Jimmy169
02-19-2011, 07:31 PM
I haven't been here in a while but I just thought of this site and went on, saw a few posts that were tear jerking and reminded me of how I felt a few years ago, so I felt an obligation to post how I've dealt with it, because if it somewhat helps one person it'll be more than worth it. Believe me I've experienced what people are feeling that feel it's hopeless.
Now, the biggest change that had a lasting impact on me was when I worked at my brothers office, picking up the phone, I was in tears the first week because it seemed like anything I would think of or do, I couldn't for the life of me say the name of the company in the beginning. You say the name, this is jimmy speaking, how may I help you, the name of the company and then my name was just impossible. Still to this day I'll stammer on my name every once in a while, but I'm much better.
So, I said the hell with this, I started breaking down my feelings. First I came to realize, the more I think about it, the worse it gets, the moods where I don't care for it or am carefree, for some reason the easier it is. Sometime's I was shocked I'd say it with no problem. So I told myself, stop thinking about it. This was crazy hard, because when I was in the car, alone at home, probably the greatest thing on my mind was my stutter. It was like a sinking feeling when I thought about it. Worse, when I tried not to, it was a sinking feeling in my head. It's hard to control your thoughts, you feel a weight on your head. But I was so frustrated, I thought the hell with this, and no matter the heavy weight on my head by trying to ignor it, when ever that thought of my stammer and how others thought of it popped into my head, I'd focus hard on something else. Anything, cars, school, anything. I knew eventually the thought would go away. This seems rediculous at first, you may think, you can't hide your thoughts from yourself, but my goal was to ignor them, because it just felt unhealthy thinking about them. It's like falling into a depression, whats the point you know? Enough was enough, I kept thinking as soon as the thought popped up, and I thought of anything else I could for maybe 5 to 10 minutes at first until the nagging weight in my head went away, whether it was while i was driving or home alone or watching tv, i didn't let my fear of my stutter consume me, I tried to ignor it. It's like a bad memory that keeps popping up that you just want to ignor, it's hard to and you feel that weight on your head because you know it's at the top of your thoughts, but i kept trying to think of something else until eventually i forgot all about it and moved on until the next occurance.
So that was the first thing, but then, if a phone call came, those thoughts came crashing down head on. Now, here is the next thing I reasoned with myself. #1 I had to take the phone calls. #2 I will live through this, a tiger won't bite my head off if I pick up the phone. So my next goal was to not ignor things I had to do because of my stammer. In the beginning, when forcing myself to do what I feared the most, I'd get full on blocks, not stammer, I just couldn't get something out. But shockingly, when I'd feel I'm stuck with my mouth open and nothing coming out forever, eventually, the words came out. ALWAYS, no matter what, the words eventually came out, sometime's they sounded incredibly emberracing, like i broke through a wall and started to talk, i'm sure the ppl thought what in the hell. Other times it came out smoother, but the words would begin to go, and it only got easier as the conversation continued. After a few grueling times, it got easier, I started realizing #1, the words will come out, they won't be trapped inside for ever even if it feels like they will unless i force them out with all my might. So I didn't try to force the words out as hard next time, eventually after the great pause in the beginning, they came out, sometime's I'd even smile to myself even knowing I probably sounded horrible. Those people I talked to, became more frequent, and as I got to know them, it became easier to talk to them. It seemed like it was hardest to start talking with new people but even though I knew they would turn into ordinary people that I'd talk to more often, and if they didn't, no loss to me. Another day of talking is another day, no matter who I talk to.
Now, I swear to you, as though I am typing this to my younger self, because I feel like I am, and I swear to my younger self, I am now able to make calls no problem when I need to. If I need to pay a bill, I pick up the phone without a second thought, sometime's I stammer sometime's I don't at all, but I don't even remember anymore, it is so easy now. I have more important things to worry about now than that person on the other side of the phone. All that matters to me is that they get my credit card number so I can pay the bill or that I get the info I need, I know they will be patient with me if I stutter, and I hardly stutter at all now with them. SOMETIME'S on my name, but thats about it, it goes so smoothly from there and I never look back. I ignor nagging feelings with a new situation with ease now, I think "yeah yeah w/e" and just go about my business like I forgot I ever stuttered at all. You get used to it, once you've developed the right state of mind it seems. I cannot believe how much better I am. I still sometime's do things within reason, I won't jump to the idea of public speaking, but I did it, and the hardest part wasn't my stutter ironically, it was my shaking. I was just nervous. I felt like I was shaking as I talked, not stuttering.
Honestly, right now I don't even think of wanting a cure, I think of other things. I'd want some other things now beyond curing my stutter, it's not as big to me, it's gotten so much easier, I still stutter but so incredibly little. I don't know how to explain it, but I've gotten used to it, as unbelievable as it sounds. If your going to live, might as well get used to it, live with it, if you've lost an arm or leg or site or hearing, you have to get used to it, and then I think you can overcome it.
Now, another thing. For some reason this helps me so much. When I start talking with new people, I may stammer, I usually stay "pardon my stutter." They give me this weird look, but for some reason on me it's so much easier. Just acknowledging it, I stop stuttering. It's kind of ironic, after I've said it I don't do it anymore, I'd think why did I even say it then, but if I didn't i might continue to stammer worse because subconsciously ya worry about it. But once i've acknowledged it, i don't know why, but it helps so much, my stammer goes away. So my last suggeston is, try to simply say after you've started to talk and stammered with your name for instance, just say "pardon my stutter," I'd even stutter on the p in pardon, but once I've said it, I talk like I don't stutter at all. Again, not sure why this helps so much but it still helps me to this day. I don't worry about my stutter, I make calls, order out, etc without even thinking twice, and during this time if I do stutter, i quickly say pardon my stutter, even if I get no response which most time's I don't, it's easier and I don't stutter at all after usually.
I sincerely hope this helps, this is very un-organized and probably clumped up in big paragraphs but it's one of those topics that's from the heart, so i didn't write it so formally with the right spacing and punctuation. Good luck to you guys, I also think it may get easier with age, once you've developed the right mindset. Just think of how good you have it beyond your stutter. I used to remind my self how lucky I was not to live on the streets, not to worry for food, having shoes, etc. I even donate every month to a little girl in Ethiopia, and when I think of how the kids have it down there, I'm always reminded that I have nothing to complain about. The more I think about it the more I have to write, but I'm going to end my post here or it can go on and on.
Now, the biggest change that had a lasting impact on me was when I worked at my brothers office, picking up the phone, I was in tears the first week because it seemed like anything I would think of or do, I couldn't for the life of me say the name of the company in the beginning. You say the name, this is jimmy speaking, how may I help you, the name of the company and then my name was just impossible. Still to this day I'll stammer on my name every once in a while, but I'm much better.
So, I said the hell with this, I started breaking down my feelings. First I came to realize, the more I think about it, the worse it gets, the moods where I don't care for it or am carefree, for some reason the easier it is. Sometime's I was shocked I'd say it with no problem. So I told myself, stop thinking about it. This was crazy hard, because when I was in the car, alone at home, probably the greatest thing on my mind was my stutter. It was like a sinking feeling when I thought about it. Worse, when I tried not to, it was a sinking feeling in my head. It's hard to control your thoughts, you feel a weight on your head. But I was so frustrated, I thought the hell with this, and no matter the heavy weight on my head by trying to ignor it, when ever that thought of my stammer and how others thought of it popped into my head, I'd focus hard on something else. Anything, cars, school, anything. I knew eventually the thought would go away. This seems rediculous at first, you may think, you can't hide your thoughts from yourself, but my goal was to ignor them, because it just felt unhealthy thinking about them. It's like falling into a depression, whats the point you know? Enough was enough, I kept thinking as soon as the thought popped up, and I thought of anything else I could for maybe 5 to 10 minutes at first until the nagging weight in my head went away, whether it was while i was driving or home alone or watching tv, i didn't let my fear of my stutter consume me, I tried to ignor it. It's like a bad memory that keeps popping up that you just want to ignor, it's hard to and you feel that weight on your head because you know it's at the top of your thoughts, but i kept trying to think of something else until eventually i forgot all about it and moved on until the next occurance.
So that was the first thing, but then, if a phone call came, those thoughts came crashing down head on. Now, here is the next thing I reasoned with myself. #1 I had to take the phone calls. #2 I will live through this, a tiger won't bite my head off if I pick up the phone. So my next goal was to not ignor things I had to do because of my stammer. In the beginning, when forcing myself to do what I feared the most, I'd get full on blocks, not stammer, I just couldn't get something out. But shockingly, when I'd feel I'm stuck with my mouth open and nothing coming out forever, eventually, the words came out. ALWAYS, no matter what, the words eventually came out, sometime's they sounded incredibly emberracing, like i broke through a wall and started to talk, i'm sure the ppl thought what in the hell. Other times it came out smoother, but the words would begin to go, and it only got easier as the conversation continued. After a few grueling times, it got easier, I started realizing #1, the words will come out, they won't be trapped inside for ever even if it feels like they will unless i force them out with all my might. So I didn't try to force the words out as hard next time, eventually after the great pause in the beginning, they came out, sometime's I'd even smile to myself even knowing I probably sounded horrible. Those people I talked to, became more frequent, and as I got to know them, it became easier to talk to them. It seemed like it was hardest to start talking with new people but even though I knew they would turn into ordinary people that I'd talk to more often, and if they didn't, no loss to me. Another day of talking is another day, no matter who I talk to.
Now, I swear to you, as though I am typing this to my younger self, because I feel like I am, and I swear to my younger self, I am now able to make calls no problem when I need to. If I need to pay a bill, I pick up the phone without a second thought, sometime's I stammer sometime's I don't at all, but I don't even remember anymore, it is so easy now. I have more important things to worry about now than that person on the other side of the phone. All that matters to me is that they get my credit card number so I can pay the bill or that I get the info I need, I know they will be patient with me if I stutter, and I hardly stutter at all now with them. SOMETIME'S on my name, but thats about it, it goes so smoothly from there and I never look back. I ignor nagging feelings with a new situation with ease now, I think "yeah yeah w/e" and just go about my business like I forgot I ever stuttered at all. You get used to it, once you've developed the right state of mind it seems. I cannot believe how much better I am. I still sometime's do things within reason, I won't jump to the idea of public speaking, but I did it, and the hardest part wasn't my stutter ironically, it was my shaking. I was just nervous. I felt like I was shaking as I talked, not stuttering.
Honestly, right now I don't even think of wanting a cure, I think of other things. I'd want some other things now beyond curing my stutter, it's not as big to me, it's gotten so much easier, I still stutter but so incredibly little. I don't know how to explain it, but I've gotten used to it, as unbelievable as it sounds. If your going to live, might as well get used to it, live with it, if you've lost an arm or leg or site or hearing, you have to get used to it, and then I think you can overcome it.
Now, another thing. For some reason this helps me so much. When I start talking with new people, I may stammer, I usually stay "pardon my stutter." They give me this weird look, but for some reason on me it's so much easier. Just acknowledging it, I stop stuttering. It's kind of ironic, after I've said it I don't do it anymore, I'd think why did I even say it then, but if I didn't i might continue to stammer worse because subconsciously ya worry about it. But once i've acknowledged it, i don't know why, but it helps so much, my stammer goes away. So my last suggeston is, try to simply say after you've started to talk and stammered with your name for instance, just say "pardon my stutter," I'd even stutter on the p in pardon, but once I've said it, I talk like I don't stutter at all. Again, not sure why this helps so much but it still helps me to this day. I don't worry about my stutter, I make calls, order out, etc without even thinking twice, and during this time if I do stutter, i quickly say pardon my stutter, even if I get no response which most time's I don't, it's easier and I don't stutter at all after usually.
I sincerely hope this helps, this is very un-organized and probably clumped up in big paragraphs but it's one of those topics that's from the heart, so i didn't write it so formally with the right spacing and punctuation. Good luck to you guys, I also think it may get easier with age, once you've developed the right mindset. Just think of how good you have it beyond your stutter. I used to remind my self how lucky I was not to live on the streets, not to worry for food, having shoes, etc. I even donate every month to a little girl in Ethiopia, and when I think of how the kids have it down there, I'm always reminded that I have nothing to complain about. The more I think about it the more I have to write, but I'm going to end my post here or it can go on and on.