of his nose.
He assumes I am bad, and it's made him quite mad,
From his empty head down to his toes.
I don't give a damn if he's .
About that I have nothing to say.
But such a vile creature, a true horror feature,
Is what makes me respond in this way.
Did I never say I was a muslim?
Interesting that.
I wonder if anything actually does go on inside your head.
You should find a brain in there somewhere.
Have a good hunt for it.
If you can find it, try using it.
The poor little chap's in a panic,
By the minute he's getting more manic.
He thinks he knows what, but he's quite lost the plot,
He's not only , but fanatic.
Everywhere he sees more homophobes,
But he can't see the end of his nose.
He assumes I am bad, and it's made him quite mad,
From his empty head down to his toes.
I don't give a damn if he's .
About that I have nothing to say.
But such a vile creature, a true horror feature,
Is what makes me respond in this way.
Your poems are so amateur, it's difficult to pick out all your idiocies.
No, I'm not the one who sees invisible people. That would be you, after your nurse forgets to give you your medication. How is Shady Acres this time of year, anyways?
It is true I don't do it for bucks,
But my poems aren't meant for dumb fux.
There are some people here, to whom meanings ring clear,
It is they who deserve the good luck.
I say once again to you folk,
It was never my purpose to poke.
But I never could rest, in the face of a pest,
until I had send him up in smoke.
Let this be a lesson to one,
who is led by his and his bum,
Leave good people alone, lest you have to atone,
For your own persecution of some.
You sure are a dirty old man, I'll give you that.
There is nothing you need give me at all.
You have nothing I could possibly want.
philostam
12-06-2009, 11:34 PM
For my part, I've found this thread the most interesting, most insightful of all in the entire forum. (And "Dysfluency 1." the funniest. :) ) I don't care about Asif's personality, if he has experienced extraordinary things.
To show my respect to Asif I copy his summary from his blog.
---
ASIF/THE CROW: HOW I ENDED MY STUTTER
People ask me often how I did it. How did I stop stuttering and start speaking.
Well...
I may not be typical, but then again I might just be.
I have a theory, that stutterers are "Golden Children".
We come into the world and are - from the start - different to most people.
We detect, early on, that the world is crazy.
We can make no sense of it.
We see adults as completely nuts. And other children as spiteful creatures that would do us harm.
We do not understand it at all, because we are not like that.
But what we are, as a group, is more sensitive, more vulnerable, than others.
Stress sets in. It builds up. We want to talk about this, but nobody understands. Nobody listens.
The need to communicate builds and builds, and we use more and more effort to try to be heard.
And to be understood.
And at some point the effort we put into trying to vocalize our needs causes our vocal cords to close.
Like a tin whistle will not whistle when blown too hard, our vocal cords are blown too hard and they stop vocalizing.
I may be wrong. Or at least only right about myself.
But consider the possibility that this may have happened to you.
You have learned, over a lifetime, that you stutter.
How in the world are you going to unlearn that?
How I did it is probably not possible for most people, but for those who are serious enough about speaking fluently, it may work for you.
You must discover yourself all over again.
Put yourself in an environment where you can do this. A seething city will not do.
Silence and solitude are necessary. A desert is ideal. Or a sunny, empty beach.
Teach yourself to meditate. This is easy. Do it alone. There is no such thing as meditating in a group, at least not for me. You must be alone.
Empty your mind and breathe.
Really breathe.
Become conscious of every breath. Do not force anything.
Sink into nothingness.
I recommend reading what must be one of the world's shortest books:
Tao Te Ching: the Stephen Mitchell translation.
Absorb it. Read it over and over. Live it. Become it.
And realize that effort used is effort wasted.
Give your vocal cords, and your entire mind and body a break.
Just stop.
After a week - or a month - of this, you will be very different from when you started.
And you will be able to speak.
It may not last, but you will know it can be done, and how it can be done, and you will be able to build on that.
A time will come when you simply forget about your desire to speak fluently, and that will be the moment that you can.
We want it too much. and that is the very thing that prevents us from getting it.
Until you understand that last sentence, you will not be fluent.
No guarantees on this: but understand: what you get out of it is directly proportional to what you put into it. Put everything you have into it, but do it without effort, or the desire for any result.
Just do it.
philostam
12-07-2009, 02:40 PM
But in the end, Asif doesn't have the clue. "Want to get rid of your fear of stuttering? Get rid of your fear of dying!" The key moment in Asif's journey was not changing the breathing, despising modern society, thinking and living calmly (these were just the effects) - but that a hurricane off-centered him from his phobia-led life: a bigger, stronger trauma washed away the past post-traumatic stress, and with having to face with dying, all the past desires and lies, his scenical castle in the air was ridiculed, faded, fell apart. Being a castaway it would have been a very comic thing continuing wanting to be normal, wanting to gain fluency. Thus he looked back and asked silently: "Was I a fool? Now I'm in solitude beyond expression, looking into the face of death: and I had feared all my life a silly, harmless black cat not to run afor my car. Hahah!" - But of course he didn't talk to himself, because healthy people don't talk to themselves.
My hurricane was that I managed to unchain the paradoxes of stuttering thus opening up my well-kept heart to the stroke of lightning that others call "the truth". - Because happiness can also be traumatic.
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