what is the pain i'm trying to hide away from?

[Raye]

Hi guys! My name is Raye, and I'm 17.

I have been a stutterer all my life. It has been a giant pain since my childhood, because I just can't talk to people normally except using certain techniques and trying to fake fluency. When a day passes, my heart is full of guilt, my throat hurts and I am crying inside.

Just now my brother came over to my house, and we talked for a while. I have been observing the way I talk, and I did repeat one or two syllables each sentence. It was kind of annoying. My brother seemed to realize that too but he didn't say, which made me feel a bit bad.

Later when he was gone, there was a problem in my computer. I tried a few times and didn't get it right. Then I had to give up, but I thought of those people who would call a friend or an expert as soon as they find something wrong in their computer that they can't work out. But I couldn't call anybody because that would make me scared. If I was born without a stutter, I would gladly be one of those people who communicate with others as much as possible.

Stuttering has changed my personality. I used to be a very outgoing person, but not now, even on the internet. I am locked inside myself more and more. And I think the reason is that I'm constantly trying to run away from the pain of stuttering. I became logical, quiet and reserved, and fooled myself that "this wasn't about stuttering. It's just me. I don't like to talk to people a lot...". I feel that the best part of me had been wasted. I have become a living dead person, and I feel horrible.

Do you have any similar experiences? Can you share it with me (and maybe give me some advice about what to do)? Thanks a lot.

[Fredrick]

Hi,

You asked "what is the pain I'm trying to hide away from?

You are right, you are young, don't make the same mistake I made when I was your age, yes, your stuttering has a neurological/genetic component but it is always made worse by the nature of your relationships in and with your family. That is the pain you are trying to hide from.

When you can, get out of your family, live alone or with friends, get a job with health insaurance, and go see a therapist that you can share everything with safely, and share your pain, and take a program like the Hollins program or some other program that teaches fluency and work hard.

Your strength is your youth, don't throw it away. The older you get the worse your fluency might get and the more you will bury your pain.


Fredrick

[Raye]

Hi Fredrick! Thanks for your advice... I think it's very true...=)

The reason I can't get a job with health insurance, or speech therapy is that I live in China...=) there's no such thing as speech therapists...(except some people who say they can cure stuttering by giving classes) and I'm still in college and you can't get a good job without a degree... i am in college with a group of people several years older than I am... All of these things add up together making these years the most difficult ones of my life.=P I'm trying to get past them and not let them influence me in a bad way.

That's why I wish to go abroad and study speech pathology... I really hope I can... someday....=)