Cursed!!!!! Blessed? #^$%$#^

3FingerBrown · 11-07-2006, 02:41 AM

There was a time not too long ago that I would attend the New York Football Giants home games because I knew that at some point I’d enjoy going again and I didn’t want my father to decide the tickets weren’t important. The seats have already been in the family for 3 generations and some of the best in the stadium. I digress…
That time has past and I enjoy going to games just as I did as a kid and get as rowdy and loud as anybody. When I yell at the top of my lungs throughout the game, I don’t stutter.
Before and after the game, we were tailgating (in parking lot, barbeque food and drink and drink and drink) for quite a bit yesterday. When I get drunk (i wasn't that drunk) I tend get very talkative, funny, outgoing and generally fluent. Kind of how I strive to be sober…
Other people lose their inhibitions, I lose my anxieties.

I’ve been more fluent the last few weeks than I have ever been. Pulling myself out of an intense depression, finally admitting to my stutter’s emotional toll, starting therapy and seeking support seem to have paid off thus far. Most of the time I’m mostly fluent right now, over 90% fluent over 90% of the time. Then there are the moments, topics, situations, phone calls or whatever where all of a sudden I’m down to getting stuck on every other word with major blocks. One such situation came up at the game.

I've tended to be a very private person and I do not like talking about my health. Nonetheless, having celiac disease in the US means having to explain to an otherwise gracious host why you aren’t enjoying any of his beer or food? I do come prepared with my own prepared food and gluten free beer but I can’t escape attention I don’t want.
So there I am faced with explaining what celiac disease is and that yes I am “allergic” to everything you have there. Of course I am explaining this to 10 suddenly attentive people outdoors in a loud noisy environment.

Drunk or not I started stuttering like a ^%$*&^%&*. After answering a few questions with improving confidence and fluency I withstand the barrage and close the talk with everyone laughing, My brother looked at me with a somewhat worried look but I didn’t let it ruin the 1st good time I’d had with a new group of people in a long time.

Before I was finally diagnosed with celiac disease I was having another and very bad “system wide flare-up”, I was very sick and I truly thought I was dying.
My diagnosis of celiac disease was a blessing for me. A gift. Many see it as a curse and some learn to see it as a blessing. A doctor finally had an answer to THE QUESTION. What is wrong with me?
Suddenly, all I needed to do was diet management and I could keep myself well?
What a blessing this was for me.

Now I see another purpose for celiac disease in forcing me to reveal something very personal and emotionally charged. Something I otherwise don’t like doing.
My stutter wasn’t an issue for anyone and my celiac disease forces me to let people in and guess what… they came back for more. After having the spotlight more than a few of the guys came over to really properly introduce themselves beyond their names and I got to know some of the guys much better than I otherwise would have.

Maybe 1 day I will be able to view my stutter as such a blessing?
Until then I will strive to at least accept it and not let it dictate my life anymore.

surrealist · 11-07-2006, 03:52 AM

stutter will always dictate your life in some way or another.. think about it.. stuttering lead you to us.

as for it being a blessing... Thats a hard question.. I can't say either because I would be lying to myself. hmmmm, it does make you look at life differently. I tend to think stutterers observe situations a lot more.

happy7117 · 11-07-2006, 04:50 AM

Stuttering is a curse for me, I don't see anything positive about being a stutterer. Being not able to talk properly is a big curse..!

3FingerBrown · 11-07-2006, 01:20 PM

I don't realistically think I will be ever able to view stuttering as a blessing but I'd also like to think that 10 years from now I will look at my current self and wonder how I could have ever been so foolish.
When I was I 19 I thought I had all the answers when in retrospect I didn't even know what the questions were.
Old timers, has there ever been a time in your life when you looked back 10 years ago and didn't wonder how you could have possibly done or thought this or that.
With age comes experience and perspective, gray hair allows you to see shades of gray.
Maybe a blessing is a reach but how better to reach the moon than to for Mars?

bignick · 11-07-2006, 02:06 PM

I am like Elliott, I still look back to recent times and wonder why I did or said something.
I dont see my speech as a blessing or curse but something that is part of me which I try and control and get on with my daily life.

surrealist · 11-07-2006, 02:28 PM

Who are we kidding? huh

If we had a choice would you choose to stutter? lets be honest here... has stutter brought joy and happiness to your life?

Its been a burden to me, a very hard burden! Calling it a curse would be putting it lightly.

11-07-2006, 02:41 AM	#1
3FingerBrown Stuttering Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New Jersey Posts: 456	Cursed!!!!! Blessed? #^$%$#^ There was a time not too long ago that I would attend the New York Football Giants home games because I knew that at some point I’d enjoy going again and I didn’t want my father to decide the tickets weren’t important. The seats have already been in the family for 3 generations and some of the best in the stadium. I digress… That time has past and I enjoy going to games just as I did as a kid and get as rowdy and loud as anybody. When I yell at the top of my lungs throughout the game, I don’t stutter. Before and after the game, we were tailgating (in parking lot, barbeque food and drink and drink and drink) for quite a bit yesterday. When I get drunk (i wasn't that drunk) I tend get very talkative, funny, outgoing and generally fluent. Kind of how I strive to be sober… Other people lose their inhibitions, I lose my anxieties. I’ve been more fluent the last few weeks than I have ever been. Pulling myself out of an intense depression, finally admitting to my stutter’s emotional toll, starting therapy and seeking support seem to have paid off thus far. Most of the time I’m mostly fluent right now, over 90% fluent over 90% of the time. Then there are the moments, topics, situations, phone calls or whatever where all of a sudden I’m down to getting stuck on every other word with major blocks. One such situation came up at the game. I've tended to be a very private person and I do not like talking about my health. Nonetheless, having celiac disease in the US means having to explain to an otherwise gracious host why you aren’t enjoying any of his beer or food? I do come prepared with my own prepared food and gluten free beer but I can’t escape attention I don’t want. So there I am faced with explaining what celiac disease is and that yes I am “allergic” to everything you have there. Of course I am explaining this to 10 suddenly attentive people outdoors in a loud noisy environment. Drunk or not I started stuttering like a ^%$&^%&. After answering a few questions with improving confidence and fluency I withstand the barrage and close the talk with everyone laughing, My brother looked at me with a somewhat worried look but I didn’t let it ruin the 1st good time I’d had with a new group of people in a long time. Before I was finally diagnosed with celiac disease I was having another and very bad “system wide flare-up”, I was very sick and I truly thought I was dying. My diagnosis of celiac disease was a blessing for me. A gift. Many see it as a curse and some learn to see it as a blessing. A doctor finally had an answer to THE QUESTION. What is wrong with me? Suddenly, all I needed to do was diet management and I could keep myself well? What a blessing this was for me. Now I see another purpose for celiac disease in forcing me to reveal something very personal and emotionally charged. Something I otherwise don’t like doing. My stutter wasn’t an issue for anyone and my celiac disease forces me to let people in and guess what… they came back for more. After having the spotlight more than a few of the guys came over to really properly introduce themselves beyond their names and I got to know some of the guys much better than I otherwise would have. Maybe 1 day I will be able to view my stutter as such a blessing? Until then I will strive to at least accept it and not let it dictate my life anymore.

11-07-2006, 03:52 AM	#2
surrealist Stuttering Forum Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Secret Posts: 42	stutter will always dictate your life in some way or another.. think about it.. stuttering lead you to us. as for it being a blessing... Thats a hard question.. I can't say either because I would be lying to myself. hmmmm, it does make you look at life differently. I tend to think stutterers observe situations a lot more.

11-07-2006, 04:50 AM	#3
happy7117 Stuttering Forum Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: NY Posts: 2,372	Stuttering is a curse for me, I don't see anything positive about being a stutterer. Being not able to talk properly is a big curse..!

11-07-2006, 01:20 PM	#4
3FingerBrown Stuttering Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New Jersey Posts: 456	I don't realistically think I will be ever able to view stuttering as a blessing but I'd also like to think that 10 years from now I will look at my current self and wonder how I could have ever been so foolish. When I was I 19 I thought I had all the answers when in retrospect I didn't even know what the questions were. Old timers, has there ever been a time in your life when you looked back 10 years ago and didn't wonder how you could have possibly done or thought this or that. With age comes experience and perspective, gray hair allows you to see shades of gray. Maybe a blessing is a reach but how better to reach the moon than to for Mars?

11-07-2006, 02:06 PM	#5
bignick Stuttering Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Liverpool, UK Posts: 790	I am like Elliott, I still look back to recent times and wonder why I did or said something. I dont see my speech as a blessing or curse but something that is part of me which I try and control and get on with my daily life.

11-07-2006, 02:28 PM	#6
surrealist Stuttering Forum Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Secret Posts: 42	Who are we kidding? huh If we had a choice would you choose to stutter? lets be honest here... has stutter brought joy and happiness to your life? Its been a burden to me, a very hard burden! Calling it a curse would be putting it lightly.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)