m62man
02-17-2009, 08:24 PM
I found this forum after a number of false starts and being referred to "Send us your money and we'll cure you" sites.
I decided to do some research after meeting a guy last week who had a really bad stutter. He reminded me of myself at his age (21) and my heart went out to him. The thing that surprised me was how often he re-started the conversation. He obviously has a lot of confidence, but struggles badly. The other thing was, I found myself starting to stutter too. It really is catching! Just watching him struggle brought back feelings of how I used to be. I really had to shake myself not to start doing it again, and have him think that I was mimicking him.
Anyway, it got me to thinking about whether I should offer to help, and whether what worked for me would work for him. I know from experience that you can't make someone do what you want, however sure you are that it's for the best, and anyway, what I did may not work for him anyway. So, I joined this site to get an opinion from you guys.
About myself - I went through a phase of stammering early in my teens which lasted until I was in my mid twenties. I am 58 now. I found it really debilitating and preferred not to talk at all. When I did have a burst of confidence and joined in a conversation, it would dawn on me that I had a difficult letter looming up in what I wanted to say, and if I couldn't find an alternative in time, I would be stuck. This probably had the effect of making me more eloquent than I otherwise would have been, but it certainly made me very shy.
I got a job with a firm of lawyers when I left school, and had to draft documents for approval.Once or twice a week, I had to read out whatever I had prepared to one of the senior guys at work. He never laughed at me or mimicked me or did anything to make me feel worse. He just didn't help either, and for some reason, I never took the option of missing difficult words out...he knew what they were, and I am sure it wouldn't have mattered if I had just skipped over them. I would stand there, almost exploding with the effort of getting the word out, while he sat calmly looking at me. Having got past that one, I knew that a couple of sentences further on, the same word would crop up again, and I would have the same problem.I dreaded it, and I hated myself for having the problem.
A number of things got me out of the habit of stammering. First, I knew it wasn't a physical thing. I could say some words sometimes, and sometimes not. I could sing anything, any word at all, as long as I put a tune to it, or a beat....like walking along and speaking in rhythm with my footsteps. And I never stammered when I was angry. So I knew it had to do with my head, my attitude, my self conciousness, and my self-confidence.
The difficult thing was speaking in front of another person, or worse, in front of a number of people. As soon as I became concious that I was speaking, I would get that feeling...almost like a ghost creeping up on me, and it would start.
I decided to confront my ghost. I know that sounds dramatic, but it was.
To recreate the feeling, I sat in my bedroom in front of the mirror with a tape recorder and the mike in my hand, and I made myself read aloud. No avoiding difficult words, or dipping into my dictionary brain for an alternative. It was absolutely horrendous. Even though there was nobody there to hear or see me, I had the same feelings of struggle, helplessness and anger that my stammering brought me when in the company of other people. The mirror and the machine were as real to me as another person being in the room, but I didn't have to live with the thought of what they thought about me afterwards.
I made myself do it night after night until I stopped stammering. That was it. Just confronting myself and forcing myself to realise that I was doing it to myself.
Also, around the time this was going on, I took a job with another firm in another town, and I think it helped having a clean slate, knowing that I could start from scratch as a non-stammerer.
I had a few relapses, but when I got stuck I would just stop and say "I lost my thread", or something like that, or drop something, or fall over. Anything to avoid letting them know that I stammered. Then when I met them again, they might think I was a dreamer, or clumsy, but I knew they weren't expecting a stammerer.
I would welcome your opinions on whether I should tell my new friend my story, or maybe refer him to this site.
I have found it very moving and uplifting reading the forums. A big well-done to whoever started it.
I decided to do some research after meeting a guy last week who had a really bad stutter. He reminded me of myself at his age (21) and my heart went out to him. The thing that surprised me was how often he re-started the conversation. He obviously has a lot of confidence, but struggles badly. The other thing was, I found myself starting to stutter too. It really is catching! Just watching him struggle brought back feelings of how I used to be. I really had to shake myself not to start doing it again, and have him think that I was mimicking him.
Anyway, it got me to thinking about whether I should offer to help, and whether what worked for me would work for him. I know from experience that you can't make someone do what you want, however sure you are that it's for the best, and anyway, what I did may not work for him anyway. So, I joined this site to get an opinion from you guys.
About myself - I went through a phase of stammering early in my teens which lasted until I was in my mid twenties. I am 58 now. I found it really debilitating and preferred not to talk at all. When I did have a burst of confidence and joined in a conversation, it would dawn on me that I had a difficult letter looming up in what I wanted to say, and if I couldn't find an alternative in time, I would be stuck. This probably had the effect of making me more eloquent than I otherwise would have been, but it certainly made me very shy.
I got a job with a firm of lawyers when I left school, and had to draft documents for approval.Once or twice a week, I had to read out whatever I had prepared to one of the senior guys at work. He never laughed at me or mimicked me or did anything to make me feel worse. He just didn't help either, and for some reason, I never took the option of missing difficult words out...he knew what they were, and I am sure it wouldn't have mattered if I had just skipped over them. I would stand there, almost exploding with the effort of getting the word out, while he sat calmly looking at me. Having got past that one, I knew that a couple of sentences further on, the same word would crop up again, and I would have the same problem.I dreaded it, and I hated myself for having the problem.
A number of things got me out of the habit of stammering. First, I knew it wasn't a physical thing. I could say some words sometimes, and sometimes not. I could sing anything, any word at all, as long as I put a tune to it, or a beat....like walking along and speaking in rhythm with my footsteps. And I never stammered when I was angry. So I knew it had to do with my head, my attitude, my self conciousness, and my self-confidence.
The difficult thing was speaking in front of another person, or worse, in front of a number of people. As soon as I became concious that I was speaking, I would get that feeling...almost like a ghost creeping up on me, and it would start.
I decided to confront my ghost. I know that sounds dramatic, but it was.
To recreate the feeling, I sat in my bedroom in front of the mirror with a tape recorder and the mike in my hand, and I made myself read aloud. No avoiding difficult words, or dipping into my dictionary brain for an alternative. It was absolutely horrendous. Even though there was nobody there to hear or see me, I had the same feelings of struggle, helplessness and anger that my stammering brought me when in the company of other people. The mirror and the machine were as real to me as another person being in the room, but I didn't have to live with the thought of what they thought about me afterwards.
I made myself do it night after night until I stopped stammering. That was it. Just confronting myself and forcing myself to realise that I was doing it to myself.
Also, around the time this was going on, I took a job with another firm in another town, and I think it helped having a clean slate, knowing that I could start from scratch as a non-stammerer.
I had a few relapses, but when I got stuck I would just stop and say "I lost my thread", or something like that, or drop something, or fall over. Anything to avoid letting them know that I stammered. Then when I met them again, they might think I was a dreamer, or clumsy, but I knew they weren't expecting a stammerer.
I would welcome your opinions on whether I should tell my new friend my story, or maybe refer him to this site.
I have found it very moving and uplifting reading the forums. A big well-done to whoever started it.