One step forward, two steps back

[JohanZombie]

So, I suppose this is another venting thread.

I can feel that I'm making developments in periods of my life, but for some reason I tend to go back from where I started after a while.

For a couple of months ago I read som really nice articles about stuttering and mental habits etc. About how our behavious reflects on how we think. I started to try to break the stuttering way of thinking and letting unwanted thoughts just go away and not climb on to them. It worked pretty good actually, and I could even see a progress pretty fast. I started to feel comfortable speaking in more situations, and the speech just flowed out normally without stuttering more often. I felt pretty good at work and the socialising flowed better than usually.

So one guy from work is arranging a small trip over the weekend with people from work, and some other people. We are a pretty nice gang at work, even though I feel that I havn't connected with so many of them (I just work extra besides studies) so I saw this as a cool opportunity to show a little more of me that I have held back earlier because of fears of stuttering and stuff. I still had the fears of course, but I was having a really good spell for some weeks so It felt nice with this opportunity.

So, there is this woman on work who I have worked with earlier and who introduced me on this work we are working at now who started to convince me to follow on the trip. In my stuttering mind I cant understand why she is doing that, I mean, she must have sensed that I'm unsecure socially over the years we have known each other, but still she really wanted me to come. So I thought I cant be the boring one who dosn't follow, So I followed. I can add that there are some feelings involved with this woman. We really like each other and flirt, and have kissed one time. The problem is that she is bounded and thats not good at all I know but I just happend. When its just the two of us, we are always having a great time. I guess I can say I really like this woman.

So, the result of the whole trip is that I've come home feeling worse than ever. I got very stressed out on the trip, and the negative thoughts really hunted me down. I couldn't get in the moment at all. I know that it is the fear that kicks in. At work I have this comfortability, that I can always escape to work buisness if socialising gets to anxious. But on this trip there were no escaping. I dont stuttered much, but I was silent and looked uncomfortable alot.

It feels that I have let down my friend (the woman I told about), by not contribuating with a good atmosphere. I feel pretty much shame, not being able to laugh and have a good time with her and in the present of the others. I feel very pathetic right now, and my minds is dwelling on what she (and some other coworkers) really think of me.

This is so disturbing because I know that if the thoughts of stuttering and all the fear and tension weren't there. This could actually be a good trip. I dont expect myself to sit and tell long stories over the dinertable getting everybody super interested, thats not what Im talking about. I just wanna be able to relax, and be spontenous with the people I like. I have been touching that feeling more and more lately, but after this weekend the cardhouse just cracked down on my and my self-esteem. I dont know how to behave when I get to work the next time and we are supposed to talk and laugh about this trip. I dont think I will dare look her in the eyes.

[GoodGuy]

Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again.

Sorry for the oh-so-cliché statement, but that's the kind of thing you need to hear right now. You vented here because you needed someone to help you in your time of need. That's what everyone does here, we all need help. What you've gotta do is live on with your life, and think of that trip as a battle scar. Think just how courageous you'd be if you could actually do that. Move past your social inadequacies and try to become the person you've always wanted to be. But to do that, you must fail. You must fail a few times to learn to pick yourself up again.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.

[takinyede]

Take heart it happens. I am have been feeling good about myself lately after pretty much not being able to talk and interact much for close to year. Today went to am interview and was totally shewed on because some words just wouln't come out as as a result I became really anxious and started making no sense. First thing I did when I got home is make myself a nice icecream. I will never accept not trying.

[peebee]

So, there is this woman on work who I have worked with earlier and who introduced me on this work we are working at now who started to convince me to follow on the trip.

That is totally a tongue twister... But honestly, this happens to me too. I feel a lot more comfortable socializing in more public places like school or a library because you can always fall back on something else. The dinner table is one of the most awkward places for me... at least at a bar theres a TV. I hate to say it but if people are having a good time telling stories and chatting it up, to me there's nothing in this world more embarrassing then trying to tell a funny story and ending up stuttering and going on long blocks. Even if they're all your friends or family, its just a total moodkill and you can see the cringe on their faces, even though they'd never say anything bad to you.

[JohanZombie]

That is totally a tongue twister... But honestly, this happens to me too. I feel a lot more comfortable socializing in more public places like school or a library because you can always fall back on something else. The dinner table is one of the most awkward places for me... at least at a bar theres a TV. I hate to say it but if people are having a good time telling stories and chatting it up, to me there's nothing in this world more embarrassing then trying to tell a funny story and ending up stuttering and going on long blocks. Even if they're all your friends or family, its just a total moodkill and you can see the cringe on their faces, even though they'd never say anything bad to you.

True. Well If we really dont feel for dinners with alot of people we really dont know etc. we do nothing wrong in avoiding them.

I dont understand why I can speak totally fluent with my therapist and my mother and not at the dinnertable with co-workers and friends. Well I do understand, because I dont feel fear and stress while talking to my mother and my therapist but still. There must be away to feel the same calmness.

[peapod]

Hi Johan,
first of all, I would say that you took part in this social activity and now you feel stupid and ashamed, worse than if you had just stayed at home - but you (and we all) have to do these things, and if we have to do it 50 times before we get the hang of it and make it a reasonable success, well, there's no shortcut to attempt number 50, we all have to fail on the first 49 attempts to reach the 50th one.

So, it's fine to feel a bit down about it, but you still have to pick yourself up after a while and keep on going.

Secondly, I've seen your posts from a fews years back up until now, it seems you're hugely sensitive that people don't know that you stammer - for other stammerers it is part of the problem, but for you it seems huge. Do any of your friends or acquaintances know that you stammer, and if so, are things different with them than with everyone else?

And, do you think you would be able to explain to this one girl about your stammer and how it's affecting you?

andrew.

[JohanZombie]

Hi peapod
Very good point, I think you're right about that.

I guess you're right about my sensitivity about not wanting people to know I stutter. But you know then again, if I dont stutter I dont stutter and there's nothing to tell, and if I stutter I stutter and there's nothing to tell again. Maybe it comes from my look at the whole thing. I see blocking as a sign of that something is wrong, its like "Ok, I'm not comfortable here. Something is bugging me". I dont see it as a condition. So I dont see it as a secret that I have that I react to my subconscious fears and stress with blocking when I speech, do you know what I mean?

If I would bring this issue up to someone I like and trust and feel comfortable with I would say it like I just said "I get pretty anxious and stressed out in certain (many) situations and when I do I get introverted and pretty silent" because thats really how I feel about it. The blocking behaviour (stuttering) is just another symptom.

So telling for example this girl I am talking about all this feels pretty akward and wrong. I mean she has already noticed that im insecure sometimes and she have already heard me talk fluent alot and for sure blocked sometimes too. So I guess she knows that part of me. To talk about it would just let her know that I'm really bugged of this and that would give me another deamon in my head while socalizing with here and others, I guess It would make me think sometimes "Ah, now she nows what im going through, I shouln't have told" etc. I think some things are better untold. Does that make any sense at all?

[Thomkatt]

I have never had anyone react negatively to me telling them that I stutter but I certainly have have negative reactions to the actual act of stuttering. The only time I am a little weary to tell is job interviews. I mean isn't communication skills the main thing employers are looking for? I've heard a lot of people on this sight say they acknowledge stuttering on interviews but doesn't this discount you? I can pretty much hide it so......Anyway if this person your interested in works with you I guess it's a personal decision for you to tell her you stutter or not. I would imagine that people knowing you stutter might have an affect on your career if you arn't ready to deal with people knowing.

[peapod]

hi Johan,
if I dont stutter I dont stutter and there's nothing to tell, and if I stutter I stutter and there's nothing to tell again.

No, i don't agree, because what is happening is that you are in anguish inside, and this is not something that a non-stutterer would know about.

The blocking behaviour (stuttering) is just another symptom.

The (fear of) stuttering is not just the symptom, it is also the cause, it is the difference between you being an introvert and you feeling terrible within yourself.

So I guess she knows that part of me.

She won't know how badly it affects you (unless she reads a forum like this one).

To talk about it would just let her know that I'm really bugged of this and that would give me another deamon in my head while socalizing with here and others, I guess It would make me think sometimes "Ah, now she nows what im going through, I shouln't have told" etc. I think some things are better untold.

If she's a kind (or even just normal/decent) person, she wouldn't use the knowledge against you; what could she do with that knowledge anyway?

Even if you friend has seen you block before, do you really think she can make the jump to imagining the stress and tears it has brought you to?

I still think you should try sharing your secret with one RealLife person and see if it helps. It doesnt have to be this girl, maybe it could even be someone that you don't normally socialise with but whose opinion and character you respect. It could be like when you unburden yourself on this forum but even better.

I'm curious, have you met other stammerers (through therapy or something)?

[JohanZombie]

hi Johan,


No, i don't agree, because what is happening is that you are in anguish inside, and this is not something that a non-stutterer would know about.



The (fear of) stuttering is not just the symptom, it is also the cause, it is the difference between you being an introvert and you feeling terrible within yourself.



She won't know how badly it affects you (unless she reads a forum like this one).



If she's a kind (or even just normal/decent) person, she wouldn't use the knowledge against you; what could she do with that knowledge anyway?

Even if you friend has seen you block before, do you really think she can make the jump to imagining the stress and tears it has brought you to?

I still think you should try sharing your secret with one RealLife person and see if it helps. It doesnt have to be this girl, maybe it could even be someone that you don't normally socialise with but whose opinion and character you respect. It could be like when you unburden yourself on this forum but even better.

I'm curious, have you met other stammerers (through therapy or something)?

Hi again andrew,

About telling her, or somebody else in the future about this fears and anxiety I sometimes feel in social situations. I get your point, but I still don't really see the benefits of it. I think that everybody have their demons. I even think alot of people at work, school etc have social demons too. As I see it, you use the tools you have and try to make the best of the situations you get in.

Secondly, I dont think she would use anything I told her against me. But still, if I told her what I felt, she would have that in her mind when I was socialising with her and others and with she knowing how I felt on the inside I would feel even more stressed out. I mean we all play the social game, and not many people know what the people being part of it truely feels on the inside. On work etc we all (at least almost everybody) are just trying to make a decent atmosphere socialising. We are all just part of a game really. I think that I, and maybe many other PWS, think that everybody else's socialising are floating on so good and perfect, but thats really not the way it is. Sometimes yes, but not all the time. And it does float on good for us sometimes too dosn't it?

Yesterday I was going to work for the first time since the trip and I was dreading it pretty much because both her and a couple of other very social people were working. But the evening turned out really good after all anyway. I even shared a few spontenous stories without stuttering, and the socialising just went through without any negativity at all. It just floated as I guess it would for any non-PWS with his/her own other demons.

The thing I feel is that I dont think I wanna open up and share my inner, biggest demons just like that, because you never know if you would regret it later. Maybe if I would've told her when I felt as bad as after the trip, last night wouln't have turned out so "good" (normal) as it did?

Have you shared your feelings about the stuttering to anybody close, if yes how did that make you feel afterwards?

Yes, I've met other PWS at a group therepy session. I don't really know why but I never went back to it. Maybe because we all have different views on stuttering, and that I'm so sure on mine I rather work with it on my own.

[9802008]

Hey Johan, I feel your pain - been in similar situations before and when a girl is involved it just becomes worse. That said I strongly recommend that you talk to her about your speech, be open with her and let her know some of your feelings and how you feel that you let her down in the social situation. Its seems that she likes you and being open and honest with her is going to strengthen your relationship. She probably has noticed that you battle to speak and she probably wants to talk to you about it.

I've told a few ladies about my speech problem and each time they have been considerate and understanding, and its taken a huge weight off my back. All the best dude!

[peapod]

Hi Johan,

Have you shared your feelings about the stuttering to anybody close, if yes how did that make you feel afterwards?

For most of us here, we cannot hide our stutter, so lots of people already know we stutter and we do not have that pressure of wanting to hide our stutter while simultaneously wanting to participate in the easy chatter that everyone around is is having.

We all understand what you want, since it seems common that if we meet someone new, and judge that we won't see them again, we may choose to be silent instead of stammer in front of them, so, yes, we are naturally reluctant to 'reveal' our stammer if we don't have to. But, it is also a common occurance for us to stammer in front of friends or colleagues who already know that we stammer, and then there is fear of revealing a terrible, hidden secret in this situation - and I think this is what you are missing.

The thing I feel is that I dont think I wanna open up and share my inner, biggest demons just like that, because you never know if you would regret it later.

I think you have great fear about people discovering your stammer, and I think it is damaging you a lot. I think if you continue to keep it a secret, you will never free yourself from the damage it is causing in your life. I am suggesting you reveal it to one or two people and see if it makes a difference - you don't have to tell the whole world about it, just try it on a few to test things out.

For almost every other person I read about on here, they hate it when they stammer in front of strangers and get looks of bewilderment or get ignored, or when they stammer in front of bullies at school, or for a job interview or on the phone. However, with close friends, they can be normal, and they don't care if they stammer or not - this is what you don't have.