tragicbeauty
03-01-2009, 06:37 AM
Hi everyone, I'm Nicole but no one calls me Nicole, so call me Nicki :)
I'm not sure how long this is going to be. But I know myself oh too well - and I know that when I'm introducing myself, I take a while. So if you're expecting a short introduction....sorry to disappoint you.
Okay - so I'm 15 (16 on March 12th!) and in Grade 10. I'm too much of a nice person. Really, it's kinda ridiculous. Half of the time I'm super shy, and the other half I'm really loud. I love music, and singing and writing piano and basically anything to do with music in general. It's my personal, special form of communication, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I have one older sister, and a younger sister. And the sad truth is that it's not my favourite position to be the middle child. I'm most of the time silenced, and I always feel unheard. Kinda like I'm unspecial, like I don't matter....my stuttering clearly makes this even worse. My sisters and my mom and dad (my parents are divorced) don't really have patience for me, even though they don't show it, I know it's true. But I've created my own happiness, a place where I know that I can make my dreams come true, a place where I matter and I can make a difference. My dream is to be a musician/singer. Music is my form of communication. And if I can communicate with the entire world through lyrics, and music I would be the happiest person ever. No one really believes that I can accomplish this, but I keep my hope alive :) Honestly, I thrive on hope and inspiration. And those two things keep me going each day. Without it, I don't know how I would deal with my rather difficult life. I don't think that I have to explain here how much life is a struggle for me. Which is why I like that I'm now a part of this - there's a group of people that understand how it feels to stutter......and I don't have to kill myself trying to explain it. I'm a very strong person, and I guess that whatever has happened to me, and to my family in general has given me strong roots. "The stronger wind, the stronger trees" - and I really believe that. My family is very important to me, even though it is hard to communicate with them. It breaks my heart that its such a struggle to speak to my parents, sisters, grandparents, aunts,uncles and cousins, but its easier for me to speak to friends. But what can I do? You can't control the cards you are dealt, just how you play the hand. So, before I actually get into my stutter (I'm SOOOO sorry I just talk wayy too much) I just want to add that my hope, inspiration, faith and strength gets me through every single day. I can thank those things for me being here right now.
I'm not sure when my parents first noticed my stuttering, but I know, personally, that I've been dealing with it for 10 years - since Grade 1. I took speech therapy in grade 5 I believe, and I remember that it helped. For some reason, I stopped going. I'm not sure why. Unfortunetly, instead of growing out of my stutter, it got worse. It really got worse the summer before Grade 10. Like I mentioned before, I lead a life that consists of many problems in my family. This past summer was so difficult for me. And I KNOW that this is what caused my stuttering to get worse. Since Grade 10 started, everytime a teacher hands out an article or some sort of reading material, my blood pressure goes through the roof, and I have heart palpitations. In English class we do these worksheets where we have to correct the Grammar. When the teacher is going down the rows, and he comes to me, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Only one time have I said, "do I have to read today?". Somehow, it's just as hard to say I don't want to read. I hate to look weak, incapable in front of my friends and teacher. I'm not gonna lie, I have my moments when I tell myself that I can't do this anymore. And my entire grade 9 year was full of this. I was depressed and I didn't want to admit it. I didn't get help from anyone. Not from my family, and not from a therapist. I got through this myself. So I figure that if I got through that, and everything else, there's nothing stopping me from conquering anything else that comes my way. However, I think a lot of us have a few people that have had a huge affect on our lives, and have helped us through tough times. I have a few people who have helped me in this way, and I am BEYOND thankful. I have to thank my stutter for the positive things that are part of my personality. I think that Joe Biden put it nicely: "It’s a funny thing to say, but even if I could, I wouldn’t wish away the darkest days of the stutter. That impedimenta ended up being a godsend for me. Carrying it strengthened me and, I hoped, made me a better person. And the very things it taught me turned out to be invaluable lessons for my life as well as my chosen career." I'm not HAPPY that I deal with this every single day, but it's the reason for why I am such a kind, caring, loving, patient, sensitive person. And I don't mean to sound conceited, but it's true. I am strengthened because of it. However, my stutter has also made me shy, scared/afraid, and I have allowed it to hold me back from doing things that I would otherwise do if I didn't stutter.
So yea. I'm so sorry this post is so long, and if you are a patient person, please try to keep up with me with this.
I'm so happy that I'm part of this, where someone can understand me.
~ Nicki
I'm not sure how long this is going to be. But I know myself oh too well - and I know that when I'm introducing myself, I take a while. So if you're expecting a short introduction....sorry to disappoint you.
Okay - so I'm 15 (16 on March 12th!) and in Grade 10. I'm too much of a nice person. Really, it's kinda ridiculous. Half of the time I'm super shy, and the other half I'm really loud. I love music, and singing and writing piano and basically anything to do with music in general. It's my personal, special form of communication, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I have one older sister, and a younger sister. And the sad truth is that it's not my favourite position to be the middle child. I'm most of the time silenced, and I always feel unheard. Kinda like I'm unspecial, like I don't matter....my stuttering clearly makes this even worse. My sisters and my mom and dad (my parents are divorced) don't really have patience for me, even though they don't show it, I know it's true. But I've created my own happiness, a place where I know that I can make my dreams come true, a place where I matter and I can make a difference. My dream is to be a musician/singer. Music is my form of communication. And if I can communicate with the entire world through lyrics, and music I would be the happiest person ever. No one really believes that I can accomplish this, but I keep my hope alive :) Honestly, I thrive on hope and inspiration. And those two things keep me going each day. Without it, I don't know how I would deal with my rather difficult life. I don't think that I have to explain here how much life is a struggle for me. Which is why I like that I'm now a part of this - there's a group of people that understand how it feels to stutter......and I don't have to kill myself trying to explain it. I'm a very strong person, and I guess that whatever has happened to me, and to my family in general has given me strong roots. "The stronger wind, the stronger trees" - and I really believe that. My family is very important to me, even though it is hard to communicate with them. It breaks my heart that its such a struggle to speak to my parents, sisters, grandparents, aunts,uncles and cousins, but its easier for me to speak to friends. But what can I do? You can't control the cards you are dealt, just how you play the hand. So, before I actually get into my stutter (I'm SOOOO sorry I just talk wayy too much) I just want to add that my hope, inspiration, faith and strength gets me through every single day. I can thank those things for me being here right now.
I'm not sure when my parents first noticed my stuttering, but I know, personally, that I've been dealing with it for 10 years - since Grade 1. I took speech therapy in grade 5 I believe, and I remember that it helped. For some reason, I stopped going. I'm not sure why. Unfortunetly, instead of growing out of my stutter, it got worse. It really got worse the summer before Grade 10. Like I mentioned before, I lead a life that consists of many problems in my family. This past summer was so difficult for me. And I KNOW that this is what caused my stuttering to get worse. Since Grade 10 started, everytime a teacher hands out an article or some sort of reading material, my blood pressure goes through the roof, and I have heart palpitations. In English class we do these worksheets where we have to correct the Grammar. When the teacher is going down the rows, and he comes to me, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Only one time have I said, "do I have to read today?". Somehow, it's just as hard to say I don't want to read. I hate to look weak, incapable in front of my friends and teacher. I'm not gonna lie, I have my moments when I tell myself that I can't do this anymore. And my entire grade 9 year was full of this. I was depressed and I didn't want to admit it. I didn't get help from anyone. Not from my family, and not from a therapist. I got through this myself. So I figure that if I got through that, and everything else, there's nothing stopping me from conquering anything else that comes my way. However, I think a lot of us have a few people that have had a huge affect on our lives, and have helped us through tough times. I have a few people who have helped me in this way, and I am BEYOND thankful. I have to thank my stutter for the positive things that are part of my personality. I think that Joe Biden put it nicely: "It’s a funny thing to say, but even if I could, I wouldn’t wish away the darkest days of the stutter. That impedimenta ended up being a godsend for me. Carrying it strengthened me and, I hoped, made me a better person. And the very things it taught me turned out to be invaluable lessons for my life as well as my chosen career." I'm not HAPPY that I deal with this every single day, but it's the reason for why I am such a kind, caring, loving, patient, sensitive person. And I don't mean to sound conceited, but it's true. I am strengthened because of it. However, my stutter has also made me shy, scared/afraid, and I have allowed it to hold me back from doing things that I would otherwise do if I didn't stutter.
So yea. I'm so sorry this post is so long, and if you are a patient person, please try to keep up with me with this.
I'm so happy that I'm part of this, where someone can understand me.
~ Nicki