These Sinister Machinations

[GoodGuy]

For years I've endlessly pondered about a few things, amidst the countless personal issues that stuttering has presented to me, I've always tried to understand the world we all live in, understand the universe.

But I had to split an eighth of shrooms just to see the universe.

I've been trying to find an escape to the thing that is me, because it's like everyday I'm being consumed by this thing, this thing that is surely trying to kill me. I've thought long and hard, spent many nights going over this in my head, my fifteen year old head which should've been spending it's time fussing over Call of Duty, and I found out that the greatest enemy, the thing that has been always making me feel this way, feel like utter crap and a whole lot of other emotions is none other than myself.

Take this as a sign of insanity if you want, but I've talked to myself. I've imagined myself being in a white room with just two chairs. One is for the impartial side of me, the councillor who tries to offer advice if it can, and the other chair is for my conscienceness...or however you want to call it. Either way, there's more than one entity inside my head. Anyways, I've asked the other questions.

1. What is the problem?

Answer: We aren't normal. We are abnormal, something that's below the standard; what is generally acceptable, and what could be passed off as human.

2. So you don't think we're human?

Answer: Not as human as everyone else. We're missing something, something that makes us whole.

3. Is that missing thing 'fluency'?

Answer: Yes.

4. And you think being fluent would make you whole again?

Answer: Yes.

5. Others seem to think you're one of them. Others seem to be oblivious to all of this.

Answer: They know nothing of what I feel, and in their ignorance they do nothing but piss me off even further. They give me looks of pity with their condescending faces, and live lives that are without trial and tribulation. They tell me stories and tell me how they've done things, things I could never do even if I tried, and then they laugh and mock me when I stumble, stumble at the most daintiest and smallest of things. The others you speak of are nothing more than fools.

6. You don't like being different, do you?

Answer: No.

7. You want to blend in with the crowd, but the more you try to do so, the more you stand out. What you need to do is accept yourself for what you are.

Answer: Never.

And that was it. Never. I was never going to be able to accept myself, because I believed (and still believe) that accepting yourself was being satisfied with less, something less than you should have. Like being weaker was absolutely okay. I am not being greedy here, I just want what should be mine! I want what is owed to me!

It is because of those thoughts that I will never move forward, these thoughts that have sinister machinations.

[onewish11]

send that to obama.

[N9NEstein]

sad part is, probrably the best thing you can do is to just be in an ignorant bliss of how much it really hinders us...have that odd, unrealistic positive attitude and just live life like that. Every time you really sit down and think about all the excruciating irony and frustration that such a simple thing like stuttering brings, it just get you angry ruins everything else around you.

I'm sure we all know what you mean. But somedays are just better than others and thats just how its gonna be, no matter what happens, next to a cure of course :O

Best thing we can do is just pretend like its not a big deal...try to happiness out of whatever scraps are left over from the fluent speakers haha

[jamesm]

Crazy stuff man, lol. I think we have all had moments like this. Don't give up though. But is stuttering "less"? Less human? In the great time line of humanity, fluent, complex language is relatively new. Maybe fluent speakers are just weird, haha.

As for the "weaker" mentality. You obviously are not weaker, because subconsciously you are fighting it, questioning it, even angry about it. To me, this says that you are prepared to fight!! Ready for war on the battlefield of fluency in a sense. You want what "should be yours". You want fluency. You want to conquer your dis-fluency. You have heart my friend. You are NOT weak, or less. The only difference between you (us) and them (fluent speakers) is they are unaware of the conflict, for them there is no struggle taking place, there is no fight.

[Bruce]

Originally Posted by GoodGuy

For years I've endlessly pondered about a few things, amidst the countless personal issues that stuttering has presented to me, I've always tried to understand the world we all live in, understand the universe.

But I had to split an eighth of shrooms just to see the universe.

I've been trying to find an escape to the thing that is me, because it's like everyday I'm being consumed by this thing, this thing that is surely trying to kill me. I've thought long and hard, spent many nights going over this in my head, my fifteen year old head which should've been spending it's time fussing over Call of Duty, and I found out that the greatest enemy, the thing that has been always making me feel this way, feel like utter crap and a whole lot of other emotions is none other than myself.

Take this as a sign of insanity if you want, but I've talked to myself. I've imagined myself being in a white room with just two chairs. One is for the impartial side of me, the councillor who tries to offer advice if it can, and the other chair is for my conscienceness...or however you want to call it. Either way, there's more than one entity inside my head. Anyways, I've asked the other questions.

1. What is the problem?

Answer: We aren't normal. We are abnormal, something that's below the standard; what is generally acceptable, and what could be passed off as human.

2. So you don't think we're human?

Answer: Not as human as everyone else. We're missing something, something that makes us whole.

3. Is that missing thing 'fluency'?

Answer: Yes.

4. And you think being fluent would make you whole again?

Answer: Yes.

5. Others seem to think you're one of them. Others seem to be oblivious to all of this.

Answer: They know nothing of what I feel, and in their ignorance they do nothing but piss me off even further. They give me looks of pity with their condescending faces, and live lives that are without trial and tribulation. They tell me stories and tell me how they've done things, things I could never do even if I tried, and then they laugh and mock me when I stumble, stumble at the most daintiest and smallest of things. The others you speak of are nothing more than fools.

6. You don't like being different, do you?

Answer: No.

7. You want to blend in with the crowd, but the more you try to do so, the more you stand out. What you need to do is accept yourself for what you are.

Answer: Never.

And that was it. Never. I was never going to be able to accept myself, because I believed (and still believe) that accepting yourself was being satisfied with less, something less than you should have. Like being weaker was absolutely okay. I am not being greedy here, I just want what should be mine! I want what is owed to me!

It is because of those thoughts that I will never move forward, these thoughts that have sinister machinations.

Hi,

Why not try the Hollins program or Ross Barretts' PFSP and really apply yourself?

Bruce

[amey]

Oh, man. I am sorry you are going through this.-- We understand how you feel.--