how to accept your stutter?

[Dinasaur]

Hey guys,
This is for any overt/ wanting to becoming overt stutterers.
Where should I/we start??

The toughest part for me is that I know *exactly* what I need to do, exactly how it will unfold, but for some reason I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Last year, my stuttering was terrible, I couldn’t say a sentence without stuttering a few times.
It was quite difficult/embarrassing for me. One day, I just decided that I can’t continue just…not talking, and said to myself that I don’t care what people think anymore. I noticed that when I didn’t pay as much attention to people’s reactions, they didn’t affect as much, even if they weren’t super positive. My fluency didn’t improve for a while but I became so much happier after I finally stopped caring.
Unfortunately, with time, my fluency got better because I didn’t care as much (sounds like a good thing right?) no. it wasn’t. why? Because as soon as my fluency improved, my old mindset came back. *maybe I can start avoiding people seeing that I stutter, since it’s not that bad anymore*.

I continued doing that up until the point I’m at now. Where I care again. And as a result, my stutter is worse again. I care about the faces people make when I stutter, I care about their general opinion about me changing BECAUSE I stutter and it takes so long for me to get out what I want to say. This really upsets me. To see how far I came, and how I seem to have lost all the progress.

My question to you guys is, how do I get back on track?
I really feel like accepting stuttering is the most important thing for all of us.
Speech easy and drugs are just things to detour stuttering and soften the fall.
The hardest part is stepping out of your comfort zone and just saying “yea, I stutter, so what?” and not let it control your actions. See, I know what I have to do, but I don’t know where to start! Because I’m really afraid of getting negative reactions again.
I’m thinking about going to summer camp this summer, and I want to stop caring about what the other kids think by that point.
My main question is, how did you all begin your journey to accepting your stuttering? Where can I start? Any people that are currently trying to accept their stuttering that want to share your stories?
What sort of mindset/ thoughts do you have going out for the first time showing your stuttering?

[amey]

You know, you are really insightful and strong. I wish I had the understanding that you do, at your age.-- Like you said, you know what you need to do and that is more than a lot of people have. You have experienced acceptance, to some degree, and you know what you need to avoid doing.

For me, I have to be willing to show my stuttering even when I could probably avoid having the person know I stutter. I can enjoy the fluent moments I have, but they cannot be used a deceptive devise. I am pretty sure you know what I mean.--

You need to muster up the courage and go do it. If that mean making phone calls, asking questions, anything to iniate a speaking situation. Tell the person you stutter and let them see it. OUCHIE!!! I know, but you will only benefit in the long run. This is how we come to accept the stuttering, we take the power away from it, by showing it.-- Even if you are faking the condifence, keep your head high, keep eye contact, and MAKE them watch you stutter. -- I wish I was there with you. We could take turns!--You can do this.

My advice would be to have a goal. Make a few speaking situations a day. This is LITERALLY going to knock the fear out of you! I am feeling for you, this is not an easy situation, but I have NO doubt that you can do this. The first few times will be the hardest and then it will become easier. You have a strength with in yourself that you are going to tap into and with that a new freedom. May sound dramatic, but it is TRUE.

Go get it, Dina! We are all here for you, pushing you along! love, amey

[amey]

One more thing. One of my favorite quotes : Courage is not the absence of fear...Courage is walking directly into the fear. wording may be messed up, but I love it and live it. --

[DFedison]

It's unreal how similar our situations are, Dinosaur. I've been working on doing the same thing (being more accepting and overt) for the past six months. Our stuttering similarities are uncanny . . . . :p

What I've been doing is taking it one situation at a time. When you start talking to someone, don't think as much about avoiding a certain sound or word. Try to just say whatever it is you think is going to cause you trouble. Sometimes you'll be fluent, other times you won't--and that's okay!

The mindset you've got to get yourself in is one of audacity--of brazenness, almost. Go into situations knowing that you're probably going to stutter at one point or another, but that that's alright and that most people will respect you for it. Easier said than done, I know, and probably better than most. I, too, dwell on people's reactions and all of the subtle expression they make. But I'm starting to realize: what's the point? Most of the time your assumptions about what they're thinking end up being off-base, and you end up bringing youself down for no good reason.

[jak]

I think we tend to sped alot of time trying to hide the fact we stutter ,and most people know anyway . This is not a easy thing to accept that you stutter.You just have to try to live your life the best you can and dont be hard on yourself when you do stutter,your mindset is life is very short and dont waste it being unhappy

[mariella]

Your words really moved me. I suffered like that too when I was younger and extremely sensitive. What I do now is relax and speak slowly pausing in between words......don't rush your words even non stutters slip up or are tongue tied. It's ok if you mess up just laugh a little and start over.
Haven't you noticed famous speakers on tv who hesitate when speaking as if searching for words in their minds before saying them out loud. Don't rush your words.

[Jp72394]

I'm on a journey towards acceptance right now, and I do think that you need to be strong, even though it is hard to ignore what other people think about you, since even non-stutterers watch and see what people think about them upon contact. I find the hardest thing is when you're on that journey, then someone says something hurtful and it causes you to break down. Even so, don't give up :)

[amey]

It's unreal how similar our situations are, Dinosaur. I've been working on doing the same thing (being more accepting and overt) for the past six months. Our stuttering similarities are uncanny . . . . :p

What I've been doing is taking it one situation at a time. When you start talking to someone, don't think as much about avoiding a certain sound or word. Try to just say whatever it is you think is going to cause you trouble. Sometimes you'll be fluent, other times you won't--and that's okay!

The mindset you've got to get yourself in is one of audacity--of brazenness, almost. Go into situations knowing that you're probably going to stutter at one point or another, but that that's alright and that most people will respect you for it. Easier said than done, I know, and probably better than most. I, too, dwell on people's reactions and all of the subtle expression they make. But I'm starting to realize: what's the point? Most of the time your assumptions about what they're thinking end up being off-base, and you end up bringing youself down for no good reason.

this is good, smart stuff!

[JOSH T]

I'm also trying to be more accepting of my stuttering. The one thing that I see as very important is eliminating all avoidance behavior. This is hard for me because stuttering is not easy when it comes to the physical nature of it.

Its hard to always choose stutter rather than to use non feared words to hide it. Some days you just don't feel like struggling though words and having to deal with the emotions that come with it. Its sort of like telling someone who uses a cane to take the stairs instead of the elevator, but to improve we must choose to stutter rather than take the easy route and avoid.

Also Dinasaur I see you live in DC, I live in Maryland so maybe we could be friends...lol

[flyingwriter]

I would rather die than accept my stutter. It has totally destroyed my life, and I'm completely sick of it. It makes me SICK!!!!!

[Dinasaur]

Thanks so much Amey!

Some great advice there =)
It's just...I don't know, I was thinking about it today. I (like most other stutterers), are just actors on a stage playing the role of who we're "supposed" to be in the play called Life. I realized that I've been "playing" this role as a non stutterer for most of my life. Not around my friends and family as much (I'm trying to avoid as little as possible around them since they already know I stutter), just around people that I don't know well.
It seems pretty logical to give off a person you don't know that you are, according to their standards, "normal". Just having some small talk where you can easy hide your stutter. I realize that it's wrong...but a big part of me doesn't want to do anything about it you know?
Do you think that's a step too far? Like, what should I do first? Just tell people that I stutter? That's fine. But then I feel like after I tell them they'll feel awkward and not know how to answer me.

Another thing, and this is worrying me above all other things. I'm pretty sure you read and commented on my post titled "summer camp", where I was trying to decide whether to go or not. I've made my choice, I'm going, but I'm scared out of my MIND. At first I realized that it wouldn't be as bad if I just didn't hide my stutter. But I just realized something. I went to this camp last year, and talked to *very* few people, and the others know who I am, but they don't actually *know* me. A lot of them are coming back. What should I do with them? I'd feel like we already knew each other when we don't...and on top of that they'll only find out now that I stutter? Do you see what I'm saying? How can I reintroduce myself to people that thought they knew who I was but don't actually know ME.

[Dinasaur]

Wow, thank you so much!!! That was just great advice!!! =D

alkdjfas do you think we could discuss this (Everything) somewhere? online I mean haha. because I feel like we could really help each other, and Im leaving for camp in 12 days, and I really need all of the advice I can get.

And I wish I could realize that people's reactions don't matter, but it's like, something that's engrained into my head that people automatically don't approve of me or think I"m weird once they see me stutter. I guess it's a mindset I'll just have to push myself into. But the thing with stuttering, and any psychological problem for that matter, is that you get to a point where you learn something, like how we both know that rerunning past situations in our head and overanalyzing people's reactions is pointless, how stuttering isnt making our lives are, we are. How we must avoid as little as possible in order to become confident in ourselves. Most importantly, how we need to accept it because it probably won't ever completely go away, and *this is just how we talk*.
Me, for example, I understand these ideas "conciously", I understand that I'm the only thing standing in my way. But it is yet to be tattooed into my subconcious. I think that when the ideas drift into your subconcious, that's when you ACTUALLY begin to believe everything that I just said in the last paragraph. YOu know? Isn't that weird? The difference between knowing and understanding?

[Dinasaur]

That's true. After trying to hide it because you're too afraid to deal with the consequences (many of which seem to be pretty inaccurate too), it makes it SO much harder to just push yourself to the front line, when all your life you've been hiding in the back.
I guess you just have to build up that coat of armour. Wow idk why I'm using battle terms but I feel like it's a good example. Is there anything in particular (a movitational phrase of some sort), that you keep in mind when you go into a speaking situation?

Wooo thats awesome! Where in Maryland?

[Dinasaur]

See, this is where you're wrong.
Your stuttering didn't do anything. YOU destroyed your life, and just put stuttering at fault. If you don't let your stutter control you, and take control of IT instead, your life will be soo much easier. Trust me. Last fall I had the biggest problems with my stuttering, and I also thought that if it wasn't for this, my life would be so much better. But it's you that's making your own life worse. You're telling yourself you can't do certain things because you stutter. Which isn't true at all. It's not like we can't talk, it's not like once we stutter we melt to the ground into a puddle and never finish what we were saying! No! Eventually, you WILL say what you want to say. Yes, it'll take longer, and it'll be different from how other people talk, but "It's what you say, not how you say it" ;) Don't avoid your stuttering! Just go out there and say "This is how I talk and everyone else will just have to deal with it!"

[amey]

Thanks so much Amey!

Some great advice there =)
It's just...I don't know, I was thinking about it today. I (like most other stutterers), are just actors on a stage playing the role of who we're "supposed" to be in the play called Life. I realized that I've been "playing" this role as a non stutterer for most of my life. Not around my friends and family as much (I'm trying to avoid as little as possible around them since they already know I stutter), just around people that I don't know well.
It seems pretty logical to give off a person you don't know that you are, according to their standards, "normal". Just having some small talk where you can easy hide your stutter. I realize that it's wrong...but a big part of me doesn't want to do anything about it you know?
Do you think that's a step too far? Like, what should I do first? Just tell people that I stutter? That's fine. But then I feel like after I tell them they'll feel awkward and not know how to answer me.

Another thing, and this is worrying me above all other things. I'm pretty sure you read and commented on my post titled "summer camp", where I was trying to decide whether to go or not. I've made my choice, I'm going, but I'm scared out of my MIND. At first I realized that it wouldn't be as bad if I just didn't hide my stutter. But I just realized something. I went to this camp last year, and talked to *very* few people, and the others know who I am, but they don't actually *know* me. A lot of them are coming back. What should I do with them? I'd feel like we already knew each other when we don't...and on top of that they'll only find out now that I stutter? Do you see what I'm saying? How can I reintroduce myself to people that thought they knew who I was but don't actually know ME.

GREAT decision on going to camp! You chose the harder, better decision. That is what we stutterers have, a choice. A choice as to what kind of stutterer that we want to be. i understand the wanting to keep your stutter hid, it is protection for the SHORT TERM. In the long term, I feel, is devestating on a persons life. When we keep doing this hiding, you are right, we are but actors on a stage. the truth is that you could live your life hiding you stutter, that is a choice too. Many people live their entire lives this way. I tried it for the first 24 years of my speaking life and it brought me misery and great, great sadness. ---

So how do we tell a person that we stutter??? we just tell them. At that point, it is not YOUR responsibilty for their feelings or comfort level.-- Show a little stuttering and then throw in, "oh, I stutter".... show some stutteri and say, " this stuttering is out of control today"...laugh a little......or just showing the stuttering is enough for some people to understand...You can feel the situation out and apply what you need to. Make it your GOAL to SHOW your stuttering and to recognize it in some way.-- I am telling you, with practice, it will become the way you LIVE. No secrets, no hiding, your authentic self will be known. Your stuttering is just one of your characteristics, not the whole you.-- You will learn to drop your guard and you will have a better time in life. It is not easy though, you are certainly right. I know many people who attempt this way of life and literally cant handle it, and begin the old life og hiding again.--For me, going back to the old life wasnt an option. So, I stutter openly so much more than I ever did, and I am HAPPIER.

How to deal with camp??? Scrape your soul for any courage lying around and just do it. Show your stuttering and acknowlege it. It is really this simple. Look at the fear and then walk into it. Sound a little dramatic, but it really isnt. so some of the people you talked to didnt know you stutter??? You think. Maybe some really did and some didnt. that is o.k.-- show it and talk about it NOW. You dont have to go into a long conversation about stuttering, although, some may want to know. That is even better. How do we take the power out of fear, we do it and TALK about it.

You can do this. You are at a cross roads. Old life, new life. It wont be worked out all at camp, but that is a great beginning. Good place to start, good practice.--I have been an overt stutterer for only 9 years, I am almost 36 years old. I have a way to go still and that is fine. this is a process, but it begins with a decision. The decision to do what we fear most.
you can do this, I can feel it. Go against every instinct and JUMP!!-- I wish I was there with you! I would JUMP too! Stutter all OVER that camp!! he he!

have a great time at camp. PLEASE let me know how it goes. Remember, it is not a race to confidence. You will have discouraging moments. the important part is to keep doing it. Keep your chin up and show them some stuttering! Go get it! love, amey

[JOSH T]

Wooo thats awesome! Where in Maryland?

I live in Clinton. How about you? (PM me if you want)

[dream431ca]

It's just about accepting your stutter, it's accepting yourself as a whole.