Dinasaur
05-30-2010, 01:23 AM
Hey guys,
So I haven’t really been posting too much in the past few months, but as a new situation arose in my life, I feel like it would only be right to ask you guys for some advice, since you’ll probably understand my issue better than others.
Let me summarize my stuttering concern, and then camp.
So basically, last year I went to this sleepaway camp, practically on my own. My speech was not good at all at that point last year and upon arriving at camp, I decided that if people knew I stuttered, they wouldn’t like me, and I would be living with these strangers for 2 weeks so I couldn’t have them dislike me. What did I do? Not talk. Avoid talking to ANYONE unless completely necessary, eventually being convinced that I really cannot speak at all, and that my fluency was beyond bad.
When you avoid like that, things will only get worse, but I didn’t know that at the time. I had the most horrible time at camp because I was a complete loner and barely talked to anyone. I practically destroyed my self image, and camp only helped. I hope that things would get better when I returned to school, but my paranoia only got worse.
At some point I decided that I couldn’t keep this up anymore, and that I didn’t give a bullcrap about my stuttering. So I just started stuttering in front of all my friends, and practically everyone. When I stopped avoiding, my stuttering didn’t really decrease, but I stopped worrying, and it didn’t affect me as much at all.
By second semester though, I had regained my previously lost confidence in speaking fluently, and got so fluent I was able to hid my stuttering pretty well in my new classes. Still “not caring”, but at the same time wanting to come off as “normal”, not a person who stutters. Which I regret very much right now.
I didn’t know, but by being able to speak fluently and subconsciously hiding my stutter, I was avoiding, once again. Eventually my fear on certain sounds built up again, and right now, my stuttering is practically as bad as it was at the beginning of the year, just minus most of my secondary behaviors.
And here’s where the camp issue comes in. one of my best friends showed interest in signing up for the camp that I went to last year, and I thought that maybe I could go back to this camp again…just because she’d be there with me. She’s a grade younger than I am, and I thought that she’d be ok with being in the grade older cabin, but I guess not? Because I asked her about it about a month ago and she “realized” that she was afraid of older kids and doesn’t want to be in the older cabin. And I can’t switch into the younger cabin to be with her because people know me at this camp.
She was the only reason I had agreed to go because I knew that even if no one else understood my stuttering in my cabin/camp she would and I feel soo comfortable around her when there’s people around that we don’t know.
You know what I mean? How when you need to order food or talk to people that you don’t know, and you’re friends are with you, it’s not as scary? Because even if you do stutter, your friends will back you up by showing the other people that they don’t think it’s a big deal, so why should everyone else?
So as you can see, this is a difficult situation. I’m again self conscious about my stuttering, again has gotten worse, and now, I know that my close friend won’t be in the same cabin as me. And the girl that will be in my cabin who I know, I’m not nearly as comfortable around. However, she did say that if I don’t go to camp she won’t either…but I’m not sure how much I should count on that as a promise that she won’t ditch me there.
I told my speech therapist in my group about it, and she instantly said “If you want it to stop getting worse, stop avoiding”. It makes perfect sense doesn’t it? The vicious cycle. The more you avoid it, the worse it will get. Once you stop avoiding it and desensitize your paranoid head, you will stop caring, and your stuttering will stop bothering you, withering away.
Sounds easy? Yeah. But it isn’t when I know that the only way I can decrease the tension is get ONTO the sound instead of blocking. I have a lot of silent blocks, and lately, because of all my tension, they’ve gotten pretty long. My therapist told me that I need to get onto the sound, no matter how long it takes to get the word out. As an example, instead of saying “---------mouth”, I’d say “mmmmmouth” but for me at the moment it takes so long it’d be something like, “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmouth”. I NEED to practice, but it's a little hard to stay patient with myself and not worry about the other person starting to feel uncomfortable. Because half the time I get so uncomfortable I just end up pulling off of the sound and then blocking until the word comes out because staying on the sound is so awkward.
Lastly, and my main problem is, I need to decide by June 1st if I am going to this camp or not, because if my mom withdraws after that, she won’t get any money back. So do you guys have any advice on the whole summer camp thing? Do you think I’ll be able to rebuild my confidence/fluency by late July? Any advice on being patient with these practicing techniques? And any personal camp experiences that have turned out positive/negative for you? I really need some input!!!!
Thanks a bunch!
So I haven’t really been posting too much in the past few months, but as a new situation arose in my life, I feel like it would only be right to ask you guys for some advice, since you’ll probably understand my issue better than others.
Let me summarize my stuttering concern, and then camp.
So basically, last year I went to this sleepaway camp, practically on my own. My speech was not good at all at that point last year and upon arriving at camp, I decided that if people knew I stuttered, they wouldn’t like me, and I would be living with these strangers for 2 weeks so I couldn’t have them dislike me. What did I do? Not talk. Avoid talking to ANYONE unless completely necessary, eventually being convinced that I really cannot speak at all, and that my fluency was beyond bad.
When you avoid like that, things will only get worse, but I didn’t know that at the time. I had the most horrible time at camp because I was a complete loner and barely talked to anyone. I practically destroyed my self image, and camp only helped. I hope that things would get better when I returned to school, but my paranoia only got worse.
At some point I decided that I couldn’t keep this up anymore, and that I didn’t give a bullcrap about my stuttering. So I just started stuttering in front of all my friends, and practically everyone. When I stopped avoiding, my stuttering didn’t really decrease, but I stopped worrying, and it didn’t affect me as much at all.
By second semester though, I had regained my previously lost confidence in speaking fluently, and got so fluent I was able to hid my stuttering pretty well in my new classes. Still “not caring”, but at the same time wanting to come off as “normal”, not a person who stutters. Which I regret very much right now.
I didn’t know, but by being able to speak fluently and subconsciously hiding my stutter, I was avoiding, once again. Eventually my fear on certain sounds built up again, and right now, my stuttering is practically as bad as it was at the beginning of the year, just minus most of my secondary behaviors.
And here’s where the camp issue comes in. one of my best friends showed interest in signing up for the camp that I went to last year, and I thought that maybe I could go back to this camp again…just because she’d be there with me. She’s a grade younger than I am, and I thought that she’d be ok with being in the grade older cabin, but I guess not? Because I asked her about it about a month ago and she “realized” that she was afraid of older kids and doesn’t want to be in the older cabin. And I can’t switch into the younger cabin to be with her because people know me at this camp.
She was the only reason I had agreed to go because I knew that even if no one else understood my stuttering in my cabin/camp she would and I feel soo comfortable around her when there’s people around that we don’t know.
You know what I mean? How when you need to order food or talk to people that you don’t know, and you’re friends are with you, it’s not as scary? Because even if you do stutter, your friends will back you up by showing the other people that they don’t think it’s a big deal, so why should everyone else?
So as you can see, this is a difficult situation. I’m again self conscious about my stuttering, again has gotten worse, and now, I know that my close friend won’t be in the same cabin as me. And the girl that will be in my cabin who I know, I’m not nearly as comfortable around. However, she did say that if I don’t go to camp she won’t either…but I’m not sure how much I should count on that as a promise that she won’t ditch me there.
I told my speech therapist in my group about it, and she instantly said “If you want it to stop getting worse, stop avoiding”. It makes perfect sense doesn’t it? The vicious cycle. The more you avoid it, the worse it will get. Once you stop avoiding it and desensitize your paranoid head, you will stop caring, and your stuttering will stop bothering you, withering away.
Sounds easy? Yeah. But it isn’t when I know that the only way I can decrease the tension is get ONTO the sound instead of blocking. I have a lot of silent blocks, and lately, because of all my tension, they’ve gotten pretty long. My therapist told me that I need to get onto the sound, no matter how long it takes to get the word out. As an example, instead of saying “---------mouth”, I’d say “mmmmmouth” but for me at the moment it takes so long it’d be something like, “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmouth”. I NEED to practice, but it's a little hard to stay patient with myself and not worry about the other person starting to feel uncomfortable. Because half the time I get so uncomfortable I just end up pulling off of the sound and then blocking until the word comes out because staying on the sound is so awkward.
Lastly, and my main problem is, I need to decide by June 1st if I am going to this camp or not, because if my mom withdraws after that, she won’t get any money back. So do you guys have any advice on the whole summer camp thing? Do you think I’ll be able to rebuild my confidence/fluency by late July? Any advice on being patient with these practicing techniques? And any personal camp experiences that have turned out positive/negative for you? I really need some input!!!!
Thanks a bunch!