ForeverYoung
08-28-2009, 02:17 AM
When you stutter, it's like being forced to be something you aren't. You can come off as nervous, dodgy, and just weird on a normal day because of the habits you've picked up or because you're working through a stutter.
So after my math class, I went up to a girl to ask her if I could borrow the CD to copy for the software. Now keep in mind this was actually a major improvement for me, but really looking back I wasn't that nervous and it's really not a big deal. People approach girls all the time, right?
Well anyway, we sit down in the lounge downstairs on a couch. She pulls out her Mac and I my Dell. Anyway everything goes fine, I help her with hers, though for some ing reason the software doesn't install (It had like, no install option wtf [i just looked it up. the program literally has no ing installer. the FAQ says just drag and drop the whole CD. how is that?]). She gives me her number so we can meet tomorrow at 2 since I may have to copy the whole CD since I had a class soon.
But know what ing ed? It wasn't me talking to her. The stuttering kills everything. You can't be witty, or cute or interesting. I know by the end of it she either thought I was weird or so ing dorky and nervous. For example, her phone rang. It sounded like some guy, but she told him she was doing something and she'll call back. Under her breath, after hanging up, she was like "*sigh* So annoying..." I could have said something there. "Boyfriend?" See, not hard! but it was. I blocked, and by the time I felt like regrouping it was 3 or 4 seconds later, too long for it to not be awkward.
There where several minutes of silence throughout the event. I tried, of course. But the best I could do was maybe shoot off an question that she answered. She sounded up for it though, emphasizing she was worried about the course and was going to sign up for tutoring. I wanted to say some things. I had several things in mind. "Oh, you're a freshman. You looked older. How was that welcome week thing?", "lol yeah, it seems like you're not in college unless you have a macbook." And of course the simple things like "Where are you from?", "Do you like it so far?" They couldn't come out. Not without something that, I think, would make me look like less of a man. It's not that I'm weird or a neckbeard or anything, I think I'm pretty normal. I just stutter, and it makes normal, harmless conversation almost impossible.
So, I'm not writing this because I mess up or failed anything. In fact, I think I did fine. I didn't scare her away or anything. I did kinda rush the closing, because I think my brain was overloading from actually being forced to hold a prolonged conversation with a girl. But you know, I got her number, I'm going to try to meet up again tomorrow. And maybe try a little harder just for a chance to be able to talk like 99% of the population.
No, I felt like writing this because it revealed what kind of uphill battle I have. It feels like I will never be normal. So many other people in my social position (or lack of), don't know how good they have it. They don't stutter. I have no sympathy for losers or nerds or neckbeards, they are fully capable of changing. I mean, I wasn't even nervous or sweating. It was just a chill convo with a girl! That's all. Hell, we both had a reason to be there too so it wasn't like any of us where uncomfortable. But I still felt lesser, being totally unable to speak what my mind wanted to say. I totally think I am a normal guy, mentally capable of having a good conversation, and maybe even witty once in a while, but I don't know if I'll ever achieve that.
If you've actually read this far, thank you. That's enough for me. If we meet tomorrow, I may actually have time to do better since it looked like the copying will take 20-30 minutes (don't know why, the CD was only 580MBs). And really, I'm not worried. I'm past that. but I still am wondering. How bad will my stutter decide to be tomorrow. How many things will I be able to say that I want to? Can I make her laugh, like I think I'd be able to? Would I be able to hold a good conversation, like I know I could?
So after my math class, I went up to a girl to ask her if I could borrow the CD to copy for the software. Now keep in mind this was actually a major improvement for me, but really looking back I wasn't that nervous and it's really not a big deal. People approach girls all the time, right?
Well anyway, we sit down in the lounge downstairs on a couch. She pulls out her Mac and I my Dell. Anyway everything goes fine, I help her with hers, though for some ing reason the software doesn't install (It had like, no install option wtf [i just looked it up. the program literally has no ing installer. the FAQ says just drag and drop the whole CD. how is that?]). She gives me her number so we can meet tomorrow at 2 since I may have to copy the whole CD since I had a class soon.
But know what ing ed? It wasn't me talking to her. The stuttering kills everything. You can't be witty, or cute or interesting. I know by the end of it she either thought I was weird or so ing dorky and nervous. For example, her phone rang. It sounded like some guy, but she told him she was doing something and she'll call back. Under her breath, after hanging up, she was like "*sigh* So annoying..." I could have said something there. "Boyfriend?" See, not hard! but it was. I blocked, and by the time I felt like regrouping it was 3 or 4 seconds later, too long for it to not be awkward.
There where several minutes of silence throughout the event. I tried, of course. But the best I could do was maybe shoot off an question that she answered. She sounded up for it though, emphasizing she was worried about the course and was going to sign up for tutoring. I wanted to say some things. I had several things in mind. "Oh, you're a freshman. You looked older. How was that welcome week thing?", "lol yeah, it seems like you're not in college unless you have a macbook." And of course the simple things like "Where are you from?", "Do you like it so far?" They couldn't come out. Not without something that, I think, would make me look like less of a man. It's not that I'm weird or a neckbeard or anything, I think I'm pretty normal. I just stutter, and it makes normal, harmless conversation almost impossible.
So, I'm not writing this because I mess up or failed anything. In fact, I think I did fine. I didn't scare her away or anything. I did kinda rush the closing, because I think my brain was overloading from actually being forced to hold a prolonged conversation with a girl. But you know, I got her number, I'm going to try to meet up again tomorrow. And maybe try a little harder just for a chance to be able to talk like 99% of the population.
No, I felt like writing this because it revealed what kind of uphill battle I have. It feels like I will never be normal. So many other people in my social position (or lack of), don't know how good they have it. They don't stutter. I have no sympathy for losers or nerds or neckbeards, they are fully capable of changing. I mean, I wasn't even nervous or sweating. It was just a chill convo with a girl! That's all. Hell, we both had a reason to be there too so it wasn't like any of us where uncomfortable. But I still felt lesser, being totally unable to speak what my mind wanted to say. I totally think I am a normal guy, mentally capable of having a good conversation, and maybe even witty once in a while, but I don't know if I'll ever achieve that.
If you've actually read this far, thank you. That's enough for me. If we meet tomorrow, I may actually have time to do better since it looked like the copying will take 20-30 minutes (don't know why, the CD was only 580MBs). And really, I'm not worried. I'm past that. but I still am wondering. How bad will my stutter decide to be tomorrow. How many things will I be able to say that I want to? Can I make her laugh, like I think I'd be able to? Would I be able to hold a good conversation, like I know I could?