cccoffey
05-30-2010, 05:42 PM
Much like many of you, I've struggled with stuttering for as long as I remember. I've had feelings of shame, anger, confusion, inadequacy, etc. because of my stuttering. It seems that in my earlier years, it upset me that I was different from other kids, but I never let it dominate my thinking.
The summer after my freshman year of college, I worked in the Admissions Office for the summer, starting my overzealous and ambitious trend of being overly involved. That summer I had to interact with prospective students through letters and e-mails, which wasn't a problem at all for me, but the problem came when I had to make phone calls asking about the status of their applications, answering questions about the school/programs we offer, and the dreaded college tour. Now, being a student and knowing the history and facts about the school, I could give a perfect tour (arguably, better than my fluent counterparts) in my sleep but I stuttered and I let that "fault" dominate my personality and confidence in a negative way.
So, three years later and where have I been since this tumultuous summer? Well, after a couple of past girlfriends (for some reason I've been able to put aside my stuttering long enough for me to be witty enough to attract the attention of girls), it's been an up and down roller coaster. Arguably, I've pushed my girlfriends (and friends) away when I was the most vulnerable and needed them the most. I was just so ashamed of my stuttering that I didn't want to be around people for them to physically see me struggling and being not on the top of my game (in terms of fluency).
I've struggled with major bouts of depression and anxiety, sometimes a coupling of the two (which leads to periods of withdrawal, leading to not eating, inducing vomiting, self-hate, and lots of other stuff that I shouldn't be putting my body through), and manic depressive disorder. With this, during the times I'll feel confident (inspired by something random where I won't stutter), I'll suddenly feel super confident and this "streak" will last for about a week and a half/two weeks at a time. I know that at some point my infallibility will end, and my depression starts to slowly take over again.
This past year (Junior year) has been the toughest for me, because I tried to take on too much (18 credits, a sport, an internship, chairing a committee for student government, work study, and maintaining some semblance of a social life) and everything came full tilt, with me feeling a loss of control. I became withdrawn, self-conscious, skipped classes, wouldn't leave my room, ignored phone calls, etc. It was BAD.
Thankfully this summer has been super relaxed and I've been hanging out with friends and family. I hit a certain point where I just had to say I stutter, but so what?. Think about it, contrary to our belief, the world won't stop because we block, people aren't going to laugh in your face and point at you because of your stuttering (and if they do, A) they are assholes that are ill-informed of social etiquette, B) are compensating for something horribly awry in their lives, and/or C) are compensating for a tiny ). You can't let your perceptions of people's responses to your stuttering affect you and how you live your life.
I remember I went to see a speech therapist the summer of the Admissions job (I stopped because my insurance didn't cover it and out of pocket expenses were ridiculous for my parents to pay), but I remember he asked me if I accepted the fact that I stutter. And I damn near stopped in my tracks when said that, simply because I hadn't admit to myself that I stuttered and seriously struggled with this "thing".
I say all of that to say this, no matter what your religion (belief in God or not), but we were all made (through whatever process) with some type of fault or flaw. No one is perfect. Don't try to be. When you can honestly say to yourself "yeah, I stutter, but I've been able to accomplish ___________ (fill in the blank with everything awesome you've done), you're on the way to feeling way more confident about yourself.
Last week my adviser/work study boss/professor/amazing friend called to check and see if I could house sit for her for a couple of weeks. I noticeably struggled on a few words, (blocked on saying the 'L' of 'Lexi', my research partner's name, the 'R' in 'Roanoke', etc.). She responded "I can tell you're struggling a little bit more than usual, is everything okay?"
I responded, "Couldn't be better", because it was true. The difference between me now and me a couple of years ago -- I wouldn't have even picked up the phone to start the conversation.
The summer after my freshman year of college, I worked in the Admissions Office for the summer, starting my overzealous and ambitious trend of being overly involved. That summer I had to interact with prospective students through letters and e-mails, which wasn't a problem at all for me, but the problem came when I had to make phone calls asking about the status of their applications, answering questions about the school/programs we offer, and the dreaded college tour. Now, being a student and knowing the history and facts about the school, I could give a perfect tour (arguably, better than my fluent counterparts) in my sleep but I stuttered and I let that "fault" dominate my personality and confidence in a negative way.
So, three years later and where have I been since this tumultuous summer? Well, after a couple of past girlfriends (for some reason I've been able to put aside my stuttering long enough for me to be witty enough to attract the attention of girls), it's been an up and down roller coaster. Arguably, I've pushed my girlfriends (and friends) away when I was the most vulnerable and needed them the most. I was just so ashamed of my stuttering that I didn't want to be around people for them to physically see me struggling and being not on the top of my game (in terms of fluency).
I've struggled with major bouts of depression and anxiety, sometimes a coupling of the two (which leads to periods of withdrawal, leading to not eating, inducing vomiting, self-hate, and lots of other stuff that I shouldn't be putting my body through), and manic depressive disorder. With this, during the times I'll feel confident (inspired by something random where I won't stutter), I'll suddenly feel super confident and this "streak" will last for about a week and a half/two weeks at a time. I know that at some point my infallibility will end, and my depression starts to slowly take over again.
This past year (Junior year) has been the toughest for me, because I tried to take on too much (18 credits, a sport, an internship, chairing a committee for student government, work study, and maintaining some semblance of a social life) and everything came full tilt, with me feeling a loss of control. I became withdrawn, self-conscious, skipped classes, wouldn't leave my room, ignored phone calls, etc. It was BAD.
Thankfully this summer has been super relaxed and I've been hanging out with friends and family. I hit a certain point where I just had to say I stutter, but so what?. Think about it, contrary to our belief, the world won't stop because we block, people aren't going to laugh in your face and point at you because of your stuttering (and if they do, A) they are assholes that are ill-informed of social etiquette, B) are compensating for something horribly awry in their lives, and/or C) are compensating for a tiny ). You can't let your perceptions of people's responses to your stuttering affect you and how you live your life.
I remember I went to see a speech therapist the summer of the Admissions job (I stopped because my insurance didn't cover it and out of pocket expenses were ridiculous for my parents to pay), but I remember he asked me if I accepted the fact that I stutter. And I damn near stopped in my tracks when said that, simply because I hadn't admit to myself that I stuttered and seriously struggled with this "thing".
I say all of that to say this, no matter what your religion (belief in God or not), but we were all made (through whatever process) with some type of fault or flaw. No one is perfect. Don't try to be. When you can honestly say to yourself "yeah, I stutter, but I've been able to accomplish ___________ (fill in the blank with everything awesome you've done), you're on the way to feeling way more confident about yourself.
Last week my adviser/work study boss/professor/amazing friend called to check and see if I could house sit for her for a couple of weeks. I noticeably struggled on a few words, (blocked on saying the 'L' of 'Lexi', my research partner's name, the 'R' in 'Roanoke', etc.). She responded "I can tell you're struggling a little bit more than usual, is everything okay?"
I responded, "Couldn't be better", because it was true. The difference between me now and me a couple of years ago -- I wouldn't have even picked up the phone to start the conversation.