Is avoidance bad at all times for all people no matter what?

[Silent]

I'm not as talkative as I could be, I've chosen the sort of work that doesn't involve interacting with the public, etc.. That's not necessarily a good or bad thing, but it has lessened my stutter considerably.
Has it really improved your stutter, or is it just that your stutter doesn't get as many chances to manifest?

I don't talk much either and I wonder if it's good for me. Some say the more you push yourself into speaking situations, the more fluent you become, as you gain confidence and the fear diminishes etc.
On the other hand, I've noticed when I talk to people and have a hard time, it doesn't diminish my fear or make me more fluent; on the contrary, it ruins my confidence and makes me regret having gone out or tried to say this or that. The last time I went out was 2 months ago and I still wish it hadn't happened.

I suppose it depends on how we deal with the stuttering occurences and embarrassing moments. If you can go out and stutter like crazy and feel okay about it, then go for it, it's good for you... But if such situations traumatize you more than you already are, maybe you're better off avoiding speaking when it's not necessary...

Personally I don't see how wanting to say something and not being able to do so can make one more confident and leave a feeling of satisfaction and contentment, but I guess if you are mild and can get out, say, 30% of the words, you can still get your point across and that's what matters in the end. If you're severe and can only get out 2% of the words, all confidence you can gain from such an experience is the confidence in not being able to communicate.

[cjm555]

That is the theory to which I subscribe. Exposure, a little at a time - don't over do it - help build self-confidence. However, we must always, always, always be aware of our capabilities and limitations. We must push forward beyond our capabilities yet must never try to surpass our true limitation. Negative experiences are known to “shut down” a person’s willingness to progress. We must know really ourselves before venturing into the unknown. Good experiences are awesome confidence boosters whereas negative experience can have a detrimental effect on those who do not posses rock-solid will power. Closely monitor yourself, your actions, your acceptance of each situation, and your reactions. By doing so you will learn what are your limits and capabilities.

E


thats perfect... its sotra like me theory on things... if you dont put yourself out there you will never get better... i will admit it has helped me with my speach/personal skills

[Jamus]

Well said AGOFCR. It took me years to build my confidence up in this same way.

Earlier on, speaking situations destroyed my confidence. As I continued to push myself, it became easier. I became self aware of who I was amongst all the fluent people around me. I was aware of my limitations and the fact that if others didn't tolerate the way I talked, then I decided they were not worth my time. It gave me great comfort that I was able to realize that and to be out in public and be able to stutter and be ok with it. A great part of it was others' opinions and views of me that got in my way of making progress. Of opening up, and forcing me to avoid. It wasn't easy but I was persistent, and now am in a better place.

[grantM]

Because of all the negative experiences we have had in the past we now often go into speaking situations with a preset outcomes of how we will stutter and how people will react. Our own self perception f our stuttering is far worse than that of the general public. We are very hard on ourselves most of the time. You cannot hide. If you do you will slip deeper into the hole, and yes you must take it slowly and try to understand each situation.

[Bobby]

It seems to be a never ending cycle with me

I will go days or weeks without any major blocks and start feeling I have control of it.

Then all it takes is one single block and I'm back to feeling hopeless again.

At school everyone knew I had a stutter, so I wasn't so bummed out when I did slip. Its much different now after school as the friends I made in college and my co-workers don't know I stutter. I feel more self-conscious about my stuttering now and try and hide it.

A social phobia kind grew over me, which actually affected some friendships I made as I would decline any social outings that came up.

Its hard to actually think that even though my stuttering was worse at school, It was actually better to have people know you stuttered.

As I have become more fluent a fear of stuttering is worse then stuttering itself.

[grantM]

[QUOTE=Bobby;30664]
Its hard to actually think that even though my stuttering was worse at school, It was actually better to have people know you stuttered.
QUOTE]

Yes Bobby, I whole heartedly agree and his is taught quite often. We often have a fear of people identifying us as stutterers and then of what their immediate percpetion will be. There is no harm at all and many people advocate the process of disclosure.

I lecture at a university with a very marked stutter. On the first day of a new class I introduce myself and then disclose. Usually with a slide which says "I stutter". This gets out into the open and then I ask them to laugh out load now (few do) and never again. I stutter with very severe blocks and facial contortions. Yet I have never had negative feedback from students or peer reviews because if it. One peer reveiw even mentioned that it makes my lecturing stronger as it forces student attention lol. People soon look through the speech issue. I als dislose to new workmates. It is not a crime for a person to react to a stutterer if they are unaware of it at first. Put yourself into their shoes and think of how a stranger must feel at times when presented with an unexpected severe stutter.

[JDRow]

On the other hand, I've noticed when I talk to people and have a hard time, it doesn't diminish my fear or make me more fluent; on the contrary, it ruins my confidence and makes me regret having gone out or tried to say this or that.

That's sort of how I feel about it. I don't think avoidance is ever great, but I think sometimes it's okay, and might be better than pushing yourself to do something that is going to be more humiliating or frustrating than helpful. If I'm having a hard time one day and am going out to eat, I'm not going to feel guilty about having the person I'm with order for me. I know that if I try to order and end up not being able to get it out, I'm just going to be embarrassed and frustrated, and that's going to make me not want to order the next time, even if I'm stuttering a lot less at that time.

I do think avoiding talking generally is never going to be good, though. I've had times where I've gone pretty long periods without talking, period, and that did just make me more and more nervous about talking. So if I'm having a time when I'm really stuttering badly, I'm not going to go out of my way to talk to people I don't know, but I also try not to avoid talking to friends or people I know well. I probably won't say as much to them as I might otherwise, but I will try to talk, even if I have to end up writing some of what I want to say down or letting them finish words for me.

[Mullen]

Has it really improved your stutter, or is it just that your stutter doesn't get as many chances to manifest?

I think it has improved my stutter, though at a cost. I really don't relate to people that well, but then some of the more interesting people I've met in life weren't very sociable. I'm more into developing an inner life through reading and reflection than trying to be accepted by others. And the less I have to fit in, be it through work or socializing, the less impact my stutter has on my goals in life; and when my stutter becomes of secondary importance, it just naturally diminishes. When I do have trouble speaking I'm able to focus on the trouble, and not the impact of the trouble.

I use to work in an office, having to interact with people all day long. I was miserable. Not only was I trying to cope with my stutter, but I always felt compelled to put on a front in order to be accepted. I have nothing against making friends if it comes naturally and the friends I do make are true friends, but the communication and social barrier that stuttering presents is just too formidable. I could spend a lifetime just trying to make friends, but in the end find myself like so many others, both stutterers and fluent speakers alike, alone in the world. And there's nothing more tragic than the man who values friendship above all else who finds himself alone and unable to be at peace with his own solitude. In that respect the hermit trumps the socialite, but then again we aren't all predisposed to be hermits. But from my perspective there's no shame in being one if it's one's true calling in life; it might very well be a blessing.

[sst]

I think avoidance is something we all use here, it's a defense mechanism for the most part. Being in our comfort zones for long periods of time is really bad, I would say. When I was a long way from home and had to do everything by myself, I still had some fear of speaking in situations, but it felt like I had an extra level of control over my life even though the stutter was still there. I'm not sure how else to describe it.

[Jamus]

When I was a long way from home and had to do everything by myself, I still had some fear of speaking in situations, but it felt like I had an extra level of control over my life even though the stutter was still there. I'm not sure how else to describe it.

I feel like I have more control over my life being completely independent. It means I have to do things myself, and that I will stutter more b/c I don't have someone to do things for me. But that is how I want it. In doing so it teaches me not to back down, to jump into the fire no matter what the cost. After it's done, I feel whole, and not defeated. And I feel like I succeeded b/c I didn't give up in trying.

But alas, I do avoid every once in awhile, when my confidence isn't so high. I still have those days :p

[sst]

I feel like I have more control over my life being completely independent. It means I have to do things myself, and that I will stutter more b/c I don't have someone to do things for me. But that is how I want it. In doing so it teaches me not to back down, to jump into the fire no matter what the cost. After it's done, I feel whole, and not defeated. And I feel like I succeeded b/c I didn't give up in trying.

But alas, I do avoid every once in awhile, when my confidence isn't so high. I still have those days :p

Seriously, you are right. :) I need to chase that feeling. I hate not being in control of my life. :o