GoodGuy
07-14-2010, 06:42 PM
For years I've endlessly pondered about a few things, amidst the countless personal issues that stuttering has presented to me, I've always tried to understand the world we all live in, understand the universe.
But I had to split an eighth of shrooms just to see the universe.
I've been trying to find an escape to the thing that is me, because it's like everyday I'm being consumed by this thing, this thing that is surely trying to kill me. I've thought long and hard, spent many nights going over this in my head, my fifteen year old head which should've been spending it's time fussing over Call of Duty, and I found out that the greatest enemy, the thing that has been always making me feel this way, feel like utter crap and a whole lot of other emotions is none other than myself.
Take this as a sign of insanity if you want, but I've talked to myself. I've imagined myself being in a white room with just two chairs. One is for the impartial side of me, the councillor who tries to offer advice if it can, and the other chair is for my conscienceness...or however you want to call it. Either way, there's more than one entity inside my head. Anyways, I've asked the other questions.
1. What is the problem?
Answer: We aren't normal. We are abnormal, something that's below the standard; what is generally acceptable, and what could be passed off as human.
2. So you don't think we're human?
Answer: Not as human as everyone else. We're missing something, something that makes us whole.
3. Is that missing thing 'fluency'?
Answer: Yes.
4. And you think being fluent would make you whole again?
Answer: Yes.
5. Others seem to think you're one of them. Others seem to be oblivious to all of this.
Answer: They know nothing of what I feel, and in their ignorance they do nothing but piss me off even further. They give me looks of pity with their condescending faces, and live lives that are without trial and tribulation. They tell me stories and tell me how they've done things, things I could never do even if I tried, and then they laugh and mock me when I stumble, stumble at the most daintiest and smallest of things. The others you speak of are nothing more than fools.
6. You don't like being different, do you?
Answer: No.
7. You want to blend in with the crowd, but the more you try to do so, the more you stand out. What you need to do is accept yourself for what you are.
Answer: Never.
And that was it. Never. I was never going to be able to accept myself, because I believed (and still believe) that accepting yourself was being satisfied with less, something less than you should have. Like being weaker was absolutely okay. I am not being greedy here, I just want what should be mine! I want what is owed to me!
It is because of those thoughts that I will never move forward, these thoughts that have sinister machinations.
But I had to split an eighth of shrooms just to see the universe.
I've been trying to find an escape to the thing that is me, because it's like everyday I'm being consumed by this thing, this thing that is surely trying to kill me. I've thought long and hard, spent many nights going over this in my head, my fifteen year old head which should've been spending it's time fussing over Call of Duty, and I found out that the greatest enemy, the thing that has been always making me feel this way, feel like utter crap and a whole lot of other emotions is none other than myself.
Take this as a sign of insanity if you want, but I've talked to myself. I've imagined myself being in a white room with just two chairs. One is for the impartial side of me, the councillor who tries to offer advice if it can, and the other chair is for my conscienceness...or however you want to call it. Either way, there's more than one entity inside my head. Anyways, I've asked the other questions.
1. What is the problem?
Answer: We aren't normal. We are abnormal, something that's below the standard; what is generally acceptable, and what could be passed off as human.
2. So you don't think we're human?
Answer: Not as human as everyone else. We're missing something, something that makes us whole.
3. Is that missing thing 'fluency'?
Answer: Yes.
4. And you think being fluent would make you whole again?
Answer: Yes.
5. Others seem to think you're one of them. Others seem to be oblivious to all of this.
Answer: They know nothing of what I feel, and in their ignorance they do nothing but piss me off even further. They give me looks of pity with their condescending faces, and live lives that are without trial and tribulation. They tell me stories and tell me how they've done things, things I could never do even if I tried, and then they laugh and mock me when I stumble, stumble at the most daintiest and smallest of things. The others you speak of are nothing more than fools.
6. You don't like being different, do you?
Answer: No.
7. You want to blend in with the crowd, but the more you try to do so, the more you stand out. What you need to do is accept yourself for what you are.
Answer: Never.
And that was it. Never. I was never going to be able to accept myself, because I believed (and still believe) that accepting yourself was being satisfied with less, something less than you should have. Like being weaker was absolutely okay. I am not being greedy here, I just want what should be mine! I want what is owed to me!
It is because of those thoughts that I will never move forward, these thoughts that have sinister machinations.