Projecting confidence

[mike2009]

I have a severe stutter, and I've been having monumental problems with dating. As in, no one wants to date me. I get a few first dates, never a second. I think that many people, when they encounter someone with a severe stutter, immediately think that the person lacks self-confidence. As we all know, lack of self-confidence comes off like a stench and is an immediate turnoff to anyone worth dating.

I think a lot of my own speech behaviors reinforce this impression, though--I break off eye contact a lot, especially when I block, I have no assertiveness because I'm hugely self-conscious about my stuttering, and so forth. To a certain extent, there's no getting around this, as my stutter isn't going to vanish. But I think there are ways at least to project more self-confidence. Any suggestions???

[Rich]

Any suggestions???

Here is my advice:

1) Remember that dating is stressful even for non-stutterers. Try to relax and have fun. Nervousness is contagious and can drive people away more than stuttering does. When you are on a first date don’t worry about if there will be a second date.

2) Try to do first date activities that don’t require a lot of talking (go to a movie). And let the other person talk more. People (especially women) like to talk about themselves. So let them talk. Ask them about themselves and ask lots of follow up questions. When they are talking establish eye contact with them.

3) Definitely talk about your stuttering with them. It will diffuse the situation and make you seem human. Bring up the fact that it makes dating challenging. I always seem to stutter less after I talk about my stuttering with people. After you talk about it you will feel like a weight is lifted off your back.

[amey]

I have a severe stutter, and I've been having monumental problems with dating. As in, no one wants to date me. I get a few first dates, never a second. I think that many people, when they encounter someone with a severe stutter, immediately think that the person lacks self-confidence. As we all know, lack of self-confidence comes off like a stench and is an immediate turnoff to anyone worth dating.

I think a lot of my own speech behaviors reinforce this impression, though--I break off eye contact a lot, especially when I block, I have no assertiveness because I'm hugely self-conscious about my stuttering, and so forth. To a certain extent, there's no getting around this, as my stutter isn't going to vanish. But I think there are ways at least to project more self-confidence. Any suggestions???

Keep eye contact the best you can and speak your mind no matter how much you stutter. that IS confidence! go get it!!!!

[JOSH T]

Here is my advice:

2) Try to do first date activities that don’t require a lot of talking (go to a movie). And let the other person talk more. People (especially women) like to talk about themselves. So let them talk. Ask them about themselves and ask lots of follow up questions. When they are talking establish eye contact with them.


Yea go out someplace where you don't have alot of pressure to talk. A restaurant probably is not a good place for a stutterer to have a 1st date, especially if the girl doesn't really know how bad you stutter.

btw: Mike where in DC do you live?

[pgaprospect22]

what works for me is to be WAY way over confident...for some reason when this happens it takes the pressure off of me...Its like 1st day of class, if u constantly are causally out going with poeple around you and stuff...people will notice you talking and this takes a ton of pressure off of you if u want to raise your hand to ask a question or seomthing. but if you dont say a word for the 1st 2 months of class, you know that theres going to be an enormous amount of pressure on you if you raise your hand to ask a question, becuase you know everyones going to be like "oh the quite kid finally talks" or everyones going to be looking at you because its something/one they havent heard from before....idk kind of hard to explain, but it works for me i guess...

[DFedison]

pgaprospect, it's funny, because I know exactly what you mean.